February 29

”Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius

Many of us aspire to be the perfect recoverer, to make the decision to become sober and to maintain that new state for the rest of our days. We figure there’s a simple switch to turn off our addictive behaviour and move on with a normal life. If only it were so easy. Like our life has been to this point, so is our recovery a journey. It does not take a straight path, but one filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. Our initial time in recovery is much like learning to ride a bike without training wheels. We know the basics of being on the bicycle but are fearful of not having the support of those two small wheels. We likely fell many times before we got the hang of it and ultimately overcame our fears. So too with our recovery, it can be frightening taking those first steps. We might even be excited about the new way of living and jump in with both feet. But those first relapses, our falling back to our old ways, leave us missing the security of our training wheels. It takes courage and support to get back on track.

Affirmation Today I can rise if I fail, the ultimate goal is progress, not perfection in my recovery.

February 28

”Until you are at peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.” Denis Mortman

I am the one and only me. Only I can truly understand myself. To thine own self be true. Statements like these can be really frustrating in our early recovery. For myself I know I had serious doubts about who I truly was. What aspects of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality came from the core of my being and which of them stemmed from my addictive behaviours. I came to a realization after much internal debate. Who I had been in the past and what I had done had no bearing on who I was going to become in recovery. This basically gave me the freedom to say that starting from today; I will be what I want. Here is a blank piece of paper, now draw a picture, write out the words, whatever, to determine who I am. I have the liberty to decide what things I want to keep and those I want to throw away. My ability to be at peace with myself is improving. If there is some part of me that I am not happy with, I have the power to stop it, change it, or give it to my Higher Power.

Affirmation I am the person I want to be and I can decide what aspects of my past I bring forward with me today.

February 27

”In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” Theodore Roosevelt

It can be a struggle early in our recovery to have faith in our decisions and actions. It is disconcerting to know that we cannot readily rely on our own judgement in making the healthiest choices. However, gaining even a small capacity to reason, through our initial sobriety, and the ability to evaluate a situation rather than act on impulse, is an important step in our recovery. We need to be mindful, and as many say, ever-vigilant, in looking at the underlying reasons and emotions that drive us in our decision-making process. One of the goals of recovery is to increase our self-awareness so that we understand the decisions we make rather than being solely at the whim of our addictive behaviour.

Affirmation I will focus on my thoughts and feelings when making choices today and know that I am not simply complying with my compulsion.

February 26

”We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” Dale Carnegie

It is often said that we do not know what we had until it is gone. The same can be said when we look back at our past during periods of sobriety and see what we have lost, squandered or thrown away. The addiction promises a lot, to fulfill our needs, our wildest fantasies, but when things are realized, these promises are usually empty ones. As addicts we live to feed our addiction that does not give back what we put into it. Rather, it keeps demanding more, more time, effort, money, often to deliver even less to us in return. It’s hard to break the cycle, but when we manage to put healthy means of meeting our own needs, physical, emotional and spiritual the benefits are often much greater than our efforts. Why wouldn’t we jump at the opportunity to have more of this in our lives! This is part of the struggle of living in our addiction.

Affirmation I will be thankful for what I have today and be aware of the empty promises of my addictive behaviour.

February 25

”The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” Chinese Proverb

Many of life’s challenges are daunting and impossible when we look at the whole picture. Trying to see where we will be at the end without seeing all the steps we can take to get to our goal can weaken our will and desire to move forward. The critical task is to look at the first steps and start taking them to move towards our objective. Picking up those first small stones will lead us towards the task of moving the mountain. The important thing is making that effort and in turn progress. When we reduce a large problem into smaller tasks and figure out a place to begin, the endeavour that seemed insurmountable in the first place often seems achievable and much less daunting. Our journey in our recovery is often like this. Even though we may not always make the right choice all the time, if we keep the end in sight and continue to move towards it, we are making progress.

Affirmation I can take a small step towards resolving a larger problem and be proud that I am taking action.

February 24

”Nothing good was ever done without much enduring.” Catherine of Sienna

The second step is our opportunity to accept that there is help for us now that we realize that we cannot recover solely by ourselves. In coming to terms that there is a power greater than ourselves, we gain understanding that there is something willing to guide us. We can likely even find instances in our life where there were coincidences or chances that seemed to occur to change the direction of our lives, signs that a Higher Power has always been with us even when we were not aware. Now we can make a more conscious effort to listen for the guidance offered by our Higher Power, whatever it may be. Step Two does not promise us an easy road, but it gives the hope there is a path we can take to regain our sanity. We have endured so much to bring us to this point in our recovery but we gain strength in the knowledge that our Higher Power will accompany us when we let it into our hearts, minds and souls.

