April 25

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

I tend to be an organized person, I like to have a plan, to know where I am going and what I intend to do. I am often disrupted by changes, avoid spontaneity, and dislike surprises. I was certainly more rigid in these respects before discovering the 12 Steps. These qualities have their usefulness, but as I have learned in retrospect, can also become obstacles. Trying to plan everything is akin to trying to control everything. My recovery has certainly enlightened me in the fact that I do not, and cannot, control most things. Which leads to the second half of the quote, letting go and see what happens. I'll admit that this often feels foreign to me. But I know that it is also putting my faith into action - my faith in the process of my program of recovery, faith in the will of my Higher Power, trust in the people around me who support me. As the saying goes, faith without works means nothing. I am learning to trust that my faith is sufficient, that the God of my understanding is more than enough to lean on to make it through whatever comes my way.

Affirmation

I will exercise my faith today by letting go, and trusting in the plan of my Higher Power for me.

April 13

"Only those you trust can betray you.” Terry Goodkind

Trust is a fickle thing, it usually takes a long time to gain with an individual, but it can be lost very quickly, and sometimes through just a careless word or act. And rebuilding trust afterwards can feel like a Herculean task. I've experienced a loss of trust, both as being the one betrayed, but also as the betrayer. Neither of which are an enjoyable or enviable experience. The key to gaining trust and rebuilding it from my own history is simply honesty. The truth is required to build a trusting relationship, and it is also what is required to start over when it has been broken. It helps to remember that we are human, and that we make mistakes. The gist of the program is about learning to live with life on life's terms, without turning to my compulsive and obsessive behaviours to avoid, escape or otherwise cope. Tough times and bad things will still happen, but there are things I have learned to get me through them with the support of others.

Affirmation

I know honesty is the best policy and it is the basic requirement for trust in all my relationships.

October 22

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Step 3 is about turning our will and our life over the care of the God of our understanding. This is a deliberate act to relinquish control in my life, not to become a puppet, but to be lead because left to my own devices I tend to go astray. It is about faith and hope in a being/entity/source greater than me that frankly has a better understanding of life, the universe and everything. It’s also a sign of trust that my Higher Power, given the chance, will lead me down a better, brighter and more prosperous path. An acronym I quite like for God is Good Orderly Direction. That is what my prayer and meditation tend to focus on, asking for advice, direction, and aide in following God’s will. The complementary component to my prayer is to give thanks, to take the time to show gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have in life, all the ways that my Higher Power is taking care of me. I have had many false “gods” in my life, my addiction the most obvious, but I have become obsessed with others like recognition, fame, and fortune in periods of my life as well. Worshipping things of this world only mires me deeper in the problems of my earthly life. Experience is showing me that worshipping my spiritual source is not only taking away many of my worldly concerns, it is giving me freedom, joy and contentment that I never believed I could enjoy.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power, for His will and intention are good and just. In giving Him praise, I acknowledge all that He has done for me.

May 29

”Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have no idea what my Higher Power looks like. It would be quite a chore to try and describe it to someone else. Simply, it’s a power greater than me. It is a being or a force that governs the universe and that has infinite knowledge and power. Yet, however I define it, this is not the most important factor. The critical element is that I believe in this supernatural entity, that I have the faith in all the qualities and characteristics that I believe it encompasses. You can believe in Mother Nature, Buddha, science and technology, God (as you understand Him), love or even a pink and blue polka-dotted dragon named Sven if you wish. It doesn’t matter to me. As long as this is your Source of faith and trust that there is a greater order to life, that something else can hear your prayers and offer guidance, this to me defines a Higher Power that works. Some days it can be hard not to wish that I could pick up the phone and go for a coffee with my Higher Power. It would be nice to have concrete proof of His existence. But the times I feel like this are rare. I have seen too many “coincidences” in my life not to believe that something greater than me exists. I am certainly grateful for this belief as putting my trust in Him has helped me regain my serenity in recovery.

Affirmation

I trust in my Higher Power because I know seeking His will and letting go of what I cannot control lead me to a happier and healthier life.

March 13

”Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” Tryon Edwards

Earning someone’s trust is a long journey. It takes many small acts, continued open and honest communication, and lots of patience. It is very delicate like building an intricate spider web. It is as fragile, easily torn by the smallest negligence, harsh word, or inappropriate act. It is through constant work that extra layers can be added to the web of trust, making it more resilient and less likely to break. Even though I am now in a new relationship with someone who was not with me during my darkest points, the past still leaves a taint. The uncertainty of me slipping back into my old ways creates tension and a hidden stress that I don’t always see in my partner. I need to be sensitive to this aspect of our relationship and to even be forward enough to talk about it first so as not to allow seeds of worry to grow and fester. I have faith in myself and my program of recovery. I am confident in my step work, the progress I continue to make, my sobriety and I have fewer doubts about falling back to my old patterns. But that in of itself doesn’t necessarily transfer to those around me; those are other relationships that require their own time and effort to nurture.

Affirmation I will continue all the small things to keep building my webs of trust and to improve my relations, with myself and others.

