July 29

”A mountain is composed of tiny grains of earth. The ocean is made up of tiny drops of water. Even so, life is but an endless series of little details, actions, speeches, and thoughts. And the consequences whether good or bad of even the least of them are far-reaching.” Swami Sivananda

There are some painful consequences to my years of acting out that I am only beginning to recognize. One of them which is fresh and hurtful has to deal with my sex life directly. I’ve only recently notices that my obsession has affected my brain’s ability to store memories related to sex, be the good, bad or indifferent. Thus I face a new challenge as I am in a good, healthy relationship with a loving and caring partner. It’s just now sinking in that my brain is short-circuited in storing the events of our sex life, even really the great moments. This is not something that is helpful in trying to build healthy sexual memories to counteract all the poor ones from the past. Instead, these new memories are treated the same as all the others, lumped into the same group and given little priority as something worth remembering. I find this a sad and discouraging after-effect of my former behaviours. So I am trying something new to teach my head to take note of the positive, extraordinary experiences. After the fact, I am taking a few minutes to consciously recall what has just taken place and how I am feeling to try and coerce my brain that this moment is worth remembering. It kinda sucks that that I have to take this extra effort to engrave these good memories, and that I have to admit that there are things that are broken. Just another consequence yet one I hope with time that it too can be improved.

Affirmation

There will be many challenges to face as I progress in my recovery, and I must be willing to stand up to each one to the best of my ability.

May 8

”Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” Cherie-Carter Scotts

Each day I am reminded of how much I still have to learn. Life is full of surprises and opportunities to increase my knowledge and awareness. I’m not sure that I agree that there are no mistakes, but there is certainly a chance to garnish some new nugget of insight from everything that happens in my day. It can be something small like appreciating time with one of my children, reflecting on how I acted in a specific instance, or gathering information before making a decision. Life is a series of endless possibilities, and I have a part to play in the path my life takes. Even though I am working to follow the will of my Higher Power, that endeavour takes effort and a directed purpose on my part to be realized. It will simply not happen as a series of random events. I do need to be a driver to keep going on the right course, making the right turns when needed, avoiding the pitfalls and obstacles along the way. While I know it is important to make good choices, I am less concerned with this than in the past. Instead, I put my confidence in the fact that I am prepared to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. This doesn’t mean that I act impulsively or with blind disregard, but I that I have faith that even if I don’t make the best decision that I will live through it. It’s all a part of living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

Live, decide, act, accept the consequences. I can make my life this simple today and handle whatever comes my way.

January 26

”Look far, and see the end from the beginning.” Chinese Proverb

Recovery has taught me the value of living in the present, of letting go of the past that I can no longer change or influence and shopping all my worrying about the future. What matters is where I am right here, right now and how I choose to live and be in this very moment. Another aspect of time and looking ahead certainly comes from those moments when I am triggered. Learning how to “play the tape to the end”, to realize where my initial thoughts and actions are destined to lead me, what the ultimate action and behaviours will be, who I will hurt in the process and how I will feel about the outcome and myself afterwards as I try to escape or avoid whatever problem I am facing has greatly helped reduce my desire to act out or feed my addiction in any way. Seeing the end when I have only let that first droplet fall into the pond provides me with insight to see the ripple effect and how it is likely to damage my serenity and produce other negative effects. Early prevention and intervention saves me for a lot of headaches further down the line if I continue along with my addictive patterns.

Affirmation I am grateful for my increased awareness that can help me to take a different direction earlier and earlier in those times when I find myself triggered.

November 17 (77)

”Shame may restrain what the law does not prohibit.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

One of the hardest things to deal with when I was in active addiction was how the consequences of my actions had no impact. I knew all the things I risked losing, the diseases I could have picked up, the damage I could have done to my relationships, my family and my reputation. None of it mattered when my compulsive behaviour took hold. All that mattered was getting my fill, no matter the cost. I really wish my shame had been strong enough to deter my actions. This is the problem with my disease – it takes over control of my ability to reason and consider the consequences of my choices. The desire to fulfill my sexual needs took precedence over everything else, even over my basic want for food, shelter and security. I am so thankful to be in recovery now and to be able to respect boundaries. I know that my addiction will work against me and take over if I give it the chance. This is why I need to be persistent and vigilant in working my program. The compulsive and unmanageable tendencies of my illness will remain part of my nature and will try to manifest in other ways. My best defense is a good offense in racking up recovery points by focusing on my outer circle behaviours and activities.

Affirmation I acknowledge that my addictive personality will be part of me, but I have the willpower to make other choices. I choose recovery today!

