August 26

”Whoever starts out toward the unknown must consent to venture alone.” Andre Gide

Looking back, this was probably the aspect of admitting I had an addiction that frightened me the most – having to face it on my own. Discovering my S-group and realizing that there were others like me was a huge relief, even if I was nervous going to my initial meetings. I felt at home almost immediately and found a place where it was safe and where I could allow myself to talk openly and honestly for the first time. I know that my recovery is my own journey, one that no one else can take. Yet at the same time, I know there is a great deal of support should I choose to avail myself of it. I am blessed to be able to leverage the strength, hope, experience and wisdom of others who have gone before me, or who are in the midst of their recovery like I am. Recovery is no longer as scary an idea, even though I realize that it takes a lot of work and effort. That part is alright, even welcomed, as I would rather be putting my energy into activities that are making me a better person than those which were out to destroy me. Rather than merely existing moment to moment, I much prefer to be living life to the fullest.

Affirmation

I may need to recover on my own, but with the support of my friends in the program, I am certainly not alone.

February 22

”Few things heal wounded spirits better than the balm of a supportive embrace.” Charles Swindoll

One of the powers of the program is the genuine support that is offered. I, like many others, have to come to think of my fellowship as a second family. It is a place of safety, security and comfort. There is always someone who is willing to listen, who won’t judge, won’t offer advice, but will simply be present and be there for me. It is the strength of this group that has helped to mend my wounded spirit. It is through them, through their struggles, their honesty and their strength that I have found the courage to move in a different and better direction. I have found a place of warmth, of intimacy, that has embraced my brokenness and encouraged my hope to spring forth. In healing my spirit I have found the will and the strength to help others in kind. I have a desire to share my recovery with members who, like me, suffer with this disease. I have the gift of this new found awareness and some humble beginnings of wisdom to nurture and encourage my brothers and sisters along their own journeys. My wounded past has turned from a weakness into a strength to allow me to embrace my friends in recovery.

Affirmation My wounds will heal, and though there may be scars left behind, I can turn that healing into a boon for others who still suffer.

February 13

”People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.” Brian Tracy

Goal-setting has been a challenge in recovery. I find myself at odds in trying to both live in the present and sit down to set goals that make me look to the future. Looking to set healthy goals is a new perspective, and one that’s still a bit unfamiliar. My future used to only be filled with planning for my next bout of acting out. Trying to determine what healthy goals are wasn’t that easy in the beginning. I had to rely on others around me to get their feedback before trusting that I was making good plans. Gradually, I gained confidence in my own skills to make good choices and set good targets that supported my recovery. One thing that certainly has helped is the simple act of writing out my goals. This is in part because it takes me longer to describe the goal, which makes it more real and gives it more importance. It also makes me think more about it, and can help plan steps to achieving it. The whole process enables me to envision realizing these tasks even more when I include those close to me.

Affirmation I will gradually be able to set goals with support and by taking the time to think them through and put them on paper.

November 10

”Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.” Norma Vincent Peale

As one member puts it, he continues to come to meetings to place himself amongst the coals and heat of others in recovery, to rekindle his own flame and spark to continue working his program. It is true I often see my meetings in a similar fashion, that sitting with like-minded, and similar afflicted but coping people, gives me a boost to keep pursuing my own growth and change. I may share my own experience, strength and hope, but I also receive the same from everyone who offers their own to the group. Addiction taught me that no one was worthy of trust, that I was meant to succeed in life by no one’s will and effort but my own. Obviously, that was not a path or reality that really worked. Recovery and the 12 Steps are teaching me that life requires the assistance of others, that things work better when I reach out and put my faith not only in my fellow man, but also in a Higher Power. It is in gaining a sense of community that I will grow and find happiness. It makes sense when my world consisted only of me, myself and I, that life’s blows seemed the most devastating. There was nothing and no one for me to fall back on. However, now that I know I am not alone, that there is a team of people rooting for me and supporting me, I can more readily face the challenges of life. I carry a seed of enthusiasm and hope within, but I am aware that it is fueled and sustained by those who surround me.

Affirmation May my fire of recovery burn brightly, may I seek similar spirits to kindle my flame and keep the flame of change ever-lit.

