August 28

”Meditation means going into your loneliness wholeheartedly, to discover it, to investigate into it, to inquire into it.” OSHO

Being alone used to frighten me. Knowing what I know about myself now, I am not really that surprised. I don’t think I could have faced being alone and the possibility of getting to know myself, as sick as I was, and been able to be ok with all that. I really didn’t like who I was and I was certainly too afraid to stop and look at myself. It’s taken time to get comfortable being on my own. It is still not the easiest thing to do, I often find myself pulled to any number of distractions to take me away from those moments of internal reflection. But I am starting to have those dialogues with myself, to delve into who I am and explore the loneliness. This too is a part of my recovery and one I know I need to overcome to remain healthy. It is strange to feel like there are parts of myself I have to avoid, or that are difficult to know how to handle. Yet I need to remember that I have applied one solution to all my problems, at least the emotional stressful ones, for so many years, that I haven’t needed to learn other ways of dealing with life. I spent too many years not allowing myself to be lonely, creating a belief that it was a bad thing. Loneliness, sadness, and even grief are not bad things in of themselves. It’s how I used them to isolate, to justify my choices, or other negative actions that was the problem. Today I can handle them differently as I learn new tools in recovery.

Affirmation If I remove the “L” from loneliness, it makes oneliness, which for me is a study of myself. I will take time to get to know myself better today.

August 26

”Even in the darkness there is something to be learned.” Scott Stewart

Fear. Envy. Anger. Greed. Jealousy. Hatred. Evil. War. These are some of the many shades of darkness. For me as a child, these were aspects of sin, of the failure to live up to the standards of God as written in the Bible. My addiction is certainly my personal heart of darkness. Black as coal. Slick as oil. Dark as night. Life has many tints of light and darkness in it as well. It’s found in the places I go, the people I met, the experiences that I live. The dichotomy of light and dark, good and evil, life and death, exists in almost everything around me. In my journey of recovery, I have had to learn to not only endure the darkness, but to plunge willing into it, to embrace and explore it in an attempt to gain understanding. In short, in order to shed some light on it. It is only in doing so, in learning the truth about my other side, my other self, that I have been able to put things into perspective. This knowledge gives me the power to deflate the ego of my addict, to dispel the lies and exaggerations that held me captive for so many years. It is this understanding of the worst side of me that has given me the promise to bring forth the best into the world.

Affirmation I am not good or evil, light or dark, but a myriad of colors, ever changing. In my willingness to explore all the corners of my being, I will grow and become stronger.

February 4

”Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” Albert von Szent-Gyorgi

A large part of my healing process has involved redefining who I am. The realization that I lived a double life for so many years led me to question who I was, what my values where, and what I stood  for. Just as my addiction hid my spirituality from me, it also buried many of my other beliefs and principles that were contradictory to the selfishness and single-mindedness of my compulsive behaviours. Working the Steps, especially the 4th and compiling my personal inventory, was a painful, but productive process in identifying the person I am. It also brought me to the conclusion that I have a very powerful and freeing choice, I can choose to let go of those parts of me that I don’t like, which do not support me, and carry forward with only the positive pieces. It’s within me right now to be the person I want as only I can continue to let my past pull me down. It was hard at first to take an honest look in the mirror and stop seeing that dark shadow that lurked just beneath the surface. In time, as I have continued to surrender, as I delve deeper within myself, I am coming to accept that reflection which stares back at me. I know I am worth more than how I used to see myself.

Affirmation I have the power see myself better, to define who I want to be based on today, and not upon the deeds of yesterday.

