July 31

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

My attitude can be the defining factor between a disagreement and an argument. A lot depends on the position I take, how willing I am to be listen and receive someone else’s viewpoint. These are all things within my control, and sometimes that simply reminder of the Serenity Prayer can give me the precious moments to pause in a situation and prevent me from making things worse. That’s not always the case. There are still times when I am caught off guard, where I am vulnerable because I am tired or not in the best mood to begin with, or I simply don’t have the right attitude to be loving. This brings me to an interesting point. There are moments when I need to choose to love, where my actions have to lead my heart. It’s not something that always comes naturally, not the first instinctive reaction to a situation. Yet loving another person is always a choice available for me to make. My parents don’t tell me advice to harm me, but because they love me and still want to protect me, even as an adult. My kids don’t disobey to hurt me, but because sometimes they just don’t think about the consequences. My partner doesn’t nag or criticize to belittle me, but because she cares and only wants me to be at my best. I need to remember that others are usually acting out of love towards me to, and often all I need to do is receive their offering. This is an adjustment to my own attitude that I can practice today.

Affirmation

Conflicts may arise today, but I will practice patience and understanding to see where the other person is coming from  and look to respond with love.

February 18

”To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.” Theophile Gautier

Admiration, something I have sought, and something that I have also given. I do like the definition - that it is loving with the mind, an intellectual feat. Admiration is a form of judgement and comparison that places another person on a pedestal or scale against others. It can be genuine to a degree, but I would also suggest that it is love at a distance, and not in a close and personal sense. To consider the first part of the quote, that loving is to admire with the heart, this too strikes a chord in me. Admiration from my heart, from my centre of emotions, is to wish to connect with another. It is the feelings that are important in this case, and it is certainly a desire to be close and to have intimacy. There is implied warmth in the description that can only come from the proximity of the relationship. Comparing and contrasting love and admiration in this way gives me more insight into how I have treated love in the past, and how I need to change my perspective now. It is not about comparison, or judgement, or awe of another. Love is about respect, acceptance of another as they truly are, and the simple desire to be a part of where they are. It is not about needing to change to be acceptable at their level, nor about highlighting where I seem to be lacking. Love is indeed simple and pure in its more basic form.

Affirmation I am learning to recreate my definition of love which is more pure and less concerned with lust, admiration, judgement and vanity.

February 6

”Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes I wonder why it seems that the people whom I love the most are also the ones who seem most able to drive me crazy. It strikes me that this does not compute logically. Yet, from an emotional view for certain, it does tend to be the case. The people I let closest to me, to my heart, to my desires, to my weaknesses and fears, also gain an ability to frankly, bug the heck out of me at times. There’s a lesson here for me though. The fact that this closeness creates conflict is often more a reflection of something in myself that is bothered, than what is being said or done by the other person. In letting my guard down, I open myself to let my defects of character spring forth. I need to be willing to recognize this and then look to work at turning them over to my Higher Power. Love is indeed humble. True love seeks to offer compassion, caring, nurturing. It is about giving and sharing. It is selfless, free, and without boundary. It has the power to bring out the best, and sometimes worst, in me, but this is only to help me become more aware and to allow me to continue to grow.

Affirmation I will learn to cherish my close relationships that will shed a light on my defects. This is another catalyst and opportunity for change.

January 27

”Love's gift cannot be given, it waits to be accepted.” Rabindranath Tagore

Love is a challenging subject. Falling in love after separation was not something I planned or expected to happen as soon as it did. Even though I have spent a good deal reading about true love, it’s another thing trying to put it into practice. This has been further complicated by the simple fact that I have spent to many years deny any and all emotions, good or bad. So learning how to show my feelings of any sort is not something that comes naturally. I have had to play some serious catch-up with my emotional maturity. And like learning anything, I am making mistakes along the way. I do believe that I have found a loving relationship with a wonderful woman. Someone whom I am fully aware of, and that I accept as she is. In turn, I am confident that she feels the same about me. We are honest, genuine and authentic with ourselves and with each other. This vulnerability is at the same time exhilarating and frightening. There is room for great hope and joy, but also the risk of a deep hurt. I pray that it is God’s will that we stay together for many years of good times, and few struggles.

Affirmation In surrendering myself to the will of my power greater than myself, I open myself to the possibility of receiving many precious gifts.

January 13

”Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

There are quite a few versions of the bible, and in some this passage talks of love, hope and charity, rather than love. I find it interesting that the words charity and love can be equated, but I think it makes sense. Charity is about giving to others, about having something to share without the expectation of what will be received in return. I believe that to be the true sense of love as well, that it is also about what we have to share with others without expectation. In recovery, this same idea applies to service. For me, service is about giving back to the program which has saved my life. It is about keeping my group and fellowship healthy and vibrant, about sharing my experience, strength and hope with others to help them in their own journey. It is about giving simply because I have the capacity, and not because I expect any kind of reward in return. So love, charity and service all fall into a similar category. They are meant to be unconditional acts performed simply because one is able. They are about giving and not receiving. When I look at them together in this light, it is another way for me to help distinguish sex from love, something I have struggled with for many years. I am grateful for this new awareness and connection.

Affirmation It is true it is in giving that we receive, but that should not be the reason that I decide to give of myself. I share because I can, not because of any reward.

