May 1

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” Charles Dickens

I have to admit there have been times when I have felt useless, like I was not making a difference in the world. In short, I have felt that I simply didn't matter. The inner dialogue running through my head was overpowering, negative and diminished my faith in my self and my own sense of worth. I have been my own worst critic far too often. Being in 2020, I feel like the theme of hindsight should be running rampant. Maybe that was the way things were going to go until the pandemic came to the forefront. Perhaps the time for all of us to reflect is still waiting in the weeks and months to come. Yet in this pause I know I have become more aware of some things, and certainly one key point is that in those moments when I have felt the most useless, I have also been the most isolated and lost within my own thoughts. Knowing that I am often unreliable as a judge of my own character must lead to the conclusion that I need to be connected with others. Friends and mentors can often be a better mirror than my own eyes which may deceive me. More so, in connecting with others I am reminded of how I can be useful, what contributions I make in the various aspects of my life, my work and my community. And sometimes the best way of being useful is merely being present for someone else and listening to their own struggles.

Affirmation

Being aware of the vision in the mirror that I perceive and what others would describe can help me to reflect on who I truly am. I am more than the sum of my failures.

April 7

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” Joseph Addison

It still amazes me how the simple things in life can bring so much meaning. Waking up with the sun shining brightly and the birds singing, smelling the air of a fresh, spring breeze, hearing the wind gentle rustle the leaves in the trees - these things bring me joy and happiness. This is a gift that awaits me each and every day. It was not that long ago that I was in a place where I could not recognize anything like that, where I was focused solely on the empty promises of my addiction. There were so many things I overlooked, or could not see or even believe were there for me to enjoy because of the narrow focus of my reality. How grateful I am that the horizons of my world have once again opened so that I can experience the vastness of the glories of the earth and all its splendours. There is so much beauty and wonder to see, hear, touch, taste and feel, so much more than I could have ever believed possible. This is one of the greatest blessings of my recovery, my second chance to exist in the marvels of this life.

Affirmation

Nature is a powerful healing force and I will seek out opportunities to immerse myself today.

July 17

”Sex is emotion in motion.” Mae West

I am starting to question what sex, or the act of making love, means to me and how it might differ from my partner’s views. There are some obvious answers her, that it’s a means to procreate, it’s an act of intimacy and that it is a physical/emotional/psychological release of energy. But going to a deeper, but maybe simpler view – What purpose does it have in my relationships? So why do I have sex? Part of the answer is that it’s pleasurable, both for me and my partner. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, as I assume my partner does as well. It is a part of intimacy, which for me is about bringing two people closer together. It is an act of vulnerability and a place where we can connect in a deep and personal way with each other, in many different senses. It is sometimes part of reconciliation after a disagreement or argument. And even occasionally a reward or present as part of a special occasion like an anniversary or holiday event. This still doesn’t answer the whole picture of what it does though. It can build trust and strengthen my relationship. It is yet another aspect of my partner where I can learn likes and dislikes, and share my own. It can be a place to heal wounds from the past. It can also be a place of creativity and wonder. When I am in a good place, sex can be a healthy component of my life. It will enhance my connection to my partner and be part of our quality time together. It nurtures the physical, spiritual and emotional portions of our lives.

Affirmation

Sex is an essential part of being a couple, and it is something to be cherished, respected and appreciated.

January 25

”Education is a matter of building bridges.” Anonymous

I have learned and continue to learn a great deal in recovery. The subject that I have learned the most about is probably me. In working my program, I have had to get know myself all over again. This is part of what I need to do to learn to be comfortable in my own skin again and to be able to trust and have faith in my abilities. The most crucial bridges I have been rebuilding are the one that connects my head to my heart, and the other that connects me to my Higher Power. Both of these were severely damaged by my addiction, less by direct attack than by simple neglect and lack of maintenance. My teachers have been my peers in the program, family, friends, and counsellors – in short, anyone I have been willing to listen to. There are certainly many other things I have had to learn as I deal with the consequences of my behaviour and the effects that it has had on all those connected to my life. Some of these have been more pleasant than others.  Dealing with loss, grief, and divorce are not places I really wanted to learn, but are things I have had to face. Dealing with my feelings, my ager, rejection, loneliness are also draining and unpleasant, but required in order to help me regain a sense of emotional balance.

