July 31

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

My attitude can be the defining factor between a disagreement and an argument. A lot depends on the position I take, how willing I am to be listen and receive someone else’s viewpoint. These are all things within my control, and sometimes that simply reminder of the Serenity Prayer can give me the precious moments to pause in a situation and prevent me from making things worse. That’s not always the case. There are still times when I am caught off guard, where I am vulnerable because I am tired or not in the best mood to begin with, or I simply don’t have the right attitude to be loving. This brings me to an interesting point. There are moments when I need to choose to love, where my actions have to lead my heart. It’s not something that always comes naturally, not the first instinctive reaction to a situation. Yet loving another person is always a choice available for me to make. My parents don’t tell me advice to harm me, but because they love me and still want to protect me, even as an adult. My kids don’t disobey to hurt me, but because sometimes they just don’t think about the consequences. My partner doesn’t nag or criticize to belittle me, but because she cares and only wants me to be at my best. I need to remember that others are usually acting out of love towards me to, and often all I need to do is receive their offering. This is an adjustment to my own attitude that I can practice today.

Affirmation

Conflicts may arise today, but I will practice patience and understanding to see where the other person is coming from  and look to respond with love.

July 30

”When defeat comes, accept it as a sign that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your current goal.” Napoleon Hill

Relapse is not much fun. Falling off the path of recovery and back to my old ways is not pleasant. It is a painful reminder that I have a problem. It is a step back to the guilt and shame of the past. It is a reminder of the failure – to myself and those close to me. It breaks trust, removes hope and crushes dreams. It admitting once more that I screwed up and needing to find the strength and courage to pick myself back up and to carry on. Routine was my biggest enemy this time around. Routine that involved me feeling like I am normal, like I don’t need to constantly be working my program. But my relapse has shown me this is not the case. The only way for me to stay sober is to make my program my new routine. Straying from my outer circle and all the important things in my healthy recovery sets me up to fall back. The addiction is always in the wings waiting for a chance to get back in the game. So my resolve has to be redoubled. I need to do most of the good things for me each and every day. That means activities like sleeping and eating well, getting exercise, spending time in my program, checking in with my sponsor or a sponsee, reading recovery materials, writing, prayer and meditation, and time with friends or loved ones. Each element plays it’s part in keeping me healthy. I need to make a checklist to review each day as part of my Step 10 inventory and then reflect on how well I am planning for success. Otherwise I am moving towards being vulnerable for my poorer decisions and behaviours.

Affirmation

My program is not perfect, but as long as I am willing to keep trying, I will get it mostly right and stay on the right path.

July 29

”A mountain is composed of tiny grains of earth. The ocean is made up of tiny drops of water. Even so, life is but an endless series of little details, actions, speeches, and thoughts. And the consequences whether good or bad of even the least of them are far-reaching.” Swami Sivananda

There are some painful consequences to my years of acting out that I am only beginning to recognize. One of them which is fresh and hurtful has to deal with my sex life directly. I’ve only recently notices that my obsession has affected my brain’s ability to store memories related to sex, be the good, bad or indifferent. Thus I face a new challenge as I am in a good, healthy relationship with a loving and caring partner. It’s just now sinking in that my brain is short-circuited in storing the events of our sex life, even really the great moments. This is not something that is helpful in trying to build healthy sexual memories to counteract all the poor ones from the past. Instead, these new memories are treated the same as all the others, lumped into the same group and given little priority as something worth remembering. I find this a sad and discouraging after-effect of my former behaviours. So I am trying something new to teach my head to take note of the positive, extraordinary experiences. After the fact, I am taking a few minutes to consciously recall what has just taken place and how I am feeling to try and coerce my brain that this moment is worth remembering. It kinda sucks that that I have to take this extra effort to engrave these good memories, and that I have to admit that there are things that are broken. Just another consequence yet one I hope with time that it too can be improved.

Affirmation

There will be many challenges to face as I progress in my recovery, and I must be willing to stand up to each one to the best of my ability.