March 31

"In the struggle between the stone and water, in time, the water wins.” Japanese Proverb

I  have been known to be resistant to change. I have been like the stone, rooted in place, firm, and unmoving. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, these were my shell, my defense, my excuse to avoid change. Or, to even admit that there was a need for change in the first place.    That was then and this is now. The work I am doing in recovery, the path I am taking as I learn about and work the 12 Steps, continues to show me that I need to be open to change. I am spending time unlearning lessons from the past. I need to shed these old beliefs and habits so that I can make new for better, healthier ones.     I am less like the stone and now more fluid like the water. I see change happening around me and to me, and I am more accepting of it. I am learning to accept that life is not rigid, but ever-changing, and this is what is normal. I am no longer inclined to try to freeze things to satisfy the needs of my addiction.

Affirmation

Changes are a natural part of the world; today I shall work at being flexible like water and not rigid as stone.

December 28

”Just because fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.” Les Brown

Surrendering does not mean giving up. The Steps are teaching me that surrendering my will to that of the God of my understanding is about giving up on my ways which are not working and opening myself up to the guidance and direction of my Spiritual Source which knows better than me the path I should be taking. The only way for me to discover that road is to stop, to ask for direction through prayer or conscious contact with my Higher Power, and then listening through meditation and looking for the signs of the way to proceed. There is a heavy focus on accepting the hand that life has dealt me and looking to make the best of the situations that I find myself in. There is only so much I can do and only so much influence that I can exert at any given time. I have to trust in my abilities but also keeping in mind that I want to actively seek to do God’s will and not my own. If I am consciously seeking Him then I will go right more often than I go wrong. I will always be human, and I’m not always going to do things the right way, or let my ego get the better of me and be selfish from time to time. This is a process, a path of seeking progress and not perfection. The more I am consciously looking for the guidance of my Source the easier it becomes. And my life goes in a better, healthier direction as a result. I know my Higher Power never bluffs, so I will continue along faithfully following His way.

Affirmation

I have confidence that I can deal with whatever hand is dealt to me as long as I remember to seek the will of my Higher Power.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

March 3

”Life is a cup to be filled not drained.” Anonymous

Acceptance of the good things in life is not something that comes easy. After years of putting myself down, of telling myself that I was worth nothing, that nothing good was ever meant to happen to me, it’s challenging to receive happiness and prosperity into my world. Yet this is what I always wanted and what I felt I deserved. My poor self-esteem is a fundamental part of this process. I am gradually rebuilding, slowly coming to accept that my view of myself has to start within. So on those days when I like who I see in the mirror, when I am able to recognize and congratulate myself on my achievements, these are steps towards loving myself once again. I take heart in the fact that I am surrounding myself with others who care about me. It is a comfort to know that I can be loved as I am. Certainly, if others are willing to take that step, I have to be able to do likewise and be proud to be who I am, and accept gratitude and reward as something I deserve because I do deserve it. It’s time for me to focus on filling my cup.

Affirmation I am worthy of recognition, acceptance, friendship, respect and love. First and foremost from myself, and certainly as well from others.

February 18

”To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.” Theophile Gautier

Admiration, something I have sought, and something that I have also given. I do like the definition - that it is loving with the mind, an intellectual feat. Admiration is a form of judgement and comparison that places another person on a pedestal or scale against others. It can be genuine to a degree, but I would also suggest that it is love at a distance, and not in a close and personal sense. To consider the first part of the quote, that loving is to admire with the heart, this too strikes a chord in me. Admiration from my heart, from my centre of emotions, is to wish to connect with another. It is the feelings that are important in this case, and it is certainly a desire to be close and to have intimacy. There is implied warmth in the description that can only come from the proximity of the relationship. Comparing and contrasting love and admiration in this way gives me more insight into how I have treated love in the past, and how I need to change my perspective now. It is not about comparison, or judgement, or awe of another. Love is about respect, acceptance of another as they truly are, and the simple desire to be a part of where they are. It is not about needing to change to be acceptable at their level, nor about highlighting where I seem to be lacking. Love is indeed simple and pure in its more basic form.

Affirmation I am learning to recreate my definition of love which is more pure and less concerned with lust, admiration, judgement and vanity.