November 27 (67)

”The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.” Thomas Szasz

I have had a similar realization in my own recovery. I feel that I am blessed in having lived through my addiction and having faced the worst and darkest parts of myself. Today in recovery I have the opportunity, offered by the grace of God, to choose how I want to live, the kind of person I want to be. It is less about becoming someone new or finding my true self as it is simply in choosing the parts of my life that lift me up, that lead me in following the path that my Higher Power has lain before me, that support my values, beliefs and ethics. My journey of recovery is about recreating the person I want to be, discarding my defects of character with the help of the God of my understanding, seeking forgiveness and making amends – changing the ways I used to live for better ones. I am growing spiritually and emotionally and finding serenity in my recovery. Each day I have the choice to decide who I want to be, the old me that lived under the influence of my sex addiction, or the new me who lives in recovery under the influence of my Higher Power. One is a life of stagnation and repetition, the other of hope and creation. Which will I choose?

Affirmation Each day holds a new choice, a new chance to be the individual I was meant to be, filled with goodness and infinite potential.

November 13 (81)

”A man knows he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live.” Thomas Merton

Starting from “go” after having been sent there like in a game of Monopoly, fortunately having bypassed jail or other serious consequences, left me staring at a blank sheet of paper. Who am I? What am I? What are my values? Morals? Ethics? What is my purpose? All I seemed to start off with was a multitude of questions for which I had no answers and no obvious starting point. Having lived most of my years with my secret life running along in tandem left me questioning everything that had happened, every choice, every motivation, and every act. I had no idea what was real, what was fantasy or anything in between. Slowly the deluge of water through the flood gates calmed to a thunderous roar and I was able to at least grab onto small branches of truth as I was carried along through the surging waters. I discovered pieces of the real me amongst the flotsam and jetsam of my sordid past. Uncovering those true and core parts of myself is providing me with the building blocks to gradually construct a new life, one piece at a time, by the grace of God.

Affirmation I know there is a true person with me, waiting to be resurrected and given a new lease on life.

October 10

”Always remember that striving and struggle precede success, even in the dictionary.” Sarah ban Breathnach

My road of recovery has been a challenging a journey. Maybe not quite to the heroic level one see’s in an adventure film, but still I would suggest it has been a quest of self-discovery. I have had to leave a great deal of what I knew in my “safe” and comfortable life of addiction behind me as I  set forth on the quest to find a better life. I have faced many demons along the way, found sage advisors, often in unlikely places, and sought talismans and magical powers to protect me from harm. The difficulties I have faced and overcome along the way have made me stronger. I have fought the ogres of my past behaviours, confronted the witches and warlocks of the spells of my addictive thinking and fantasy, and have risen from the depths of despair and darkness to find my way back into the light. My journey is only beginning, yet I know I have taken promising strides to a brighter future. I have my Higher Power as an ally, always at my side whenever I dare ask. With the added support of my groups, I know I am overcome whatever monsters I encounter from here on in.

Affirmation Recovery means facing tough situations that will help me change and grow. I am ready and know I need not face these battles alone.

July 26

”Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality.” Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I am unique. I am flawed, imperfect. I am whole yet dependent upon others. I have strengths and natural talents. I can learn, change and adapt. I am not good or evil, moral or immoral, but I can choose to act in ways perceived to be those ways. I am a human being, capable of acts of incredible love, kindness and compassion, or of things much darker. On top of all these aspects given to me at birth, I am also a sex addict. I have a disease, an illness that in its compulsivity erodes my capacity to make good choices and be wary of the consequences. Yet I am a recovering addict, and I have found hope, strength and courage in the 12 Steps and in the humble beginnings of my reconnection to my Higher Power. I am but a servant in my fellowship, there to share my story, my meager wisdom, and to be open to the messages of courage, love, patience, endurance, spirit, and resilience of my fellow members. I am an individual while at the same time a part of a larger whole, something greater than myself that promises to lead me to a life without my dependency on my drug of choice – sex. I find lessons to take home each meeting, words to reflect on and reasons to give thanks. I may be flawed but no longer am I alone as long as I choose recovery and my program.

Affirmation There is strength and hope in all the parts of me, talents to be exploited to further my recovery and weaknesses to be acknowledged and overcome to make progress.

