December 31

”Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.” Henri Nouwen

Spending holidays without my kids puts some of my past into perspective. It’s a reminder of the cost my addiction. But it was also a time for reflection, and where I noticed that I am better able to be alone. As my group’s promises state, “reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness.” This is something that I have begun to notice in my life, that my loneliness is indeed transforming into solitude. My addiction was lonely, and being alone was indeed painful, which led to my wanting to find some way to soothe the suffering. My medication was to act out, and I can see how so much of that past behaviour stemmed from desperation. Solitude comes from the serenity I experience in recovery. The fact that I no longer feel driven by my addiction, but that I know I can rely on my Higher Power, my group, friends, family, and even myself, has shown me the power of community. I have finally come to find peace within, and that is the best gift I could ever hope for.

Affirmation I will enjoy the tranquility of life, the quiet moments to simply sit and just be. I do not need external things to distract me from being alone.

December 26

”All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” J. R. R. Tolkien

Some days I am really discouraged with myself, and with how little I am doing to take care of my needs. It happens on days when I go to get dressed and can’t find clothes that fit properly and I am reminded that I have not been exercising as much as I would like, or eating as healthy as I should. It happens on days that I pick up my pen to write and realize it’s been days or weeks since I last put an entry in my journal. It happens when I go to a meeting and have to look at the calendar to recall the last time I sat around the table with my brothers and sisters in recovery. Staying focused on my recovery takes effort. It’s a set of new habits, many of which still do not come naturally to me. I have to set reminders, and have others check up on me to ensure that I remember to follow my program. I need to establish a new routine that includes my new tools to help me progress in my recovery. The more I find excuses to put something off, the easier it is to forget and the harder it is to find the resolve to get back on track. Being sober gives me back the power to choose what to do with my time. However, I need to make the effort to plan my time accordingly, to put recovery work into my daily routine, or my old habits will work their way into squandering my time.

Affirmation Recovery has a lot do to with recreating myself, and that means putting new and healthy habits into my routine to reinforce my sobriety.

December 25

”I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” Harlan Miller

I think this is true of many things, patience, love, kindness – it would be nice when we have an excess to be able to take some and store it away to be available when we are in short supply. I imagine having a little pantry with a bunch of glass jars, filled with lights of various colors for all these attributes I wish could be stock-piled, waiting for the day when I need a little boost. The truth is that I have something in my life now that has an endless supply. My recovery program is teaching me that I am no longer alone, that I have the accompaniment of a Higher Power, who is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent – all powerful, all-knowing, and always present. I am learning that on my own I am not able to walk this path before me, but that in surrendering to the will of my Higher Power I will also be granted all that I need to succeed. Therein in lies my infinite supply of whatever is required to live the life I am meant to have. Prayer and meditation are my ways to ask and receive what I need most. When I seek guidance to know the will of the God of my understanding, I am asking for the tools and capabilities to follow through with His plans. So I can have a little bit of Christmas with me every day of the year, as long as I ask for it.

Affirmation My Higher Power will provide me with everything I need if I but ask, and seek to know the path I am to follow.

December 23

”Each day is a loan, spend it wisely.” Anonymous

Time is a precious gift, and something I squandered too easily in the past. It is still something I struggle with, having too much time and trying to make good use of it. Having time on my hands doesn’t mean that I always have to have it planned out; spending free time relaxing, meditation or reflecting is healthy. But there are many ways I can simply waste it. I’ve come to realize that lure of my addiction was the lure to escape. And the result of all that running away is that I kept hiding from myself. This is most apparent in those times when I am alone and when I feel uncomfortable, like having an itch I can’t find to scratch. It’s at those times I wish I was anywhere else, or doing anything else, than being stuck with only myself. These are the times when I need to slow myself down, to reassure myself that I am safe all by my lonesome. I have to remember the simple things, like breathing. Or like focusing on the thoughts that are preoccupying my attention, recognizing they are there, and letting them go. I need to remain grounded and focused on the present to make the best use of my time.

Affirmation Time is a gift, one that I am learning to value. Time with myself is something to treasure, and a healthy part of my sobriety.

