February 2

”Living well is the best revenge.” George Herbert

Through my in-depth work of my 4th step, one of the patterns that emerged was that of revenge. Recognizing that as a teen I often felt rejected by my peers, by my friends, and even on occasion my parents, I sought retribution through revenge. Yet my revenge in most cases was not direct. In fact, for quite some time, my revenge only happened in my own head, in my dreams and fantasies where I found ways to get back at those by whom I had been hurt. In time, those fantasies could not stay fully confined to my thoughts, so small parts of them moved from the imaginary into possibility – planning and scheming. Eventually even that was insufficient, and some acts then became reality. Gratefully my transition was kept to activities where I was very discreet, and which were not directly targeting people, but their possessions. Yet still, as I have come to understand my motivations, the intent was there to seek some form of retaliation. In fact, in many cases I felt the effect was increased by the fact that the person would likely never know. Gladly, after a good deal of effort in putting the steps into practice, I have a new way to seek revenge for the hurts of the past and the present. The best way I can deal with the times where I feel rejected, ignored, or ridiculed is to continue working my program. By not letting those negative situations derail me, I become a testament to the power of recovery which has taken hold in my heart, my soul, and my mind.

Affirmation

My defects of character do not always have to vanish, but can sometimes be transformed into a healthier way of looking at the world and dealing with life on life’s terms.

October 19

”Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower.” Shigenori Kameoka

As much as I have reason to be upset, to hold a grudge, or to seek revenge as I move forward in my new life, these acts are no longer congruent with how I want to live. There are people from my past and present, who dislike me or worse, and it has been a difficult transition but these are now the people whom I pray for most. Not so that they will treat me better, but so that they find their own path of healing and recovery. I have found the seed at the bottom of my heart, and it is love. It is an imperfect, human love, but it is still my direct connection to God’s love. I seek only to do what is right by His will and his guidance. For my Higher Power will not only lead me, but as I believe He alone will also judge me. I am open to feedback and criticism and I am working hard at only accepting the parts which are the truth and letting the harsh words, insults and hateful emotions go. Retaliation serves no purpose; I will not change other’s views or attitudes by acting as they do, if indeed I have any influence at all. I remain steadfast to my morals and values because it is the right thing to do.

Affirmation If I remember to think, speak, and act from the basis of love, I will make the right choices today.