August 15

”Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” Eliza Tabor

I’m not sure how noble my soul is, but I can certainly accept that my intentions in recovery are indeed noble. The process of wanting to better myself, to leave my poor habits and behaviours behind while replacing them with more mature and positive ones is certainly a noble endeavour. Disappointment, failure and even loss can be used to fuel change. They can be the starting point to temper my resolve, to strengthen my courage, and to intensify my commitment. While they do not destroy, if I feed them instead with worry, doubt and fear, they will cover up my feelings, dragging me down the path of despair and desolation. Herein lies my dilemma, to choose the path that will nurture me and help me grow, or to follow the other which will stunt and retard my progress. The latter path is well known to me, the way is smooth and free of obstacles. The nurturing path is barely cut and full of thistles and thorns, deadfall that blocks the path, mud and other challenges. Yet it is in the struggle that I rediscover myself, that I put my new tools and ability to use and begin to build new roots. Setback is something I expect, I am learning to do things a new way and I accept that I will make mistakes. The goal is to continue trying and moving away from my old ways of behaving. This is part of the adventure of my new life.

Affirmation

My perception of failure, disappointment and setbacks can change to be a positive thing, a source of inspiration to continue down my new path.

February 16

”Failing doesn't make you a failure. Giving up, accepting your failure, refusing to try again does!” Richard Exely

I’ve failed lots. I have failed in small ways, in medium ways, in large ways, and even in spectacular ways. Some failures were good failures, because they happened when I was working towards good goals. Many were not so righteous because of the end I sought. Worst of all though, are the times I succeeded in doing things that I should never even have attempted. Those are times that can haunt me, those five, ten or fifteen minute decisions that I can never take back. Still, I am coming to terms with the idea that I am not a failure simply because I am imperfect and make mistakes. I do believe in the core of this quotation, that it’s only when I accept defeat that I have truly failed, when the goal is a healthy pursuit of course. Perseverance is required; I need to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, lick my wounds, and carry on with what I have learned in the attempt. My life was empty and without any real direction when I lived either for my addiction, or to fulfill the will of others. It’s only when I am working towards goals that serve the purpose of my Higher Power that I actually get fulfillment. These are the things in life that matter, that give meaning to my existence, and will bring me joy and true satisfaction.

Affirmation I can accept failure as part of the process of growing and changing. I will not give up on my core goals and beliefs, and trust that the process to get to the end is part of the experience.

December 9

”Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill

Some days I certainly feel more like a failure than others. There are many things from my past that I am not proud of, poor choices I made, or things I have done that were not very good. My past can serve me in a couple ways. First, it is a reminder now of how I used to be, and motivation to continue along my path of recovery as I no longer wish to be the person I was. My failures are also a way for me to connect with others who suffer like I used to. It’s a show of empathy for the pain and darkness that they have lived through that only another addict truly understands. I used to move from mistake to mistake falling further into a pit of despair, fully under the power of my addiction. In recovery I know that my mistakes are a part of the journey and places for me to learn and seek improvement. I can keep my enthusiasm to follow the new path because I know my Higher Power is with me every step of the way.

Affirmation Failures, like success, are just parts of life. There is something to learn from everything, and I can make it through it all with the help of my Higher Power.

September 3

”You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.” Beverly Sills

Most people don’t like failure. The addict in me is scared to death of failure. It’s one of my biggest reasons to want to run away from the possibility and pain of making a mistake, of looking like a fool, of not living up to everyone else’s standards. So there are times in my life where I have regrets because I chose not to act, not to face the potential of falling flat on my face. There is also a lot of shame from the times where I did try and failed, and then refused to try again. My life is not meant to be lived for others; my success is not determined by what others think of me or how they perceive me. I know today that my worth is determined by how well I seek to do the will of my Higher Power. I am not in competition with anyone. I am far from perfect. I am permitted to make mistakes. In fact, I think I would even say I am encouraged to make mistakes. It is how I am learning to do things differently. Giving up is rarely an option. I no longer seek to bury my head in the sand. Living means participating, trying new things, and sometimes falling flat on my face. Through my Higher Power I have the courage to get back on my feet and give it another go.

Affirmation Disappointment is more about how others perceive me that about who I am. There is no shame in trying and not succeeding, as long as I continue to try again.

October 26 (99)

”Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” Sir Winston Churchill

SAA has given me faith and hope that there is a better way ahead. It also gives me encouragement that all my failures can amount to something positive and have a healthy influence in my life. The sharing of other’s struggles, and their overcoming of seemingly incredible odds, helps me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Failure has always been a challenging topic, and often a trigger for my addict. It’s taken a lot of reprogramming to start seeing the positive side of failure. I know much better that I need not be afraid to fail. It means I am open to changing, taking risks, stepping out of the routine. The importance is to keep trying, to find the way things have worked well and to look at how to improve the weak spots. Life is about trying to do the right thing, making the tough choices, risking making mistakes and having faith in something greater than you, a master design. It’s about not losing myself along the journey, but a about finding myself.

Affirmation I must be willing to risk failure in order to make those choices that will lead me on the path to a better life.

