April 22

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” William James

There are days where it feels like I am simply going through the motions. In times like this I usually do not feel like I am being useful or productive, that what I do makes a difference. I need to take the time when I feel like this to pause and reflect. Those feelings of not being worthwhile or doing things of purpose are ways my addiction lies to me to diminish my worth and esteem. The tape playing in my head is all too often negative and critical. I have found my meditation and work in learning tools of mindfulness helps to calm that noise, to centre myself and to remember that I am much more than those thoughts try to suggest.  I have also learned that because I am my own worst critic, I often need to rely on others for a more honest opinion of who I am. People I trust are there to remind me of the good things I do, the contributions I make, the talents and qualities that I have to offer the world. This is a great place for me to turn so that I can be reminded that I do indeed matter, and that I am making a difference in the world.

Affirmation

I will be aware when my thoughts turn grey and negative today, pause, reflect, and remember that I more and worthy. I matter.

April 5

"Love the moment, and the energy of the moment will spread beyond all boundaries.” Sister Mary Corita Kent

I do try to meditate daily, not only for a defined period of time, but also taking periodic pauses in my day to reflect on my breath and to ground myself in the present. Although I still consider myself a beginner at all this mindfulness business, I have noticed positive impacts in my life. Taking these intentional breaks to slow down, pause, and focus on the present helps to slow down the hamster wheel of thoughts in my head. It gives me time to reflect, to concentrate on the truly important things, to quiet my mind and to feel connected to myself and my Higher Power. I do think there is a great deal of love present in those moments. It is a time to refuel, recharge, and to set a healthier path before me. There is a definite power in the stillness and focus of the present moment.

Affirmation

I will seek opportunities to calm my mind and my thoughts and to ground myself in the present.

October 11

”Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

Life has been strangely simply since I started to turn it over to the God of my understanding. There has been a new freedom in seeking out His will instead of my own. There has also been a great deal of relief in having the time and energy to focus on those things within my power, rather than giving it all to my addiction. Life is what I choose to make it? Well I suppose to a degree that’s true, but I do really believe that I am to ask for the guidance from my Higher Power to find the right path. There is an opposing choice which I do believe to be false. If I simply sit and wait for the right things to happen in my life, they’re not going to. I have been giving skills and abilities that I need to use to fulfill my purpose and be of service to others. Ignoring them will not take me down the road that I am supposed to follow. So there I have it – I need prayer and meditation to ask for guidance and to seek the will of my Higher Power. Then I need to use my talents to work towards those goals and to do His work. Like this blog, which I know is no longer only a tool for myself but for many others who I am grateful are also able to benefit from my experience. I need to continue to serve others, to be a committed part of my groups, my workplace and my community. I have been given a great gift in recovery of discovering who I am and learning how to transform my suffering into healing.

Affirmation

Staying on course is about me asking for guidance as well taking the steps to complete the tasks and objectives given to me.

July 24

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful, than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I cannot say that I have ever considered that there was honour in making mistakes. However, I do see Mr. Shaw’s point that making mistakes is more honorable than doing nothing at all. Life is not about mere existence, simply putting in the time allotted to oneself. Life is about experience, which means doing, and in trying, sometimes failing. There is merit in doing nothing at all sometimes. There are moments when I simply need to disconnect from myself and the world around me. It is important to turn off all the distractions and simply be, just existing in the moment. It is something I don’t do often enough, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday living. Meditation is one aspect of this pause in my program. I get other moments during the sharing portion of my meetings while waiting for others to share their own experience, strength and hope. Sometimes it is simply sitting quietly in a dark room or out in nature, being connected to the natural energies that surround me. Whatever the case, this is a grounding experience that allows me to purge thoughts and desires and reboot. Reflecting in these times let me find wisdom, like the realization that mistakes are not inherently good or bad. They are simply part of the process of being human. I cannot always be right, or say or do the right thing. Errors are simply a point that allows me to evaluate, make corrections and adjust the course of my actions. They are a tool in helping me along my journey, not a roadblock which is trying to derail my plans.

Affirmation

I will not settle for simply existing. I will participate in life, and I accept that this means risking failure, but that does not make me one.

500

Wow, hard to believe. It was quite the experience to get the proof copy of my book, to hold in my hands a bound, color-printed cover, of my own words. And now I have 500 meditations posted on my blog, perhaps the good beginnings of a second book? Honestly though, the work here is done mainly for myself. My writing is a key part of my program, an important piece of my inner circle behaviours that allows me a venue to get out the things that are bothering me, that I am experiencing, and a place to give a voice to my emotions. I am grateful for this gift from my Higher Power. For those of you who continue to follow my journey and read my humble thoughts, I hope that you find solace in the sharing of my experiences.

In Serenity,

Scott

A New Beginning

As my postings for yesterday and today attest, somethings must eventually come to an end. Today's meditation closes out a complete year's worth of daily thoughts. Through my experience of writing these 366 entries, I have grown in my program, and hope that my humble words have helped others along the way as much as they have helped me to get to know myself better.