February 15

”The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is.” Oscar Wilde

Too much of my life has been spent looking for things outside myself to make me feel happy, complete and content. It’s taken a lot of personal progress to realize that while it’s nice to have things like money, a good job, friends, a life partner, etc. these are only temporary sources of happiness. And that even with all this in my life, I can still be discontent. True happiness comes from within. It’s the acceptance of being who I am, how I am. It’s being alright with everything, my strengths and weaknesses. It’s realizing that my past is what has brought me today, but that today is a gift and I have the freedom to live it how I choose. All this means that each day is an opportunity to be who I truly am, to live to my fullest potential, to devour all the joy and wonder of this world. I can choose to push past the negativity of life, to make the most of all that life has to offer. This is my power, and my responsibility to take my place in the world rather than letting others dictate what it should be. I owe this freedom to my Creator, who gave me everything I will ever needed when I was born into this world. Its time I start using all those talents to make a difference.

Affirmation I need not strive for perfection; I have everything I need within me. I simply need to make the choice to use my God-given talents, and lead the life I was meant to live.

January 18

”Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness.” Jean Vanier

My addiction became the largest part of my defense mechanism. I was the wall I built to protect me from my suffering, my defects and my weaknesses. The intentions were good in the beginning, when I was younger and didn’t know a better way. But because it became the primary method of dealing with most anything in life, I didn’t live fully. I spent my time hiding, pushing emotions inside and burying. There was no room to accept how life affected me. What was once a protective barrier had become an all-consuming entity that was destroying me. Recovery has a great deal to do with acceptance. I have to accept me as I am. That means accepting all that has happened to bring me to today. It also means that I need to take time to face all the things I put away in the closet and didn’t give myself permission to feel. It means becoming willing to let go of those aspects of myself that no longer serve their purpose. I am learning to accept my weaknesses, along with my strengths in equal measure. In getting to know myself once again, wholly, I open the path to growth and nurturing.

Affirmation There will come a time when I need to let go of things from my childhood which no longer work for me as an adult. I am willing to take this mature step forward.

June 6

”Never fear shadows…that always means there is a light shining somewhere.” Jonathon Santos

One of the many challenges of recovery has been learning to accept myself. This is an acceptance of not just the good parts of me, but the whole of me - my addiction, my bad choices, my regrets and loss, as well as all of the more positive things. It is the combination of those things that make up who I am today, that have faced life’s challenges and allowed me to be where I am, right in this present moment. Acceptance does not mean that I have to be willing to keep these things with me for the rest of my life however. My past I can do nothing about, but I have the choice to decide what things I wish to bring with me into the future. I have the ability to change. This is a powerful realization, that I have the capacity to  move from being “holesome”, from having my negative behaviours and attitudes predominate my life, to being wholesome. I can choose to not let the past define me, but rather motivate me to be different and focus on the better aspects, and begin leaving my old behaviours and character defects behind. I can choose not to focus on the shadows of yesterday but look towards the light shining on my face.

Affirmation In the darkness of my life, let me find the strength to continue to move towards the light of my Higher Power and recovery.

January 12

”When you take a risk and step out of the norm, you run the risk and sometimes you fail. But you only fail if you give up.” J. Peterman

I sometimes expect that life should be perfect now that I am in recovery, or at least that I should no longer make mistakes. This is rather ridiculous as a concept considering I don’t expect “normal” people who aren’t in a program like this to live up to that standard so why should I subject myself to it? I suppose I feel extra accountable as I should know better. Still I am only human and as such I am flawed. Changing my ways, which is a significant undertaking, means I am certain to make mistakes, to need time and help to get things right, to have make a few attempts and to persevere. Failure would be to give up and let my addict reign once more, but that is a path that only leads to certain self-destruction. It is hard learning to be gentle with myself and to always fully accept myself as I am, flaws and all. The important thing is to keep trying, learn from my mistakes and not repeat them, and to continue pushing forward. Progress and not perfection is always the aim to keep in my sights. By the grace of my Higher Power I have this opportunity to try again.

Affirmation God grant me the humility to acknowledge and accept my mistakes as I move forward on this new path of recovery.

