February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.