March 28

”Life’s a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.” John Michael Montgomery

I wish I knew more, that I had enough insight to know what the results of my actions will be before I make them. Unfortunately, I’m not a fortune teller, and like most people, I am stuck trying to make the best decisions that I can with what I know at the moment. Sometimes I do a good job, other times not so much. And so life goes, struggling sometimes to find the right path. I am coming to believe that I have certain skills and resources that help in this part of my life. Letting go and seeking the will of my Higher Power and praying for guidance go a long way in making better choices more often. This also permits me the time to slow down, step back, and listen to my intuition, my “gut instinct” if you will. I am also more apt to seek other’s opinions and advice, welcoming comments and criticism of my plans. I also evaluate my decisions. This lets me review events to seek improvements. In doing so I have learned that decisions made in for instant gratification are often poor choices. So delaying decisions that have a quick reward is a healthier option. Making decisions when there is a high level of emotions is also not usually wise, so instead I may write out how I feel or how I want to respond but review my message the following day before actually passing it along. This is part of my Step 10 work in taking stock on a regular basis of my behaviours, attitudes, and situation.

Affirmation I may not have the confidence to make the best choices, but I am learning ways to make better ones.

October 16

”Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I firmly believe that addiction, and I include all types in my definition, is a disease of choice. That my uncontrollable and unmanageable craving is caused by an illness that affects my ability to make rational decisions, and which circumvents my capacity to recognize the consequences of my actions. Having come to this belief has also increased my fear of being able to make good choices in my recovery. The problem is that life is full of choices. In fact, it’s probably what we spend most of our time doing, from the very simple tasks of taking care of ourselves, our surroundings, or doing our job, to the larger choices of setting goals, working towards dreams, etc. So I suppose it should come as no surprise that there are times when I shy away from making choices. As Patrick Carnes points out in his Recovery Zone series, decisions come at the cost of some sort of loss, something is cut away as the origin of the word suggests. Deciding to eat healthier means giving up some of my comfort foods. Deciding to exercise means giving up some time lazing around doing nothing. Deciding to be in recovery means having the willingness to cut out my addict. All these decisions come at a cost. The problem is, the decisions have to be made, the price paid, in order for me to move on. And this can be why it seems hard to make choices, especially the right ones.

Affirmation Decisions are a part of my life. While the cost of a choice might seem steep right now, chances are the long term effects will more than offset the price I will pay.

August 21

”He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in performance of it.” Jean Jacques Rousseau

Sometimes I need to force myself to slow down in order to truly understand where I am and what is happening around me. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life without really taking the time to evaluate my motivation and actions. This certainly applies in how I make promises. They used to be made most blindly, saying yes to everyone for everything because I needed approval, or was afraid to let someone down. I had very weak boundaries, if any at all, in many aspects of my life. Today I am more assertive in my daily dealings. I am aware of my limitations, of my capacity to help others, as well as being cognizant of the need to take care of myself. All this has led me to being more cautious in promising to do things for others, or even myself, and evaluating situations before I commit. And once I do commit, then I am more confident that I will be able to deliver what I agreed to do. I no longer need to be everything to everyone. The only thing that ever did was to lead me to be nothing for no one. I cannot please the entire world, not even a majority of it. So I am learning its ok to pick and choose where I devote myself, that I can say no and let someone else perform what I just don’t have the time for, and the world won’t stop spinning. And even sometimes I can be selfish and keep some time for myself, and put my self-care as a priority.

Affirmation Always acting in the heat of the moment, as I rush to and fro, does not always lead to the best decisions. Today I will slow down and think things through before taking action.

October 11

”When making choices in life, do not neglect to live.” Samuel Johnson

I can look back more objectively at my life and the times I lived in active addiction. I can see in retrospect that many of my choices were not about living, not about experiencing and enjoying the world around me. Instead they were focused on one sole train of thought – feeding my addiction. I truly did spend much of my time worshipping that idol of sex. I worked to have the resources to support my habit. I stressed about finances, conflicts and life events to feed the reason for my dependence on my addict as my coping mechanism and I rationalized it all away, not taking any responsibility for my actions. Today my decisions are made for better purposes. I choose to be in recovery and make it a priority. I choose to be second, putting the will of the God of my understanding before my own. I choose to serve others. I chose to love, to forgive, to seek and give kindness. I also choose to recognize my addict but not give in any more. I choose not to regret, not to carry resentments, nor to beat myself up for my mistakes – past, present or future. I choose to be part of the world around me rather than isolate, I choose to be an active participant.

Affirmation I have received the gift of choice; let me make the best ones to support my recovery today.

July 26

”Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality.” Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I am unique. I am flawed, imperfect. I am whole yet dependent upon others. I have strengths and natural talents. I can learn, change and adapt. I am not good or evil, moral or immoral, but I can choose to act in ways perceived to be those ways. I am a human being, capable of acts of incredible love, kindness and compassion, or of things much darker. On top of all these aspects given to me at birth, I am also a sex addict. I have a disease, an illness that in its compulsivity erodes my capacity to make good choices and be wary of the consequences. Yet I am a recovering addict, and I have found hope, strength and courage in the 12 Steps and in the humble beginnings of my reconnection to my Higher Power. I am but a servant in my fellowship, there to share my story, my meager wisdom, and to be open to the messages of courage, love, patience, endurance, spirit, and resilience of my fellow members. I am an individual while at the same time a part of a larger whole, something greater than myself that promises to lead me to a life without my dependency on my drug of choice – sex. I find lessons to take home each meeting, words to reflect on and reasons to give thanks. I may be flawed but no longer am I alone as long as I choose recovery and my program.

Affirmation There is strength and hope in all the parts of me, talents to be exploited to further my recovery and weaknesses to be acknowledged and overcome to make progress.