Affirmation I believe that a power greater than myself is here to guide me on my journey to recovery.

February 23

”I am larger, better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.” Walt Whitman

What a good feeling it is to look back at my life and realize how different a person I have become. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago when I was at the point of total desperation; when I was so full of doubt, when I felt emotionally numb - pleasure deaf as I called it. Today I can walk with a smile on my face and feel genuinely happy. I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I can listen in quiet solitude and feel the presence of my Higher Power beside me. I can look at my children and feel joy. I can laugh and be happy. Even on the other side of life, I can feel sad, angry or hurt. I no longer need to hide these emotions. I have the courage to face them and experience them for what they are. I still feel lonely but it no longer haunts my thoughts. I have regained the ability to look myself in the mirror and like the person staring back at me. I am mostly at peace with who I am.

Affirmation I know I am a good person and that I am a better person today because of my recovery.

February 22

”If all were rain and never sun, no bow could span the hill; if all were sun and never rain, there’d be no rainbow still.” Christian Rosetti

An important message that I learned in my early recovery is that life is all about living in balance and having all things in moderation. It’s about getting off the roller coaster ride of our addictions with its steep highs and sharp falls. A healthier life is not a flat line, but more like a drive through rolling hills. There will still be ups and downs, constant fluctuation of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain, good and bad. The goal of recovery is to learn to avoid always living in extreme conditions. We don’t have to do this on our own. We have the support of our peers in our fellowship, our sponsor, and always our Higher Power. We need to learn how to breathe again, to take five or ten seconds to absorb a situation that sets us on edge, then act and not react to what is going on. Finding serenity in recovery, being at peace within ourselves, allows us to step back from situations that threaten to pull us back into the chaos that feeds our addiction. Prayer and meditation are also important tools to help us maintain our composure and maintain sobriety.

Affirmation I will seek to be in balance, knowing that life has its hills and valleys but I longer need to live in the extremes.

February 21

”He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.” Marcus Aurelius

As an addict we may often feel that we are living at odds with ourselves. Our wants and desires to feed our addiction normally conflict with the wants and desires of our healthy self. It can be a struggle in knowing which set of needs we are satisfying by our actions. This conflict has been compared to by some as having two wolves inside us. Each act we perform, each choice we make feeds one wolf or the other. The challenge can be in knowing which wolf we are feeding. The ideal state we seek is to be able to decide which wolf gets fed, and preferably we choose not to feed the wolf of addiction. This constant internal struggle takes place unbeknownst to most people around us. It can sap our energy to perform normal daily activities and cause us to be irritable and short on patience. Finding a place to share our state of mind, with our Higher Power, sponsor or someone in the fellowship can help us to free ourselves from the struggle and remind us that we are not alone. It is a difficult task to be ever vigilant with our internal struggle but we can have faith in the support of our program.

Affirmation I know that I must be every watchful for the motivations of my actions, and try to chose those that do not feed my addiction.

February 20

”I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.” Bob Hope

On our journey to recovery we discover that one of the important things that has been missing in our lives is a healthy expression of our emotions. Not only have we suppressed our negative feelings; anger, doubt, shame, regret and others, but we also discover that we have not truly expressed our positive emotions like happiness, content, joy and love. In connecting with our Higher Power and freeing ourselves of the burdens of our addictive behaviour we also gain the opportunity to rediscover our emotions. For many of us we need to relearn how to feel as we are emotionally immature to some degree. It is terrifying and exhilarating all a the same time to cry deeply, laugh without restraint, and love without condition. We can move along the path to wholeness and once again being a genuine person.

Affirmation I will dare to feel and embrace each moment of this day.

February 19

”There is nothing good or evil save in the will.” Epictetus

It is normal for us as addicts to question if our past and present actions have been good or bad. However, it is important to keep in mind that our addiction is a disease, and mostly a disease of choice. Our dependence on our sexual behaviours compromises our ability to make the appropriate choices. Our sexual desire has become our primary instinct for survival, superseding our other basic needs for food, shelter and affection. The good news is that we can re-establish these priorities in our recovery. By working the steps of the program we can begin to re-adapt to our environment, to recognize our sexual cravings as unhealthy and find more appropriate responses to satisfy our needs and to cope with situations. We will be able to rediscover that we have the willpower to make choices other than the automated responses of our addictive behaviour. Regaining the power of choice grants us the ability to make better decisions for our recovery.

Affirmation I will make the best choices I can for today and I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions. I can trust in the support of my Higher Power and my group.