July 6

”I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.” Douglas Adams

Separating from my spouse, even the idea of separating, used to scare me. Just the prospect of having to move out, potentially only for a short time, having to tell our kids, change addresses, etc. seemed to be an admittance that I had failed. That I was a failure as a spouse, a parent, a child of God…and that I would have to publicly acknowledge this to at least some degree was terrifying. I’ve been on my own now for a few months, but it took quite a number of months, talks with counsellors, fellow brothers and sisters in SAA, and even my Higher Power to come to the realization that I needed the separation just as much as my partner to gain some perspective as well as the opportunity to focus more on my own recovery. I know too well at this point that I am reliable to no one else if I am not taking care of me first – mind, body and spirit. Life on my own has presented its own challenges. Having to be responsible primarily only for myself, trying to parent at a distance, having to deal with neighbours in adjacent apartments….all these and more add to the complexity of life. But at the same time I am learning how to apply the Steps and my tools of recovery in many other real world situations. And I am ok with where my path has led me.

Affirmation Sometimes the difficult choice is the right choice. It may not lead me where I expected, but I will have faith in the guidance of my Higher Power.

June 15

”Failure is the path of least persistence.” Anonymous

My recovery is not going to come for free. As much effort as I put into my addiction will be required to correct my behaviour and work my program. The 12 Steps are teaching me a new set of principles so that I will live my life in a more balanced fashion. The road forward will not be easy, has not been so far, but persistence and progress will get me there. The other thing I am accepting is that having used my addiction to cope with life was not entirely a failure. It was the best mechanism I knew at the time to get by. It does not excuse the way I treated others, or myself, but my addiction did serve a purpose in getting me to today. Now that I am more aware of better ways to cope though, I am accountable to myself and my Higher Power to live a different life. Living One Day at a Time in recovery has given me the freedom to leave yesterday behind me and allows me not to worry about what tomorrow will bring. Focusing on the here and now helps make it easier to have the strength, courage and patience to go through each 24-hour period. I know I can lean on the support of the God of my understanding as well as my fellow members.

Affirmation I will remain focused on today and what I need to do to face the hours before me while staying in recovery.

June 5

”The important thing is to learn every time you lose.” John McEnroe

It seems to me that modern society has become focused on “not losing.” I see it mostly in how my children are treated at school and in sports. Nobody fails, we no longer keep score, and everybody is a “winner” for having participated. I’m not convinced this is the best way. Winning can be a motivator, but more importantly I think there is value in losing. If it is handled properly it is a way to evaluate performance, find areas to work and improve and is motivation to do better next time. While we struggle to keep things fair for everyone, it is not truly reality. Some people are just naturally better than others or have the drive to succeed – in sports, in school, in music or whatever the individual’s talents or goals may be. In trying to even out the playing field I am not sure that everyone, if anyone, really benefits. In my own life I certainly am learning to value losing, or simply failing. Not getting the results I want gives me a chance to do a few things. First, it can be a reality check to see if the avenue I have been pursuing is really where I want to go. It also provides the opportunity to look back at my strengths and weaknesses to determine what I can do better next time. Losing doesn’t have to be as negative as society wants us to believe.

Affirmation I will look for the lessons I can learn from my losses today; reflection and evaluation can help me find a better way ahead.

April 21

”Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” George E. Woodberry

At the height of my addiction, in the darkest period of my acting out, I did indeed feel defeated. Large parts of me were ready to throw in the towel as the only way out seemed to be to delve deeper into the depths of my despair. Today, while I do not yet relish failures, I can more readily accept them as honest efforts in trying new things and in taking chances to cope in more normal ways. And even when things do not go away, I am usually able, sometimes with help, to see the positive in the attempt and maintain a sense of hope. SAA may be based on a spiritual foundation, but what I appreciate the most is how it has renewed my sense of hope that I can live a normal life by working the program to manage my addiction, One Day at a Time. I need no more assurance than that, handling today is a good enough promise for me. With each passing day I feel further from the brink of the pit of despair from whence I came. My days are not always pointed in the right direction, but most are and each one is taking me along my path to recovery.

Affirmation It will be alright for me to fail at something today; I can look at the positive and be encouraged that I am making progress.

April 18

”Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.” Charlie Chaplin

As much as I agree with Mr. Chaplin’s idea that courage is required to make a fool of yourself, I am not as convinced that failure is unimportant. On the contrary I think failure is a necessity, it’s the driving force for change. In failing we learn what didn’t work right in order to be able to make adjustments, try something new, and hopefully succeed on the next attempt. I can see in a sense that failure is unimportant such that it should never cause discouragement. Failure is the result of trying, and trying to do something means progress and often taking a risk. I believe that I grow more from the lessons where I had to fail several times than from those where I got the hang of it right away. My recovery certainly has a lot of failure associated with it, not only from the months and years of my active addiction, but also from my attempts to recreate myself as I begin to heal. Learning new tools and ways to cope with the stress and emotional reactions of a “normal” life is brand new. I am aware I am not going to always get it right. But I am willing to keep trying.

Affirmation Today I will rejoice i n my failures, count them as my blessings, and look to learn from the error of my ways.