July 13

”There is a past which is gone forever, but there is a future which is still our own.” F. W. Robertson

I think I am starting to understand the concept of not being able to go home again. After 4 months of living on my own, away from my spouse and my family, I know things will never be the way they were before, even if we reconcile. There is no changing the past. Yet I am not completely in despair. I hope that if things do work out, they will be better than before. I know I am no longer the same person I was since having admitted my problems and actively taking the steps to change. Living in recovery today I am aware that the pull of my addiction is not the promise of a bright and happy future, but the attempt to pull me back into the past. My addiction prefers to keep me in stasis, unchanging, isolated and stagnating in the fantasy world that does little to make my life productive. Recovery on the other hand is not so much about the future as it is about the present. Living for the future can be as destructive as dwelling on the past. The program is teaching me to live in and for the moment. This is where the action is, where my energy is best spent to make real changes. I may never go home again, but living in the now helps me to be content with myself, no matter where I may be.

Affirmation I will not dwell on the past nor worry about the future: the here and now is where I need to be focused.