July 19

”All I would tell people is to hold onto what was individual about themselves, not to allow their ambition for success to cause them to try to imitate the success of others. You’ve got to find it on your own terms” Harrison Ford

I still remember my attitude when I first started working for a large organization –“I won’t let them break me, I will still be the same person, will challenge those who say things have always been this way so don’t change them, etc.” A decade later, I think I can honestly say that I still believe those fundamental statements, yet they have been tamed by the realities of how it is generally difficult to make changes through all the bureaucracy inherent in the system. Regardless, I can hold onto my individuality and within reason, voice my opinion when things don’t seem to make sense or appear to inhibit rather than promote an effective workplace. There is a bit of a parallel to my recovery in this. When I first opened the door to the idea that I was an addict, I very quickly found myself drowning in questions of whom the real me was versus the addict. But as I work through the program and the waters recede, I have been able to find bits and pieces of me that have been there all along, even if they were intentionally ignored or buried much of the time. My addictive behaviour didn’t so much remove my good qualities as it tried to deny my access to them, or to subvert them to less desirable ends. But I am finding my way through recovery as I rediscover myself.

Affirmation I know my recovery does not require me to recreate myself as much as I simply need to discover the good – the talents and abilities – which I already possess.

May 10

”Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” Harvey Fierstein

I remember from a very young age developing the notion that I did not want to grow up like my father. I am not sure I even knew what that meant fully at the time, nor in the years that followed, but it was somehow a self-promise to be better than the standard he represented. The problem is that the more I tried to enforce this idea, the more like him I became. I have lived through periods of defiance, where I firmly believed that no one could define who I was and that the way to do things was to turn away from all those people who could guide me in finding the path that was right for me to take. The best result that I achieved through that course of action was to become even more lost than I thought possible. My recovery has taught me that being my own person is more about my surrendering to the possibility that I don’t know best rather than assuming that I do possess that knowledge. I am realizing that I don’t know the path of my future, heck I am not even holding the map. It is through others that I can be guided when I open myself to the workings of my Higher Power in those around me. Today I wish to be more like my father rather than so different, for his path of recovery can surely aid my own.

Affirmation I will be open to the definition of my path that my Higher Power offers and look for the guidance that is provided.

March 18

”To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting” e e cummings

Who am I? I’ve asked myself that question many times, both in my active addiction and in recovery. Usually my answer involves the roles I have in my life, in my family, at work and in the community. But none of these really get to the root of who I am, they are more reflections of how I am perceived by specific groups of people. To honestly answer the question I have to look internally. What is at the core of my being, my likes, dislikes, strengths, faults, morals, values and beliefs. This sounds an awful lot like Step 4, taking a personal inventory. This is not something I have ever really put much thought into until creating my inventory. For most of my life I’ve been content with the idea that I know at a superficial level who I am, which was based more on how I projected myself rather than the reflection of my true inner self. Being in recovery and giving up my double life means being honest with myself and trying to live as the person I see in the mirror as opposed to what I think is expected of me. At the end of the day, I know the opinion of myself that matters most is my own.

Affirmation I will be authentic and genuine today. I will be aware of the ways I behave that are incongruent and unnatural.

February 28

”Until you are at peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.” Denis Mortman

I am the one and only me. Only I can truly understand myself. To thine own self be true. Statements like these can be really frustrating in our early recovery. For myself I know I had serious doubts about who I truly was. What aspects of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality came from the core of my being and which of them stemmed from my addictive behaviours. I came to a realization after much internal debate. Who I had been in the past and what I had done had no bearing on who I was going to become in recovery. This basically gave me the freedom to say that starting from today; I will be what I want. Here is a blank piece of paper, now draw a picture, write out the words, whatever, to determine who I am. I have the liberty to decide what things I want to keep and those I want to throw away. My ability to be at peace with myself is improving. If there is some part of me that I am not happy with, I have the power to stop it, change it, or give it to my Higher Power.

Affirmation I am the person I want to be and I can decide what aspects of my past I bring forward with me today.