February 18

”Nothing is more wretched than a guilty conscience.” Plautus

Many of us did not experience guilt or shame during the periods of our lives where we actively acted out. It is often not until we have gained some sobriety that we can look back and experience the negative emotions that accompany our behaviour, not only for the harm we have caused ourselves, but those around us as well. There are others of us who have experienced guilt and shame throughout our addiction and the best way we knew to deal with it was to avoid it by turning back to our false higher power, our addiction. This led us to a vicious cycle of acting out, feeling guilt and shame, evading things and feelings by acting out, and so on. Our guilt and shame, once recognized for what they are, do eat away inside us. In the SAA program, we learn that sharing our past, sharing our experience and our sexual patterns, has the power to free us from the guilt and shame that we carry within ourselves. Lifting this burden from our shoulders gives us new life, hope and strength to put towards our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will not succumb to my guilt and shame. I can share it with my Higher Power, sponsor or group and let it go.

February 17

”The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” Carl Jung

There are days when we feel like hypocrites. We may be doing an honest job working steps of recovery yet at the same time still be stuck in middle and inner circle behaviours. It can be frustrating trying to manage this duality when we are actively aware of its existence. A big part of coping in these times is surrender. Just like one would not think of blaming a diabetic for having to take medication on a regular basis, check their blood sugar levels and monitor their diet, nor can we blame ourselves for the ways that our addiction, our illness, affects our own lives. Just as the diabetic has no choice but to follow his or her routine to treat their disease, so do we need to follow our routine of recovery. Part of that recovery is accepting that we cannot change the fact that we are an addict. Surrendering this fact to our Higher Power can give us freedom to move on to ways to live differently rather than falling prey to the whims of our addictive sexual behaviour.

Affirmation I will surrender my addiction to my Higher Power. I cannot escape being an addict, but I can chose to not let it take charge.

February 16

”There is no entering into the secret thoughts of a man’s heart.” Lord Mansfield

When we first came to SAA, many of us had the impression that we would never find anyone like us, no one who shared our dark secrets. It was surprising for most of us then at our initial meeting to find just how much we had in common with others in the room. What a pleasant relief to know that we were no longer alone! While it may be true that no one can truly understand our lives and our secrets, we come to trust in our group and do find compassion and empathy in those who have a greater understanding of our addiction and the impact it can have on our lives and sanity. It is comforting and reassuring to come back to our meetings on a regular basis, or even after a number of months or years, knowing that we are among equals who genuinely care for us and want to support us on our path to recovery. The miracle of our meetings is also the fact that in sharing our own story, our discoveries made during our own recovery, that we help our fellow members continue their own journey. We truly do accept that we all need to lean on each other from time to time to make it through our difficult periods.

Affirmation I will share my journey, mostly for my own recovery, but with the knowledge that my words may help my fellow members.

February 15

”Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage comes in many forms. Courage during the process of our recovery often comes in small doses; the courage to go to our first meeting, the first time we say aloud that we are a sex addict, the first time we share in a meeting. Yet like many things, the courage in taking these small steps builds confidence and eventually leads to taking bigger steps like seeking a sponsor, sharing our first step, joining a step study group or taking on a leadership role. There is no magic recipe to our recovery. It is more often the accumulation of many small steps, small acts of recovery that lead to our eventual sexual sobriety. There is power in these tiny movements within the program. Like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, we likely only require following the yellow brick road of our recovery and experiencing small moments that will gradually rebuild our self-confidence.

Affirmation Today I will find the courage to work a small part of my recovery, that step will become a part of my continuing journey.

February 14

”Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

I am alone, I am lonely. These ideas are often a core aspect of many of our fears and triggers. In one group they have a set of promises about working the program, one of which talks about eventually turning loneliness into solitude. This is a hard concept for many of us, we have spent so long hiding in our addiction to avoid confronting ourselves that we are very afraid of the prospect. Working the steps of recovery gives us a gentle path to reconnect to our inner selves and rediscover and regenerate our self esteem. Eventually through our efforts, with the help of our Higher Power we will succeed in transforming our loneliness into solitude and learn to be at peace with ourselves.

Affirmation Today I will take some time to be by myself, to take an honest look in the mirror and to be alright with what I see.