August 22

”When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” Mae West

Hmm, does that ever sound like my addict. I can all too readily recall how I would get caught acting out in specific ways by my spouse, promise never to do behaviour X again (and truly mean it), then pick up behaviour Y which was usually worse and had more dire consequences. And so went those downward spirals where everything was darker, where more was needed to get the desired effect, and more risk was taken. Recovery is about making choices too. But now I can usually recognize the “evil” choice and instead go for the “live” choice, the healthy way to act that supports my growth and maturity in the program. I can see that the choices of my addiction negatively impact my serenity whereas outer circle and program-related activities stimulate me in positive directions. Life still means taking risks. I have more awareness of where my decisions, good or bad, can lead me after everything I have learned from others in the program. I can no longer claim to be naïve and ignorant of the consequences of my actions. I am responsible now for my recovery.

Affirmation Choosing recovery means choosing to be accountable. It’s not about perfection but about accepting the consequences of my decisions.

August 6

”The wave is not separate from the ocean; oxygen in the water is not separate from the hydrogen; the waves is not separate from the particle; I am not separate from you. In fact nothing is separate from anything. We are one.” Lance Secretan

As much as my spouse and I are one, we are now more apart than ever. Seeing that separation as a permanent result looms ever closer, I am more and more aware of how far the divide between us has grown. I have tried in many ways to keep the bond close, communication open, but my spouse has chosen a different path and one I cannot follow and still maintain my sanity and sobriety. So my decision has to be to protect myself first and foremost so I can continue all my other responsibilities as a parent, friend, employee, etc. There are many people who will appreciate the recovering me. I will probably have some regrets, for a short while, about where our paths have led us, but in retrospect there is a lot to be thankful for as well. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair, and I know that hanging on will simply slow down or stall my own recovery. If I am not taking care of me I am of little use to anyone else. I will face the consequences of my actions, knowing that I have the support of my fellowship, my Higher Power and my family. My spouse will have to do likewise, but I cannot take on or solve their problems. I need to stay on my own path and, God willing, maybe somewhere down the line our paths will cross again when we are both healthy.

Affirmation I can face going it alone, because in reality, with God at my side and my brothers and sisters in SAA supporting me, I shall never be solitary again.

May 30

”Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” Jim Rohn

A course I took recently for my work brought up a couple of concepts that I am finding helpful lately in evaluating my actions. The course was focused on managing risk, and I can see a direct correlation in assisting me look at consequences. The two concepts are validation and verifications. The first is concerned about doing something right, the second is about doing the right thing. For myself in looking at things that I plan to do, bout these ideas have merit. It is as important to ensure that if I am going to act, that I will do so in a proper manner and with the appropriate intent. It is equally important for the “gut check” or verification from someone else – my sponsor, a fellow member, a therapist or other professional – to ensure that the action is a healthy choice and moves me in a positive direction. Being more aware that I can not only recognize that there are consequences, but evaluate the possible outcomes and motivations for my actions before I choose to act is certainly a more mature and wholesome way to approach life. The discipline of applying my new found skills increases my ability to make good decisions.

Affirmation I will look at my motivations and the possible consequences of my actions before I do something today. Reflection can save me from doing the wrong thing or something in the wrong way.

April 20

”The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials.” Chinese Proverb

It’s not easy facing some of the consequences of our addictive past. Whereas we used to hide from our problems and the realities of life by turning to our addiction, in recover we’re forced to meet things head-on. And I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not the most pleasant nor welcome prospect. However in recovery one of my mains goals is to deal with life on life’s terms. I need to accept the consequences of my actions, past and present. I have done a lot of damage and hurt many people through the things I have done and said, and through what I have neglected to say or do as well. I need to face each situation and potential confrontation with the attitude and belief that I am living as a better person and able to accept my responsibility. I have not been perfect in the past, nor do I expect to be in the future, but I am prepared to do my best to make things work in the present. It’s humbling to admit our faults, to own up to our mistakes and to be willing to correct our errors. Doing so with the knowledge of the support of our High Power builds us up.

Affirmation Today I will face the challenges of life with my Higher Power by my side. My best is good enough.

March 21

”And ever has it be known that love knows   not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Khalil Gibran

There are many consequences that we have to face as a result of our behaviour. If we are in a relationship there is a likely chance that we have strained our interaction, whether or not the entire truth of our secret has come into the open. Regardless, many are faced with the decision to separate from their partner, at least temporarily to take stock of the situation, focus on recovery and remove ourselves from some of the day-to-day stresses. This is a personal decision; some members have been able to remain in their relationship and work their own recovery while simultaneously improving the couple. Some have had a temporary separation to at least put some physical distance between them, while for others a permanent separation was the only option for at least one of the parties involved. These are unfortunate but real results of our past actions and behaviours. It is important to remember that we need to put our recovery first. If we do not remain sober, continually surrendering to our Higher Power, there is little hope in repairing the damage to any of our relationships.

Affirmation I must be willing to follow whatever path is best for my own recovery, even if it means separation. I need to trust in my Higher Power.