Affirmation If I remain open and teachable, I know the lessons I learn, even though they may not be enjoyable, will help me to continue making progress in my journey of recovery.

November 7 (87)

”We are all travellers in the wilderness of the world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” Robert Louis Stevenson

It feels odd to have struggled for so long to find true friendship in the past, to have only felt like people were acquaintances with mostly superficial attachment. Yet I now have rooms full of friends who listen to whatever I need to say, who do not judge, who care and support me, who don’t try to rescue me, who tell me to it straight when I need and who, for lack of a better term, love me unconditionally. Who would have thought that my problems could have brought me so close to so many people in a positive way? My addiction has allowed me to connect with others in a way I never imagined was possible. The most curious thing is the open and honest sharing that takes place in my meetings is so contagious. The good will that is shown spreads innocuously through us all and I have seen it work miracles in transforming the attitudes and lives of others. There are so many ways that finding SAA has changed my life that it is hard to know where to begin. I truly do feel most days that I have been given a second chance and this time some rules and guidelines to live by that will help keep me on track. Coupled with a support group to guide me as well, how can I go wrong?

Affirmation Finding friends in recovery, brought close through the pain of my past, is one of the many wonders I can gain through the program.

May 29

”No eyes that have seen beauty ever lose their sight.” Jean Toomer

I have only recently stated realize just how my much my addiction dulled my senses to the world around me, at least for the things that did not feed my fantasies. It really is sad when I look back at everything I have missed out on or the experiences that have been barely half-lived. Being sober and reconnected to the world in a new and deeper way is bringing so much more meaning to my life than my addiction ever promised. I want to continue to drink in the joys of life. I have so many more things to be grateful for, and I make sure to let my Higher Power know. I am so lucky, like others who have found the power of the 12 Steps before me, to have been given a second chance. I know now that I will truly live the rest of my life rather than simply existing from moment to moment. The program is fast becoming the basic principle of how I want to live out the rest of my days. The steps apply to my own recovery, to how I treat others, how I perform at work and pretty much every aspect of my life. I will be in recovery today, and hopefully all the todays that remain to come my way, by the grace of the God of my understanding.

Affirmation By my new found faith in my Higher Power I have seen the error of my ways. With new eyes I will discover all the beauty the world has to offer.

April 26

”Try to see the beauty in your own backyard, to notice the miracles of everyday life.” Gloria Gaither

How often have you heard someone say, “If only there were more hours in the day?” It seems that the pace of our life has sped up, rather than slowed down, with all the new technology available to help us work better and smarter. It seems common in almost all disciplines that people are asked to do more work with fewer resources. It is no wonder that we have lost sight of what is right in front of our noses. It is hard to imagine life before computers, the internet and cellular phones.  But it is really not that long ago that we still had to live off the land; that we survived based on what we ourselves could grow and provide to ourselves and families. In some cultures, like the aboriginals of North America, this situation is really not that distant at all. Here are cultures with a rich tradition of their communion with nature, their connection to Mother Earth and all living creatures. In the hustle and bustle of modern life, I often wonder if mankind was not wiser in those simpler times, and more content. How often do we take the beauty of nature, sunrises and sunsets, gazing at the stars, being amazed by the splendour of a butterfly or a flower? Nature holds more jewels than we take the time to recognize.

Affirmation I will take a moment today to reconnect with Nature. Being grounded with the Earth is as important as one of its inhabitants and caretakers.

April 23

”Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” George Sand

One of the biggest changes I have seen in myself in my recovery is my renewed connection with those around me. In the midst of my active acting out I did not realize just how isolated and self-absorbed I had become. Today I am more cognisant of others that I interact with. I am acutely aware that I am not the centre of my world, and that in order to be healthy I need to have connections to other human beings. The way for me to get in touch with others is by giving of myself: by being kind and caring, empathetic and loving, respectful and compassionate. In doing selfless acts, small or large, I gain appreciation for being a member of society and the human race. As important as it is for me to focus on myself in recovery, I cannot ignore that I have to interact with others in my life. Part of my new path involves mending relationships that I have neglected, maintaining appropriate boundaries, respecting my own feelings and those of others, and seeking new and healthy relationships that support my journey of recovery.

Affirmation Today I will practice small acts of kindness to renew my connection to the world.