October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

March 11

”Any person capable of angering you becomes the master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” Epictetus

My personal power is something that I now realize has been too easy for me to give over to others. When I hold a grudge, when I resent where I am in life because of what someone else did or said, when I remain angry with another, I give them the power to control how I feel. I am learning that no one can make me feel, not happy, sad, angry or glad. My feelings are my own and while I am entitled to them, most are also not long-lived. My feelings are okay when they are a temporary response to a situation, but when I hold onto them, feed them, protect them, hide them, or lose myself in them then I lose focus on the present and live in the past. I need to move forward and one of the best tools for that is forgiveness. Forgiveness to me means taking back my power and not allowing myself to be controlled by past events that truly have no impact on where I am right at this moment. It does not mean that I condone what others have said or done, but there is nothing I can do to change that, all I can deal with is the here and now.

Affirmation I will live for the moment today; living in the past gives my power to others and holds be back from moving forward.