April 27

”The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good.” Brian Tracy

Life is full, I am so busy doing things these days I often wonder how I managed to keep up my addictive life. There are so many activities to fill my time, so much I want to experience, that I wonder why I thought putting all my effort into one stream of behaviour would make me happy. There is so much more potential in each day, each hour, and each moment that I am grateful I am no longer wasting them by feeding my addiction. It is wonderful to be connected to the world once again. To be part of the rhythm of nature, connected to the ebb and flow of the seasons, beginnings, endings and the transitions in between. To feel the surge of energy in the spring time, to rejoice in the return of the birds and their songs forgotten through the cold winter. To bask in the sun, feeling its warmth penetrating into my soul. To watch the leaves change to burnt yellow, fire orange and crimson red and fall to the ground as the trees prepare to sleep through the winter. To see the perfect snowflakes floating in the air, each unique like one of us, to build a snow man or fort, go skating or tobogganing, then warm myself around a fire with hot cocoa. Life is filled with thousands of small precious possibilities that I took for granted, tossed aside ungraciously as I slaved to fill the relentless desires of my addictive self. As I rediscover myself, fill my days with my outer circle behaviours and activities, the whole world is once again my playground. And I am like a kid again, just waiting for the next adventure.

Affirmation

Each moment is precious, a possibility for a small wonder to be experienced and cherished. May I accept each of these tiny gifts and make them a part of my recovery.

March 4

”Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” Charles Spurgeon

I cannot control what is going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know what events will take place, good, bad or indifferent. So therefore, worrying about what may or may not happen really does not serve any purpose. If there are things about tomorrow that I can do something about today, well that is something within my control. All that worrying about the future does is take away from today, spending my energy on speculation. It’s personal effort that I can put to better use taking care of matters before me, or in preparing for things I expect to happen tomorrow. But being anxious is only wasting time today. So, back again to the moral of the Serenity Prayer, to focus on the things I can change. That means living in the present moment, and leaving the past behind and the future before me. All this worry about what may happen is a form of procrastination that serves no real purpose, unless I am planning and making concrete actions to avoid risks and pitfalls.

Affirmation I will focus on the tasks before me, living in the moment and letting the past and future where they are.

July 13

”There is a past which is gone forever, but there is a future which is still our own.” F. W. Robertson

I think I am starting to understand the concept of not being able to go home again. After 4 months of living on my own, away from my spouse and my family, I know things will never be the way they were before, even if we reconcile. There is no changing the past. Yet I am not completely in despair. I hope that if things do work out, they will be better than before. I know I am no longer the same person I was since having admitted my problems and actively taking the steps to change. Living in recovery today I am aware that the pull of my addiction is not the promise of a bright and happy future, but the attempt to pull me back into the past. My addiction prefers to keep me in stasis, unchanging, isolated and stagnating in the fantasy world that does little to make my life productive. Recovery on the other hand is not so much about the future as it is about the present. Living for the future can be as destructive as dwelling on the past. The program is teaching me to live in and for the moment. This is where the action is, where my energy is best spent to make real changes. I may never go home again, but living in the now helps me to be content with myself, no matter where I may be.

Affirmation I will not dwell on the past nor worry about the future: the here and now is where I need to be focused.