December 30

”The hills are full of marble before the world blooms with statues.” Phillips Brooks

I am coming to realize in my recovery that my Higher Power gave me all the tools I needed to succeed in this life at birth. I came with all the essential parts; it is just that I forget where to look for the instruction on how to use it well. Regaining my spiritual connection through working my program, going to church and reading the Bible are all pieces for me that are refreshing the guiding principles of how I am supposed to live my life. In particular the 12 Steps have been the path back to the God of my understanding and the gradual acceptance of His will over mine. Living by surrendering and by giving service are two of the major changes I am work through in my recovery at present, and they also have equally great rewards. I am at the same time being selfish in my recovery but selfless in society as I am share what I have for others – my time, energy and talents. In the end, I am allowing my Higher Power to chip away at all the bits of marble that are not in His image of me. By seeking to give up my character defects, opening myself humbly in making amends, and serving others I am being shaped in to the person I was meant to be.

Affirmation Today, help me be a vessel of your peace. Let my words, thoughts and deeds reflect your wisdom and grace.

December 26

”A thankful person can find contentment anywhere.” Anonymous

Some days are certainly easier than others to find reasons to be happy. The holidays, especially Christmas, have always been a time to celebrate with friends and family. As I pass through this period, apart from any family of my own, at least any who are physically close for me to spend time with, trying to keep the spirit of the season in my heart has been an extra challenge. Although I am blessed to have friends who have opened their doors and welcomed me into their homes, part of me knows that it is a poor substitute for the family I once had. Given this is supposed to be a happy and joyous time makes it hard when a large part of me only wants to grieve and be sad. Yet I am trying to let go of what I cannot change right now, hoping and praying that my children are having a good time, trying to make the best of what I have available and to appreciate the people who love and care for me. I know God is by my side, likely carrying me in His hands today as I am not able to stand on my own for my cross is too heavy to bear. I do have a late Christmas to look forward to with at least part of my family. I have had the opportunity to focus on the true meaning of Christmas for me, the birth of Christ, while trying to avoid dwelling on what used to be. I have things to be grateful for, even if this is not the way I wanted things to turn out.

Affirmation It may be hard for me today to find reasons to put a smile on my face, but I am still here and have those who can sustain me even when I cannot be with them.

November 4 (90)

”It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.” Eleanor Roosevelt

During a sharing session I had a spark of insight that linked a few behavioural patterns together that I had not realized previously. When I get into a period of stinkin’ thinkin’, part of my middle circle behaviours, I tend to isolate, usually from those closest to me – friends, family and members of the program alike. I used to think that it was primarily to give myself the extra space to keep feeding my addiction. I also discovered that in a twisted way, as my addictive thinking can be, it is also a way to try and protect those I care about. Pushing away or retreating into my shell keeps people away from me when I am in a bad place and when I am more likely to do something to harm others. Guess I should include harming myself in there too, I know better now. The opposite is the truth though, that by isolating I am removing myself from the people who are most likely my best advocates for my recovery and who support me in continuing to do the right things. This is still a challenge, to realize that I need not face everything on my own. That I can ask for help and it’s alright. That I deserve to live better. That I will face difficulties that make me want to run away. God give me the courage to accept those people in my life who support me.

Affirmation If I am willing to go out on a limb for another member in need, I need to remember that it is okay for someone to reach out to me.

October 16

”What a new face courage puts on everything.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage can change my outlook on life. I continue to face many trials as I move forward in recovery and I am not always brave enough to face up to them right away. I find myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, asking my Higher Power for the courage to continue advancing along the path of recovery and doing his will. Sometimes courage comes directly from within, often it comes from others around me, friends or members in the program who support and encourage me. I need courage as well for the things that are going well in my life. I still have a difficult time accepting the good things. I need to be ok with having positive events occur and not feel a need to sabotage them. M old thoughts of feeling like I am not worthy or deserving still creep into my head from time to time. Courage here is a lead-in to my renewed faith that the God of my understanding has my best interests at heart. People, places and things will continue to come and go. Some will help challenge me to grow, some will support and others will try to disrupt and destroy. All that I have overcome so far in my brief time in recovery is proof that I can move through life without reliance on my addiction as a power greater than myself.

Affirmation My Higher Power promises to lead me to sanity if I but trust and ask. The courage to do this will help me confront all situations.