January 13

”An infectious smile spreads good will.” Anonymous

This quote seems more appropriate after having just watched the movie Patch Adams. Seeing how this medical student chose to see patients as people first and their condition second gives me hope that others well be able to see addicts in a similar light. I do believe that this is a disease and that I deserve to be treated as a person, with compassion, understanding and respect, if I am to succeed at overcoming the worst of my illness. The quote also reminds me that my road to recovery started with small acts of kindness. A warm reception on a phone line, a kind greeting at my first meeting, the welcome to a group of peers and encouragement to keep coming back. In my recovery today I have those same gifts I can offer back to those who are only beginning their own journey of healing. If I am willing and open, recovery becomes contagious. While I still need to lean on others for support, it happens frequently that others turn to me in times of need. It is a good feeling to know that I can be a pillar for someone else, a beacon of light in their dark and stormy moments. Together, through the steps, recovery is possible.

Affirmation I gain hope that my addiction will be accepted as I have been welcomed into my fellowship. I have a renewed faith in the compassion and love that lives within humankind.

August 16

”No man can reveal to you ought, but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.” Khalil Gibran

I recently took a huge leap in my recovery and shared my 5th step with a fellow member. I was trepidatious, knowing I was opening myself to bare my soul in a way that I had never done. Working my fourth and putting down on paper all my resentments, fears, loneliness, hurt and pain, somewhat balanced by my healthy behaviours and achievements had been challenging enough. I am grateful for the support of my step study group and the strength from my Higher Power to get me through those few weeks of intensive introspection as I worked my 4th. My continuing recovery is showing me what I am capable of doing. My desire to live as a better person is motivating me to work the program and the continuous display of hope and the promise of a new way of living fuels my attitude to do it right. The challenges of working the steps have been tempered by the support of my fellowship. I will not deny that this has been difficult, some of the hardest work I have ever had to do to face my inner demons and my faults. It has been harder to find the good in those dark times, to discover reasons to love myself, to celebrate achievements, to find worthiness within me, and to accept myself as whole. Yet I am who I am and my Higher Power accepts me as I am, so I shall do no less.

Affirmation The hardest steps can be overcome when I trust the process and accept the support of others.

June 3

”There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” John Andrew Holmes

I joined SAA because I needed help. I was grateful to have found a place of support, compassion and understanding. I feel lucky to have found people who have shared their experience, strength and hope, who have encouraged me and who have also told me straight out how they see me and what I have done or not done. These are just some of the gifts I have received from the program so far. Now that I am somewhat more experienced I am encountering a different aspect in the fellowship. It happens more frequently that someone seeks me out for support, or that I am that extra listening ear after a meeting, or that I find myself in the position to tell things as I see them. I always try to be humble and gentle in these moments, remembering all too well what it felt like being in the other member’s place. It is part of my responsibility to actively help others when I am capable of doing so. I still learn as much, if not more, from listening to others as I do in sharing my own experience. It feels good to do service and give back to the program in this fundamental way.

Affirmation I will remember how I felt when I asked for support when others need to lean on me. Being humble and gentle are important attitudes to retain.

May 27

”Having someone who understands is a great blessing for ourselves. Being someone who understands is a great blessing for others.” Janette Oke

The most precious gift I have found in my groups, and in the SAA fellowship as a whole has been understanding. For what feels to be the first time in my life I know, without a doubt, that I am not alone. While the reasons for me having found the group are not pleasant, the fact that there are groups of like-minded individuals who seek to overcome this addiction brings me tremendous hope. I challenge myself at every meeting to remain honest, to share openly about where I am, the struggles I still face and the successes I have achieved. I give my attention to others to show my own support for their journey. I learn from everyone I hear, and can almost always share in some aspect of their story that is similar to my own. In the beginning I needed to lean on others to have the courage and strength to keep taking the next step. Today I know I seek that support even more, not only in coping with my addictive thoughts and tendencies, but with most aspects of my life. Dealing with life on life’s terms is rarely easy, yet I am fortunate to know that I need not do it alone. I am able to support others in ways that I needed as a newcomer. I am grateful to be able to give back, and as the program says, to help those who still suffer.