December 17

”Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

Love is a part of my life that I have only begun to understand correctly in my recent recovery. It is not about seeking, about getting what I want, or about having things I deserve. Rather, love is about sharing, about spreading the joy I have inside with others, about wanting to put someone else before me. I love not to be loved in return, but simply because I am filled with it and I need to pass it along. I now have people in my life who love me deeply, some who always have but I never recognized it, like my parents, and others who are a more recent addition. Nonetheless, knowing that others care strongly for me gives me strength to want to continue in this new life, to keep on progressing in becoming a better person. I am also learning how to love deeply, to be fully committed to other people, to be truly intimate and to be part of a partnership. Relationships may be based on give and take, yet I can half participate, only giving when I know that I will get something in return. Nowadays, I give simply because I am able, and I am less expectant of what might come back as a result. I have more courage to face the world because of the depth of my love of others.

Affirmation May God grant me all the love I need today to share with others, to spread joy and happiness, and to propel me along my path of recovery.

January 24

”They do not love who do not show their love.” William Shakespeare

It has been a hard transition falling out of love with my former spouse, and even more difficult in trying to deal with the fact that I am no longer loved by them but even worse not even respected. This has made it difficult to face the prospect and procedure of divorce, to act jointly as parents, and a number of other things. I need to seek information from third parties as I cannot get it directly from the other parent who has a responsibility to keep me informed. Yet through all this I have faced up to the struggles and continue to let go of what is not mine. I still act out of respect, still keep my former mate informed of the things they should know, and still continue to act as I want to be treated. For all those things that I want to say because I feel hurt, disrespected, angry or rejected, well those I share with fellow members or put in a special journal to my ex that if spoken I know would simple fall on deaf ears. I still have love to share so I focus on giving it to those more willing and receptive to it. Perhaps in time things will improve, but for now this is how things are and I accept the reality of my situation.

Affirmation I accept that my recovery only promises to restore me to sanity, and not those around me. I will continue to surrender what I cannot control to God.

December 8 (56)

”Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” Washington Irving

I still haven’t figured out how to deal with the people and relationships where love was taken for granted, abused and lost. I have a few places where I want to make amends, were I am willing, open and proactively seeking ways to try and rebuild, but I am knocking at doors where no one answers. It is frustrating, trying of my patience, and impossible to understand how some things can turn sour so quickly. Or maybe this is only my perception whereas the other party feels things have been poor for a long time already. Just because I want a second chance does not oblige anyone to give it to me. The challenge is to keep those doors open while finding other places where the sharing of me is welcome. I can establish other relationships with people who are willing to accept me where I am today. The love, joy and compassion I have to share still remains within me and it benefits me to give of myself, even if there are others who I would prefer as the recipients. I can still love those who are not willing or ready to accept or return what I have to offer. Unconditional love means not expecting anything to come back in return. I give simply because I can, because I believe I have something worth sharing. I can no more control how someone accepts it that I can change the wind.

Affirmation My willingness to make amends and change may have to be enough. I will trust in my Higher Power’s guidance to know which relationships to mend and when.

October 19

”Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower.” Shigenori Kameoka

As much as I have reason to be upset, to hold a grudge, or to seek revenge as I move forward in my new life, these acts are no longer congruent with how I want to live. There are people from my past and present, who dislike me or worse, and it has been a difficult transition but these are now the people whom I pray for most. Not so that they will treat me better, but so that they find their own path of healing and recovery. I have found the seed at the bottom of my heart, and it is love. It is an imperfect, human love, but it is still my direct connection to God’s love. I seek only to do what is right by His will and his guidance. For my Higher Power will not only lead me, but as I believe He alone will also judge me. I am open to feedback and criticism and I am working hard at only accepting the parts which are the truth and letting the harsh words, insults and hateful emotions go. Retaliation serves no purpose; I will not change other’s views or attitudes by acting as they do, if indeed I have any influence at all. I remain steadfast to my morals and values because it is the right thing to do.

Affirmation If I remember to think, speak, and act from the basis of love, I will make the right choices today.

September 25

”You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my biggest challenges as I move through separation from my spouse, as our relationship has gone from being friends to enemies, at least for now, is to continue to show respect. Doing kind acts, at least for the sake of my kids when I know full well the same gesture would not be given in return, is very trying. Keeping my spouse informed about events at school, or health or other concerns with our kids during their time with me is how I would like, and even expect, to be treated, even if I am not. I do not do this for the sake of my spouse. It is mostly for the benefit of the kids, they should not be the ones to have to inform my former partner. At a more basic level, it is simply the right thing to do. As the Bible tells me, I am should love my enemies. This is a true test of love and kindness, to act with the foreknowledge that your gesture is likely to be rejected, yet still do it. I may never repair that relationship to a point where we can be civilized with each other. I don’t know what my Higher Power’s will is in that regard yet. However I need to continue living with my principles intact, and treating others with respect, even the other parent who may hate me right now, is certainly one of them.

Affirmation I will continue to treat others as I would like to be treated. I can hold my head up for living by my values and morals.

March 5

”Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It’s what you do for others.” Danny Thomas

Some of the changes I have seen in myself since I have been in recovery seem so simple that in retrospect I cannot fathom how it took me over 25 years to recognize the error of my ways. I think one of the most remarkable differences is how I no longer feel like the centre of the universe. It must be like people who used to believe the Earth was the centre of everything until people like Galileo came around and literally rocked their world. Today life is not all about me, and truthfully, it’s much better that way. Another place where I am noticing a change is in my view of love. A pretty touchy subject for most sex addicts, myself included. But I am beginning to realize that love is not about receiving, but about being in the position to give love, to share it with others, without the expectation of anything in return. The simple desire to express the love that I feel within me. What a strange new feeling, instead of grabbing onto any attention that comes my way, I now seek to share things I have discovered within me.

Affirmation Today I can live my new life, be my new self, and share my goodness with others.