I am now transitioning into a new phase of my recovery. I am looking forward to spending the next year as a reader of my own words, to reflect on just how far along my path I have come since putting pen to paper. It will be an interesting twist to see how much of my own story will relate to the days ahead.

I still intend to keep writing meditations, but not necessarily with the same vigour as I have over the past year and half. Journalling has become an important tool to help me reflect and deal with the challenges I face as I stumble down my path of recovery, so I know better than to ignore something that is of use to my own growth.

I hope that if you have become a regular follower that you continue to check for new material, or refer to the older posts. Wherever you are in your own journey, I pray that you continue to make that all-important choice each day, and choose to be in recovery.

God Bless and may you spend this day in Serenity.

A Lesson in Humility

Well, so here is the gist of the matter. With all the best intentions (read planning and scheming), I boldy set out publishing my meditations with, I thought, a reasonable stockpile of roughly 90 reviewed, ready-to-post, meditations in m back pocket. I reasoned that if I could maintain a pace of writing 5 new ones a week, well, then I should relatively easily make it to posting a continuous 366 day's worth. So here we are after 2/3 of a year published, and the well of meditations has run dry. Well, maybe that is an overstatement - there are certainly plently of ideas running around in my head, its more the lack of having extracted them onto paper, then typing  them up and reviewing them to prepare them for posting that is missing.

So, to any of you have been faithful followers, my sincerest apologies as I expect that for the foreseeable future, that there may be, dare I say it, holes in my daily meditations. I have been slowly switching to a daily routine, but I know that life, as it often does, will through kinks into the works that will challenge me to keep this a true daily posting.

Still, on a personal note, having completed just over 240 meditations, a combined effort of about a year's worth of work, feels pretty good. I am going to accept a self pat-on-the-back for not having given up, well, at least entirely, on this aspect of my recovery, which has had the added benefit of bringing me closer with my parents, of all people, who have been a great support throughout these past months of change.

SoI hope you bear with me as the transition takes place, and who knows, maybe making this a truer "daily" blog won't be so bad after all. I have faith that my Higher Power knows what is best and will be there to support me in all my endeavours.

In Serenity,
Arthur

April 11

”If we celebrate the years behind us they become stepping stones of strength and joy for the years ahead.” Anonymous

One powerful tool of recovery is to share our life story. This may be accomplished through a Step One, or may be something that is done simply with a fellow member or our sponsor. It can be done as a written history that is read out loud or it can be recounted ad lib. Regardless, sharing our past can be beneficial in letting go of the power of the past that we’ve given too much control. Dwelling on what has been taken away from our ability to focus on the future. In letting go of the past and only using it to learn how to live better for today we will be able to forge a tomorrow. We can find the good times to bolster our attitude when needed and share our experience with other like us who still suffer. We will free ourselves of old guilt, shame and fear to be able to courageously move forward in recovery.

Affirmation My past is gone but what I have learned can help me face the challenges of today.

April 9

”We hear voices in solitude that we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts that we get under no other condition.” Amelia Barr

Meditation is part of Step 11 and in many ways it is our chance to take time to listen to our Higher Power. It is really important that we take moments every day to slow down, to sit with our own thoughts, allow ourselves to experience the emotions we are feeling and clear our minds. Many of us fear being alone in our own heads with our thoughts and fantasies. What we may find frightens us and we don’t think we have the courage to face what we come across within the recesses of our mind. We know from past experience that we have prayed for things to stop, for our life to change yet if we never pause to listen and look for the signs and direction that are given to us, we will struggle to find the path to follow. We all too often turn to distractions so that we do not need to face our thoughts and feelings. We can always find something else to do. The difficulty is to look within and accept what we discover and just let it be.

Affirmation I need to take the time today to let the messages of my Higher Power into my life.

Lean On Me - Introduction

I started writing these daily meditations as part of my own journey in recovery. I have always been drawn to quotations from a variety of sources, and once in the SAA program I began to see many in a new light. Before long I started a journal, filled with quotes that spoke to me, not only in terms of where I was in my recovery, but where I wanted to be. I also started to bring in tidbits of wisdom, hope and strength from fellow SAA members, and those thoughts to have been captured in my reflections within these pages.

I am a sex addict, and will be for all the days of my life. But this no longer discourages me; rather it gives me great joy and even pleasure as I have been fortunate to discover such wonderful people, a second family that exists within the program. And in keeping with the SAA program and steps of recovery, this work is part of my Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts, and to practice these principles in our lives.”

The title, Lean on Me, comes directly from the song by the same name. I have found a new family in my fellowship, and have leaned on as many people as I have found that I have been the shoulder there to support someone else. One of the biggest comforts I have found, and have heard echoed from others is that within our groups we no longer feel alone. We have found companions who understand us, have shared our struggles, our hopes and success, and seek to gain sobriety and sanity by working the program.

I am taking the risk of opening my thoughts to the world at large, and to receive criticism against my wisdom in the midst of the chaos of my recovery. I have shared some of what is within these pages with others in my fellowship, and have found they have struck a chord with most. My words come from my heart, and moments of clarity where I am best connected with my Higher Power. May God grant you serenity in reviewing my humble beginnings.