August 26

”Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons.” John Noble

There are days like today where I am really not very proud of myself. After a conversation with someone who I care about where I have to admit, once again, that I have lied, cheated, done or said something to break their trust, have disrespected them in some way, I don’t feel very good about being me. Then there is admitting I’ve done those same things to the relationship with myself, as well as the one with my Higher Power. Living a program of rigorous honest isn’t simple, has many parts that are not enjoyable, and doesn’t come without a lot of hard work and effort. I don’t like having to be reminded that I have to try harder to follow my program of recovery, to respect my rules and boundaries and abide by the things I’ve place in my circles. The pull to just be normal is too strong and attractive sometimes. Yet if I look in the mirror, although it’s not tattooed on my forehead, there is a reflection of an addict. Me, the broken one, struggling to find the way to live a life where my disease is manageable and I am not always out of control. Yes, moments like this can make me question why I continue to bother. Why not just simply give in, go back to the way things used to be. Two good reasons come to mind. The first one is that I can no longer go back to who I was. I no longer have the ignorance of not having identified my disease. Secondly, and more important, I am well aware of all that I stand to lose, all the consequences that await me at the end of the darker path. Given the options, I will pick up the heavy burden today and pray for the strength to carry until tomorrow.

Affirmation

Gray days will happen, and there will be times when I need to clean the slate once again, and share all that is still happening beneath the surface. This is the only way for me to stay sober.

August 25

”Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.” Les Brown

Part of my self-discovery in my recovery work has been to look at some of the beliefs that I have carried with me from childhood. One area has been to investigate all the things I have learned from the fairy tales of my youth. In doing so, there are many simple truths that simply aren’t true. Happily ever after, well it may exist, but it doesn’t just fall into anyone’s lap. Love at first sight, well experience would say lust, and then reality eventually comes back into the picture. This internal work continues to show me, time and time again, that most of the things that are worthwhile in my life will only remain that way as long as I continue to choose to make them a priority. I will continue to be in love because I make the choice, each and every day, to love the partner I am with. As a result I will dedicate time and energy to nurture that relationship. Choosing to be a good father/coworker/friend falls into the same pattern. The simple truth of the matter is that it is where I put my time and energy that counts. This is where my willpower comes into play. I do have the capacity to choose to focus on these positive aspects. I do have the ability to turn my will over to my Higher Power, and ask for help to keep them a priority. In committing to recovery, in seeking to learn how to be a better me, I have little choice but to move away from my old behaviours that held me back. The motivation is within me, and always has been.

Affirmation

It’s not enough for me to say I want something. I need to make the effort to incorporate what I want into my life in order to realize my goals.

August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.