November 26

”The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment.” Bertrand Russell

My addiction wants instant gratification, the instant fix, that immediate high. It is not inclined to wait for the right, safe or perfect moment. This is the compulsive aspect, the irrational I need things my way NOW attitude that drove me into strange patterns of behaviour to fulfill that urgent desire. It can be a little unnerving looking back at just how crazy I used to act, and not realize how insane it all was. Part of my recovery has been exercising the ability to put things off, to feel that craving and to deny it, even for a short period. My ability to become aware of things that trigger that insatiable hunger has also introduce moments where I can find a distraction, say the Serenity Prayer, turn my mind to something from my program, or anything else to let the power of that call diminish even just a little. As someone in the program likes to say, it’s not so much a problem of willpower as it is a problem of won’t power – saying no to my addiction is not easy. I am learning that the things which are truly worth my time and effort in life are also things which are worth waiting for. Those parts of the world that bring me lasting joy, my fulfilling relationships, my great achievements – these require patience, waiting for the right moment, and doing things in the right, and often slow, manner that is needed to reach the goal. But this is a much healthier way to live than jumping from one temporary gratification to the next.

Affirmation

May I find the courage to recognize when I am triggered and the strength to delay acting upon it today.

July 24

”All glory comes from daring to begin.” Eugene F. Ware

Sometimes my glory in recovery comes from daring to begin, to take a new step, to use a tool, or to reach out. Other times my success comes by daring to wait and postpone, to acknowledge a trigger or the pull of my addiction and hold off taking any action that would lead me toward my middle or inner circle. It still amazes me that I have gained this ability, the simplistic capacity to put aside my obsession for 5 minutes or a few hours. I still recall all too well the years where I scarcely thought of anything but sex. It’s no small wonder the guidance of the program is laid out for us in steps. I couldn’t have seen tackling my issues any other way than one step at a time. It has felt less daunting and more achievable knowing that there is a method of concrete pieces that can lead me to serenity. My life used to be focused on instant gratification. Sex was the predominant subject, but through introspection I know that many other aspects of my life sought to have m needs filled right now, the way I wanted it done. Recovery is about delaying satisfaction, about focusing on others, and certainly about learning to put the will of my Higher Power before my own ambitions. All this and more has come from my daring to say for the first time, Hi my name is Scott, and I am a sex addict.

Affirmation In many small ways my recovery will show me new ways to live, new ways to handle life events, and different avenues to act and feel.