December 20

”When the road ahead is dark, And you don’t know where to go, Take another step, take another step, Trust God and take another step” Stephen Curtis Chapman

The light at the end of the tunnel has not always shone brightly, if at all sometimes. There have been many times, in my active addiction as in my recovery, where the situation has seemed bleak and without much hope. The hardest thing has been to keep pushing forward, to trust that my Higher Power would take care of me. Standing still does nothing to move me towards change. Many steps in recovery have been taken in blind faith, with the hope of those who have gone before me that it was the right thing to do. Leaning on other’s wisdom and advice has not come naturally, and surrendering my own will has not been easy. But I have made much more progress in changing my life and moving away from my past by allowing myself to be guided in this way. As the Steps show me, turning my life and my will over to the God of my understanding is something I need to do in order to heal. This act of surrender frees me from the burden of guilt and shame that has kept me trapped for so many years. And it loosening the grip of my dark shadow makes taking each step that much easier.

Affirmation “In God I Trust” is a good slogan to help me surrender my will and allow myself to be open to the guidance of my Higher Power.

December 18

”Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.” Quote from the movie “Aladdin”

I was walking in the winter snow recently, down a side street where the plows had passed and spread out their sand and salt. Most of the snow was no longer white as a result, but as I watched, the sun came out and to my surprise; the snow still sparkled in its brilliance, even under all the dirt. I found this metaphor quite suitable for my life. I believe that my life has been more like that dirty snow, mixed up with a bunch of things that have not kept me pure or on the right path. Yet, when the sun shines, or better when my purpose is alit by my Higher Power, it reveals that the beauty and potential is still there, even when I didn’t see it. The things I need to succeed in life have already been provided to me, I just have to work with them in spite of all the dirt around me. Recovery is teaching me that I have much worth that has lain far within for far too long. As I shed the skin of my addiction, push away that filth that I attracted for too long, I too, can be a brilliant snowflake to shine in the light of my Creator.

Affirmation My potential to follow the path of the God of my understanding is always there, I just need to be reminded to shine from time to time.

December 17

”Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

Love is a part of my life that I have only begun to understand correctly in my recent recovery. It is not about seeking, about getting what I want, or about having things I deserve. Rather, love is about sharing, about spreading the joy I have inside with others, about wanting to put someone else before me. I love not to be loved in return, but simply because I am filled with it and I need to pass it along. I now have people in my life who love me deeply, some who always have but I never recognized it, like my parents, and others who are a more recent addition. Nonetheless, knowing that others care strongly for me gives me strength to want to continue in this new life, to keep on progressing in becoming a better person. I am also learning how to love deeply, to be fully committed to other people, to be truly intimate and to be part of a partnership. Relationships may be based on give and take, yet I can half participate, only giving when I know that I will get something in return. Nowadays, I give simply because I am able, and I am less expectant of what might come back as a result. I have more courage to face the world because of the depth of my love of others.

Affirmation May God grant me all the love I need today to share with others, to spread joy and happiness, and to propel me along my path of recovery.

December 9

”Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill

Some days I certainly feel more like a failure than others. There are many things from my past that I am not proud of, poor choices I made, or things I have done that were not very good. My past can serve me in a couple ways. First, it is a reminder now of how I used to be, and motivation to continue along my path of recovery as I no longer wish to be the person I was. My failures are also a way for me to connect with others who suffer like I used to. It’s a show of empathy for the pain and darkness that they have lived through that only another addict truly understands. I used to move from mistake to mistake falling further into a pit of despair, fully under the power of my addiction. In recovery I know that my mistakes are a part of the journey and places for me to learn and seek improvement. I can keep my enthusiasm to follow the new path because I know my Higher Power is with me every step of the way.

Affirmation Failures, like success, are just parts of life. There is something to learn from everything, and I can make it through it all with the help of my Higher Power.

December 8

”A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” George Bernard Shaw

Family means a lot of different things for me these days. It’s a reconnection to my parents after years of ignoring them. It’s a loss of family through my separation and divorce, and unfortunately some of my kids. It’s been an increased in time with some the rest of my children, and a relationship that is being nurtured and making up for past neglect. And it’s also newness as I have moved into a new partnership with additional children in the picture. So I suppose that I shouldn’t be too surprised to find my feelings a little mixed up most of the time. There have been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years, and family has been something central to those changes. I am content that in many respects, my family is moving towards a happier and stable aspect. Yet there are still moments it is bittersweet as I cannot forgot what was lost to bring me here. Change still means letting go of things, having the willingness to acknowledge that certain paths in my life have drawn to a close. Dealing with loss can still be a challenge, and relationships are something that have an emotional impact. Yet I know that in my recovery I am moving in a better direction in all my interactions and that I am a better person to share my life with others.

Affirmation Bonds can be strengthened or broken, but the ones that remain as I live my recovery can only benefit by my continuing work.