March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.

March 28

"I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” Alyson Noel

Some days are easier than others. There are days where it's easy to focus on the present moment and all the gifts that have been offered to me. And there are others, like today, the evoke a strong sense of loss for something that is missing in my life, or something that was not meant to be. That hole can be quite gaping indeed.      I used to want to run away and hide on days like this, like a turtle withdrawn into the protection of its shell. Simply to await the passing of hours into the next day so that all the bad thoughts and feelings might fade with the closing of the day. I have changed my approach, most times I surge into these moments of grief and loss to confront the feelings that I find. It's time for me to reflect, to write, and even to cry. But that's alright, this is normal. I am allowed to feel sadness, hurt, and loss. It's just part of being human.      What has made the difference? Mostly the fact that I know that I am not alone. I know in these times to reach out for support even more than I may normally need. I know to be gentle, and to give myself the time and space needed to process my emotions. Grief is no longer a tidal wave to crash into me and take me off solid ground. Yes the waves are still coming, but it's okay to get wet. True grief is only I sign that I have truly loved. And that is a blessing I shall always cherish.

Affirmation

Grief and sorrow are but a season, but one that I can face with the support of friends and family.

March 27

”Life has no limitations, except the ones you make.” Les Brown

I've been accused of being a manipulative individual, of using people to meet my own needs. While there is some truth to this, I am coming to see that it was me who was manipulated first and foremost by my addiction. Those compulsions and obsessions, the warping of my perspective of reality, these are what led to to believe in that false idol and all its empty promises. My thoughts and actions became twisted and tainted by the desires of my addict, that only sought to fulfill its own needs, at the expense of everything else, including eventually my own well-being. My addict was not a helpful symbiotic presence, but a parasitic one, devouring its own host for survival. Life in addiction had limitations, because for the most part, the addict was controlling the strings. Life in recovery is returning control to me. In turn, I am making the conscious choice to turn my will over the the care of a loving, protective, and helpful God of my understanding. This is a path without limits, without bounds, with an endless horizon of possibilities and opportunities.  Yet I can still feel like life is not limitless, I can fall back into the grasps of my addictive "stinking thinking that I am less than, not worthy, or any of the other put-downs that used to hold me prisoner. I am loved and lovable. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I have a purpose. I matter. There are no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

Affirmation

Through turning my will over to my Higher Power today I shall reach further, climb higher, and be the best me that I am able.