February 13

”Here is my secret. It is very simple: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eyes. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We all want to be able to see what the right thing to do is, the right words to say, the right actions to take, the right decisions to make. In our addiction, we lived under the insanity that continuing to feed our addictive behaviour, no matter the cost or consequence, was the best thing to do for our continued survival. Once we began to gain some freedom from the stranglehold of our disease in working our program, we gain the ability in sobriety to see with our hearts and make decisions based on something other than our sexual addiction. It can be challenging, frustrating and daunting trying to make real decisions knowing that our lives have been controlled and managed by our disease for so long. With faith in our Higher Power and support from our friends in the program, we can relearn how to trust in our instincts to do the right thing and maintain our new found sanity in sobriety.

Affirmation Today I will listen to my heart and let my Higher Power guide me in the decisions I make.

February 12

”Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” Mary Sarton

Most sex addicts struggle with the idea of being alone. We have come to believe that without someone else in our life, someone who meets our needs, that we are not whole, not complete. It is challenging to come to terms with the concept that we must learn to be comfortable in our own skin, to be happy with ourselves by ourselves. It is not a prospect that many of us relish. One of the keys in progressing to this stage of transforming loneliness into solitude is the faith and understanding that our Higher Power is with us and will take care of our needs. Putting our trust in the God of our understanding removes the burden of ever having to be truly alone. We can instead be accompanied by our Higher Power and in those moments truly focus on strengthening our spiritual connection. Like many things we have come to discover in our journey to recovery, our ability to be comfortable with ourselves, alone and tranquil, is something that we have forgotten along the way. We don’t have to learn it brand new, we simply need to find out how to reintegrate it into our positive behaviours to help in restoring our sanity.

Affirmation I can be alone with the knowledge that my Higher Power is holding my hand.

February 11

”I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience.” William Shakespeare

There is a lost power inside ourselves that we can rediscover in silence. We can find our calm centre through meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, walks in nature or in prayer with our Higher Power. Connecting to our inner serenity, finding our place of tranquility and reflection, allows us to truly hear ourselves and digest our thoughts and feelings without distraction. It is important for us to take time on a regular basis to slow down and remove ourselves from our hectic lives. Focusing on ourselves in a peaceful space allows us the opportunity to heal and increase our self-awareness. The more we take the time to get in touch with our inner self, the better we are able to function in normal day-to-day life. We can move into action rather than reaction when confronted with stressful situations. Being in touch with ourselves allows us once again to hear the voice of our conscience, which in time helps us make better, more responsible choices. We can learn to appreciate the great force that comes to us from silence.

Affirmation I will find myself in silence and not be afraid; there is power in the void of thought and action.

February 10

”I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.” Albert Einstein

For many of us there comes a time when life is good once again. We feel more normal and that life has once again become manageable, even though there are still problems and difficult situations that confront us. It is often during these periods where we find we have not only the time, but also the energy and the desire to look ahead to the future. It can be a scary prospect as we have spent so long living one day at a time. Looking to the future can bring back memories and pain from a time when thinking about what lay ahead only meant planning our next episode of acting out or some other activity related to our addiction. Making the transition to thinking in a healthy manner about the future takes courage, understanding and support. But we can face this fear with the knowledge we have our feet planted on solid ground with the foundation we have built by working the program. The future can once again become a place of dreams and desires for a better life.

Affirmation Now that I am comfortable living for today, I can allow myself to explore the healthy future that lies ahead.

February 9

”I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” Confucius

Being a sex addict with a partner or spouse can be challenging. One of the obvious questions is whether or not you can or even should stay together once the addiction has been brought into the open. As hard as it may be in such a situation, it is important to be able to do those things that are best for your recovery. If that means stepping out of your relationship, even temporarily, it may well be the best thing for everyone involved. Both people in the relationship will have issues within the couple, as well as individually. Sex addiction, like any other addiction is a family disease. And perhaps more than other addictions, sex addiction is a relationship disease. Everyone will likely benefit from the time and distance of a separation. The addict as well as their partner need time to reflect, seek help and begin the process of healing. Like my own history, there was a serious breach of trust between me and my partner. Taking a step back was critical in allowing each of us the chance to start rebuilding ourselves and our lives. It was not easy by any sense, but still very necessary. As an addict I was at the point where my words had little value and only my actions could be trusted. Being apart helped to show my commitment to recovery and the personal growth I was experiencing.

Affirmation Today I will try not to run away from the hard choices and trust in the will of my Higher Power for the sake of my recovery.

