November 26

”The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment.” Bertrand Russell

My addiction wants instant gratification, the instant fix, that immediate high. It is not inclined to wait for the right, safe or perfect moment. This is the compulsive aspect, the irrational I need things my way NOW attitude that drove me into strange patterns of behaviour to fulfill that urgent desire. It can be a little unnerving looking back at just how crazy I used to act, and not realize how insane it all was. Part of my recovery has been exercising the ability to put things off, to feel that craving and to deny it, even for a short period. My ability to become aware of things that trigger that insatiable hunger has also introduce moments where I can find a distraction, say the Serenity Prayer, turn my mind to something from my program, or anything else to let the power of that call diminish even just a little. As someone in the program likes to say, it’s not so much a problem of willpower as it is a problem of won’t power – saying no to my addiction is not easy. I am learning that the things which are truly worth my time and effort in life are also things which are worth waiting for. Those parts of the world that bring me lasting joy, my fulfilling relationships, my great achievements – these require patience, waiting for the right moment, and doing things in the right, and often slow, manner that is needed to reach the goal. But this is a much healthier way to live than jumping from one temporary gratification to the next.

Affirmation

May I find the courage to recognize when I am triggered and the strength to delay acting upon it today.

December 4 (60)

”If you can dream it, you can do it.” Walt Disney

In my recovery I have finally been able to make a clear distinction between dreams and fantasies. The closest comparison I can make is between needs and wants. Dreams are about needs, about those basic things I require for a happy, healthy life. That means dreaming about love, financial stability, a good job, a secure relationship, travel – all these fall into the category of meeting a need. My fantasies are tied more closely to my wants and desires, usually in an attempt to find something outside of myself to make me feel better. Fantasies, as I am coming to comprehend them, are not meant to be realized. For it is when I take steps to bring a fantasy to fruition that I get into trouble. This is a sure sign of me trying to run my life my way and not being content with everything which has already been provided. I still think both have a place in my life. Dreams help me to set goals, to put realistic checkpoints in my future, to provide things for me to hope for and to aspire to achieve. Fantasies are a distraction, and should be treated more like entertainment, with the realization that I have to turn off the TV at some point in order to join and experience the real world around me.

Affirmation I will take back control over the subconscious thoughts that run through my head, and use them better to promote healthy thinking and goal-setting.