January 6

”Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” Sir John Lubbock

I used to think I had to keep myself busy all the time to be productive. Even as I moved into recovery, I was frightened by periods of having nothing to do and being faced with the prospect of having to spend quiet time with all the thoughts in my head. I didn’t trust myself to confront what was running around up there, nor did I really want to admit all that was happening to keep my addict running. It has taken time and effort of working the steps to quell these fears in my head so that I can truly enjoy being idle. Meditation, just practicing being still and trying to remove all my thoughts, has helped tremendously in transforming my loneliness into solitude. Relaxing in nature, during any season, allows me time to calm my mind and take a mental break. Just as my body needs rest and relaxation, so too does my head. I no longer have that drive to fill every waking moment, nor the fear of spending time alone with my ponderings as I once did. I am much better at acknowledging thoughts, even triggers, yet simply letting them be, exist and disappear, without spending any more time or energy on them. Then I can simply be.

Affirmation I will learn to find comfort in solitude as I gain the confidence to be at peace with who I am.