Affirmation Today I will seek to understand others as much as I pray to be understood. There is great strength and hope in my fellowship which can support me.

May 7

”Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.” Henry Kaiser

Lately I have become grateful for adversity. I have gained enough serenity and sobriety that I have been able to weather several challenging storms in my recovery, a number of which have had little to do with my addiction but were simply life events. I have not done this on my own, by any stretch of the imagination. I has required a great reliance on my Higher Power and my support network, my fellowship, family and friends. The part I am grateful for is that I am coming to more readily accept the need to surrender in situations where I have little control and to reach out for help. I have jokingly shared with others that I have been able to establish an emergency hotline to my Higher Power. Yet this is a good thing as it shows how I have strengthened my faith. While I have still had many pulls to fall back into my old ways in these times of stress, they have only lasted moments. Through the grace of God, I have had the ability to choose to pick up a tool of recovery or to reach out to multiple people in my fellowship. I am learning to trust and express my feelings instead of bottling them inside me. I shared at a meeting that I feel I have no choice but to continue picking up tools of recovery. One member reminded me that the choice is always there. It humbled me, and at the same time strengthened me to see that I can do things differently by trusting in my Higher Power and the program. Life can be sane even it times of chaos.

Affirmation I will seek opportunity in adversity; challenges are times for me practice what I preach in recovery.

March 31

”No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.” Agnes de Mille

Many of us act the way we do in order to attract the attention and approval of those around us; validation that we matter. In coming to look at ourselves we begin to realize that we need to learn to love ourselves, that we are able to look in the mirror and be content with the person staring back at us. Our cries for attention will never truly satisfy our needs of love, affection and recognition if we cannot find the same qualities within ourselves. At some point we have to learn that only our own perception of ourselves is the one that matters the most. In turning our energies to make ourselves whole and healthy we will be presenting our true selves to the world around us. If we surround ourselves with good people who can support us yet be frank and honest, we will receive good feedback that we can evaluate and use to adjust our attitudes and behaviours if it’s necessary for us to do so. We will take satisfaction not so much for a job well done, but for following the simple principles of the program and being open to the will of our Higher Power.

Affirmation I will be content with who I am today and not seek approval and attention from those around me. I am worthwhile.

March 15

”I wanted to write about the moment when your addiction no longer hides the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down that’s the moment when you somehow have to choose what your life is going to be about.” Chuck Palahniuk

One of the things we realize is that once we’ve admitted that we are a sex addict there is no turning back. Just like a cartoon character that runs off of a cliff, once he looks down, gravity suddenly takes effect and there is nothing left to do but be pulled down. Taking that first step to come clean about our past behaviour can feel the same way, like the dam of our past has sprung a leak that leads to us being washed away in a flash flood. It’s important to remember that our past is finite and that the waters trying to drown us are not limitless but will eventually recede. In the beginning is when we need the most support to know we aren’t alone, to help keep us afloat and to remind us that this too will pass. It’s also comforting to know that at the time we find the courage to admit our problem and begin working the program, our resolve and will are often strong enough to help us weather the oncoming storm. In the end, time will temper all things and restore balance.

Affirmation I know there is a flood that awaits me, but I also know that I need not face it alone.

February 22

”If all were rain and never sun, no bow could span the hill; if all were sun and never rain, there’d be no rainbow still.” Christian Rosetti

An important message that I learned in my early recovery is that life is all about living in balance and having all things in moderation. It’s about getting off the roller coaster ride of our addictions with its steep highs and sharp falls. A healthier life is not a flat line, but more like a drive through rolling hills. There will still be ups and downs, constant fluctuation of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain, good and bad. The goal of recovery is to learn to avoid always living in extreme conditions. We don’t have to do this on our own. We have the support of our peers in our fellowship, our sponsor, and always our Higher Power. We need to learn how to breathe again, to take five or ten seconds to absorb a situation that sets us on edge, then act and not react to what is going on. Finding serenity in recovery, being at peace within ourselves, allows us to step back from situations that threaten to pull us back into the chaos that feeds our addiction. Prayer and meditation are also important tools to help us maintain our composure and maintain sobriety.

Affirmation I will seek to be in balance, knowing that life has its hills and valleys but I longer need to live in the extremes.