February 8

”Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” Chinese Proverb

I am a grateful recovering sex addict. At the beginning of my recovery I was simply me. But the first time I named myself a sex addict, I began to acknowledge my powerlessness over my addiction and to accept the unmanageability of my life. It was the beginning of my process through Step One. Eventually I felt it was time to call myself a recovering sex addict. The change was simply the fact that I was comfortable with the first step, aware of where my addiction had led me in life, and cognisant that I could never go back to that state of ignorance. I woke up each morning knowing that my focus for the day was to be in recovery. Now I am a grateful recovering sex addict. That change occurred while I was in a treatment program for codependency. I realized that while I was comfortable admitting I was a sex addict that I also hid behind that label; that somehow it justified my thoughts and actions. Coming to that realization that I am more than the sum of my parts, or in this case labels, gave me the freedom to start to be truly grateful for all the self-awareness I have gained, and continue to gain, in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation I am willing to change, but accept that many changes will happen when it’s the right time, not when I want them to.

February 7

”Ability is what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” Lou Holtz

We all have mornings where we wake up and would simply prefer to roll over and go back to sleep. As an addict in recovery, we often feel the same way about working our program; it can wait until tomorrow. In recovery there is often a cost to our procrastination. For many of us avoiding active work in our steps and group leads to middle circle behaviours or even inner circle activity. We have learned through our own experience and from those of our fellow members that procrastination all too often leads to poor choices for our recovery. It’s important for us to work recovery tools into our daily lives. From reading literature, meditation, exercise, reaching out to our sponsor or a group member, or attending a meeting, all these small acts renew our commitment and keep us on the path to maintaining our sanity.

Affirmation Today I will make the time for recovery because I am worth it.

February 6

”Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by older nonsense.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

As addicts in recovery we are often in a state of managing our lives one day at a time. We may feel overwhelmed and not know where to start to put our feet back on the right path. It is important to remember that there is only so much time for us each day and therefore only a limited number of tasks we can accomplish. It’s okay if we do not do as much as we would have liked or planned to do. Tomorrow is another day, and we can start to take things as they come. We will begin to learn how to manage our lives and affairs while making use of the tools of the program. It’s also important to remember to take time and celebrate our accomplishments each day, no matter how big or small.

Affirmation Today I will accept my limit of how much I can accomplish and rejoice in the victories no matter what size they may be. Today is but a stepping stone and tomorrow is always on the horizon.

February 5

”This above all, to thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare

From that first admission that we have a problem, that first time in a meeting when we say out loud that we are a sex addict, we have embarked upon the journey to rediscovering our true self. Many of us have led our double lives for so long that we are no longer aware where our public face ends and our addictive self begins. As we progress in our recovery, we are likely to question just how much parts of both these personalities are the “real” us and we may wonder if we really even know who we want to or should be. It is in these times of self doubt that we need the support of our friends, family and our SAA group to show us the genuine person they see. We need help in finding the things we do selflessly and to begin to re-establish our values, morals, character strengths and weaknesses. In many ways we are lucky since we can choose the aspects that we really want to be part of our lives and make them part of the recovering person we are transforming into.

Affirmation Today I will look at myself through the eyes of those who care about me and strive to be that person.

February 4

”We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality.” Iris Murdoch

As sex addicts our fantasies have been our escape hatch; a way to avoid life and cope with situations we’d rather not deal with.  In working the steps of the program, we start dispelling the illusion that turning to our addiction in times of stress and fear is the healthiest option. We begin to understand that there are alternate ways such as the tools of recovery that will also help keep us sane and deal with those things that life brings before us. We’ve lived in our fantasy worlds for so long that they have become second nature. But now that we can take a sober look at our lives during those periods where our lives were dominated by fantasy, we see we were not really living but merely surviving to feed our addiction. In seeking to change our lives by giving them over to our Higher Power, we relinquish the power of illusion that comes from our addictive behaviour. It’s like discovering how a magician performs a trick, once you know how its done then it loses its ability to mystify and hold control over you. Understanding our addictive behaviour, our new found awareness also begins to release us from the compulsive spell.

Affirmation I will live in the reality of today and turn away from the illusion and empty promises of my addictive behaviour.

February 3

“Fantasies are more than substitutes for an unpleasant reality; they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.” Barbara Grizzati Harrison

Gaining sobriety gives us a huge advantage of looking at the world and situations with new eyes. One place where this can make a huge difference is in looking at our dreams and fantasies. Whereas our mind has been plagued by our compulsive addictive thinking, being able to work our programs frees us to have more positive thoughts. We can turn our fantasies back into a healthy and productive activity, to mentally prepare for a test or interview, to plan a vacation or special event like a wedding, or to simply dream of where our lives will take us as a recovering addict. We all have an amazing potential that has lain dormant, pushed away into the recesses of our mind by our overwhelming sexual desires. Bringing our aspirations back to the forefront helps us to gain hope for brighter future.

Affirmation I can dare to dream again and take back my power of fantasy and imagination.