October 15

”One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” Bryant McGill

Communication has been somewhat of a troublesome area for me in my life. My addict has learned too well to hear only what it wants to hear, to filter out what it doesn’t and to only provide enough truth to make people stop asking questions and go away. Sad, but unfortunately very true. Needless to say, communication has been an integral piece of my recovery as well. Good communication now has to start with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This means from everything I try to tell myself before I even begin working on dealing with other people, or even my Higher Power. However, given the Master’s degree in deceit and deception I have ungraciously earned over the past decades, words are not sufficient. What I say needs to be followed, pretty well immediately, by actions that support them and demonstrate that they are truly meant. The other side is that I need to listen to others, to honestly take the time to hear people out, let them express their feelings and opinions, and reflect that I have heard and understood. Stopping to let others be heard is a critical part of sharing messages that are actually received and helps to avoid disagreements and conflicts.

Affirmation Learning to communicate better can go a long way to rebuilding trust and respect with those around me.

January 7

”You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.” Frank Crane

Trust is a huge issue for me as an addict, mainly in two respects. The first is in trusting myself, after all the lies and damage I have caused, the lack of self-control and manageability I have suffered at the hands of my addiction. The second is in being worthy of the trust of others after years of lying, cheating, manipulating and breaking promises. It is not without just cause that people should be cautious putting their confidence in me. Fortunately there is a solution to both my concerns, and it happens to be the same thing – honesty. In becoming honest with myself – my thoughts, feelings and actions – I also become more accepting of the consequences. Honesty is also the bridge that I need to use to rebuild trust in my other relationships. It will take time to repair the damage, but being truthful and genuine goes a long way to re-establishing my connection to others. Trust, like respect, is a two-way street. Allowing myself to be open and to get close to others also adds the risk of getting hurt. Just as this is true for those who are willing to get to know me better. But, this is necessary to break out of my habits of isolating and to become an active participant in the world around me.

Affirmation Trust is easily broken and slow to heal. Let me continue to live an honest life and those relationships will be rebuilt, one brick at a time.

January 3

”Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” Carl Sagan

Absence of evidence, boy did I think I was good at covering my tracks of my acting out. I guess I was to some degree as I was able to keep taking greater and greater risks, or more likely I was just lucky. In reality I was caught red-handed more than once, but even that was not enough arrest my behaviours for more than a short period of time. The bigger problem is that my double-life, my lies, sneaking around and hidden activities only destroyed the trust of those close to me. Because I was good at keeping secrets it has made regaining that trust that much more of a challenge. I have lost relationships because the confidence could not be regained; it was and would have always remained an issue. Even still being in recovery, working my program, praying, meditating, reading, writing and all the other of my tools are not necessarily evidence of my continuing abstinence. Those who care about me have to take my sobriety on faith as I cannot provide any guarantees other than the fact that I am trying to be in recovery today. My promises are not worth much, and even less the further into the future that they extend. I need to provide continual proof that my behaviours are changing and also have to be prepared to answer any question at any time. My honest and open responses are paramount to rebuilding trust.

Affirmation I commit to being an open book. I have more to prove that I am working my program to regain the trust of those who are important in my life.

September 15

”A will finds a way.” Orson Svelt Marden

So many things in life are like a double-edged sword… the subject of will certainly is one of them for me. Trying to bend things to my will, well I have years of experience doing that, and more than ample examples of how my addict found a way, even against my better judgement. That was a total loss of will – me powerless and out-of-control. Recovery is showing me a new way, the will of the God of my understanding. It’s not all about me figuring out where my life is headed. It is about trusting in something bigger than me that knows better than I do what the future holds for me. It is opening myself up to the possibility that this “Other” wants the best for me and knows the way even though I probably cannot see it. It is faith become action that if I continue working my program, focus on me and what I can change, all the rest of the pieces are going to fall into place. It sounds a little crazy and too simple, yet it is working. Letting Go and Letting God has moved my life to such a better place than I ever thought possible. The program works if you work it!

Affirmation I am learning to let go to be open to the will of my Higher Power; it is a new and better way to live.

September 6

”Decide what a beautiful day it’s going to be for you before checking the weather.” Mary Ellen Edmunds

Life is more how you take it than how it happens. There have been many days that I have missed opportunities of joy and happiness simply because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and chose to stay there. My attitude colours what happens to me – if I am being negative that is all I will see even in the good things that come my way. It is pretty much a guarantee that each day I will have good and not so good things happen to me and around me. But it is my choice to see everything as either a blessing or a curse. In moving to a stronger connection with my Higher Power, I am starting to believe in a greater design of which my life is but a small, yet important part. I can’t always see the bigger picture, nor am I necessarily always meant to. I need to trust that the God of my understanding has plans for me that are good. I am not able to comprehend all that lies before me and need to learn to accept where I am and to be content with what I have. Being where I am with the promise of becoming better is a miracle in of itself.

Affirmation I will decide to have a good day, to walk beside my Higher Power and see the positive in all I experience.