April 30

"Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.” Maya Angelou

On a cloudy day like today it can be easy for me to forget what the warmth of the sun feels like on my skin. I can all too easily relate to the grey skies, reflecting that dreary atmosphere in my own mood. I need to make a conscious effort to realize that I do not need to be a victim to my circumstances. I am not obligated to automatically imitate my surroundings. Rather, I can choose to remember that the sun is still there, however there is simply an obstacle between me and those rays of light. Certainly it's not a barrier that I can remove, but it doesn't change the fact that I have the choice to focus on what is in the way, or my belief and faith that the sun is still there doing its job. This is where my own determination and discipline comes into play. It is easy to do the right things when things are going well, harder when they are not. But it is in the consistency and persistence of my actions that I build resolve and character. Further, where I start my day from, the base attitudes and perceptions I choose to hold onto, affects my interactions with others. If I am being positive, looking for the silver lining in the grey clouds above, I am more likely to be open and willing to be of service, to offer a helping hand or empathetic ear, and to be that rainbow in someone else's cloud.

Affirmation

My own attitude heading into today will have a great influence on my interactions with others so let me choose to be positive no matter the external circumstances.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

October 30

”Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

I think this idea sums up a good portion of the aim of my recovery, the process through which I will restore my character. While I am not so certain that I was obsessed about my reputation during my active addiction, I was definitely not doing much to build my character. If anything I was acting like a bunch of different characters, but they were mainly facades. The 4th and 5th Steps have been key components to the restoration of my integrity, values and morals. Taking my inventory, fearlessly, and putting my life under a microscope has helped me see in clearer detail all my strengths and weaknesses. This introspection helped lay a foundation for me to start laying down the new framework for the person I want to be. Steps 8 and 9 are a continuation of the process. For me it is taking my recovery work beyond myself, and out into the surrounding area where my actions and behaviours harmed others. In humbling myself to face those who I have hurt, to express my regret in having treated them as I did, and seeking to make amends, I also strengthen my character. These are positive steps to reinforcing the person I want to be in recovery, and in life.

Affirmation In following the Steps, I will work towards rebuilding and strengthening my character, one block at a time.

July 1

”The stronger the winds, the deeper the roots, and the longer the winds, the more beautiful the tree.” Charles Swindell

I think the meaning behind this quote is that if we weather the storms of life, if we face our fears, then we are better for it when we come out the other side. Living through challenging situations builds character and strength, and if we survive by relying on our Higher Power, on others and our own talents and abilities we will build integrity and resolve. We can choose to survive in other ways. My life in addiction was not a healthy way to survive the struggles of life, but to cower in fear, blame others, create more chaos and destruction. In essence coping through my acting out behaviours caused me to shrink, to ignore my talents and abilities or twist them to impure uses, to rely on no one but myself in isolation, to deny all that was beautiful and project only ugliness. This was not truly living by any stretch of the imagination, but only existing in the merest sense of the word. The challenges of life today feel different than in the past, mainly due to my new faith in y Higher Power and my program. The winds of change continue to blow but I now recognize the opportunity to strengthen my roots, to lean on others for support and, above all else, to trust in God.

Affirmation I will live today rather than merely exist or survive…my life is worth being enjoyed and shared.

May 5

”Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller

One of the messages that has stayed with me since treatment is that I should be happy to be in discomfort. Being in that state means I am in a state of change or ready for it. The routine is stable, comfortable and safe. Change is the opposite, we are uncertain, apprehensive, reluctant, but its only through change that we truly grow. My character needs to go through a transformation if I am truly to make the journey out of my active addiction to a different and sane life. Giving up my old ways is a very real way of losing a part of myself that has sustained me, provided for me, and helped me cope for years. I need to let that part of me die, having served its purpose, to make room for other ways to meet the challenges of daily life. I am aware that I will need to grieve this loss of self. Change can come gradually or in a quick burst. But change is all around me and I can learn to embrace it. My goal is to continue to welcome newness into my life.

Affirmation I will be aware of what makes me uncomfortable today and explore the opportunity to change and grow that comes with those feelings.