May 1

”Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for when you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let that steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Suffering serves a purpose. I have witnessed this in my own recovery, and in that of others. Sometimes we need to face situations of pain and hurt in order to move forward. I have needed to be broken and stripped of my old ways in order to be ready to be rebuilt anew. It is only by shedding my old skin that I can be given a new and different one. I must be willing to let go of the shackles that bind me to the past. Change is a painful process. It is part of the cycle of grieving. I have to say goodbye to something, experience the loss, then grow to embrace the new change and accept it into my life. I need to deal with my feelings through this period of loss, rejection, anger, frustration, acceptance and contentment. It requires faith on my part that something better is awaiting me on the other side. Based on my own experience and beliefs, my Higher Power only wants what is good for me. Therefore anything that needs to be taken away will be replaced with something better. This fact doesn’t always console me or dissolve my initial reluctance to changes, but I am becoming more accepting of new and different things and trusting in my Higher Power to let go of older ones.

Affirmation

The trials I face today are part of the change process to mold me into a better person, and there are good things awaiting me at the end.

November 13 (81)

”A man knows he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live.” Thomas Merton

Starting from “go” after having been sent there like in a game of Monopoly, fortunately having bypassed jail or other serious consequences, left me staring at a blank sheet of paper. Who am I? What am I? What are my values? Morals? Ethics? What is my purpose? All I seemed to start off with was a multitude of questions for which I had no answers and no obvious starting point. Having lived most of my years with my secret life running along in tandem left me questioning everything that had happened, every choice, every motivation, and every act. I had no idea what was real, what was fantasy or anything in between. Slowly the deluge of water through the flood gates calmed to a thunderous roar and I was able to at least grab onto small branches of truth as I was carried along through the surging waters. I discovered pieces of the real me amongst the flotsam and jetsam of my sordid past. Uncovering those true and core parts of myself is providing me with the building blocks to gradually construct a new life, one piece at a time, by the grace of God.

Affirmation I know there is a true person with me, waiting to be resurrected and given a new lease on life.