January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.

November 10

”Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.” Norma Vincent Peale

As one member puts it, he continues to come to meetings to place himself amongst the coals and heat of others in recovery, to rekindle his own flame and spark to continue working his program. It is true I often see my meetings in a similar fashion, that sitting with like-minded, and similar afflicted but coping people, gives me a boost to keep pursuing my own growth and change. I may share my own experience, strength and hope, but I also receive the same from everyone who offers their own to the group. Addiction taught me that no one was worthy of trust, that I was meant to succeed in life by no one’s will and effort but my own. Obviously, that was not a path or reality that really worked. Recovery and the 12 Steps are teaching me that life requires the assistance of others, that things work better when I reach out and put my faith not only in my fellow man, but also in a Higher Power. It is in gaining a sense of community that I will grow and find happiness. It makes sense when my world consisted only of me, myself and I, that life’s blows seemed the most devastating. There was nothing and no one for me to fall back on. However, now that I know I am not alone, that there is a team of people rooting for me and supporting me, I can more readily face the challenges of life. I carry a seed of enthusiasm and hope within, but I am aware that it is fueled and sustained by those who surround me.

Affirmation May my fire of recovery burn brightly, may I seek similar spirits to kindle my flame and keep the flame of change ever-lit.

October 29 (96)

”The journey is the reward.” Taoist proverb

It came to my attention during a recent meeting that I haven’t really looked at renewing my reward system. For years there was only one real train of thought that I followed and I hadn’t recognized in my recovery that this system needed to be updated. I didn’t even know really where to start, so I had to ask for help. The best advice I had was to start looking at things that I like to do. Reading for enjoyment is one of my favorite pastimes and it is something that has fallen by the wayside. So either borrowing a book from the library or buying one that I like to read and setting aside some me time to enjoy became a reward on my list. Watching a good movie can also be a healthy reward for me. I also need to be aware of other rewards that can be less of a good choice. Food is a touchy one for me, a nice meal is okay, but junk food is not as I can use it to compensate rather than reward. The importance is to understand if what I choose is truly a reward or an escape. It’s all about learning new ways to cope, which includes finding new ways to treat myself that are positive and support my recovery. This is an important aspect of my program to help ensure I don’t replace one addiction with another.

Affirmation Rewards are as important as my coping mechanisms and I will reflect on the ways that I can treat myself in a healthy way today.

October 10

”Always remember that striving and struggle precede success, even in the dictionary.” Sarah ban Breathnach

My road of recovery has been a challenging a journey. Maybe not quite to the heroic level one see’s in an adventure film, but still I would suggest it has been a quest of self-discovery. I have had to leave a great deal of what I knew in my “safe” and comfortable life of addiction behind me as I  set forth on the quest to find a better life. I have faced many demons along the way, found sage advisors, often in unlikely places, and sought talismans and magical powers to protect me from harm. The difficulties I have faced and overcome along the way have made me stronger. I have fought the ogres of my past behaviours, confronted the witches and warlocks of the spells of my addictive thinking and fantasy, and have risen from the depths of despair and darkness to find my way back into the light. My journey is only beginning, yet I know I have taken promising strides to a brighter future. I have my Higher Power as an ally, always at my side whenever I dare ask. With the added support of my groups, I know I am overcome whatever monsters I encounter from here on in.

Affirmation Recovery means facing tough situations that will help me change and grow. I am ready and know I need not face these battles alone.

September 28

”You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.”” Alan Alda

My recovery is my own. My path through separation is my own too. Those close to me have their own paths to follow to heal from the trauma of living in the toxic environment that I subjected them to. This includes my kids. Even though I may be making good progress in accepting the consequences and the new reality of my recovery, there is no obligation for my path to be in sync with those of the people around me. It takes a good deal of patience to repeatedly answer questions from my younger children about mommy and daddy getting back together again. Now that the decision is firm that this is not the direction things are headed, it is not always easy to answer the question without bringing up the ghosts of the past. The “what ifs” of wondering if I did enough to repair the damage all too easily surface anew. My role is to continue being a good parent and to show my children that separation, while perhaps not their choice, is where I need to be. As long as I am working my program and improving my own character, I have faith that my kids will come around. Maybe never to a complete understanding of how things have changed, but at least to accept things as they are.

Affirmation I cannot change where I am or how I feel to please others, even my children. I need to trust the process of the Steps and know that my recovery will become apparent to others in time.

August 17

”Far away in the sunshine are my highest expectations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow their lead.” Louisa May Alcott

Some of my goals may be loft ideas right now. They may seem unrealistic, unreachable or even impossible. Yet I can look back at my life to a time not so long ago where I thought the return to some sense of normalcy, of being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, seemed a state that was out of my reach. Today it is something that has mostly been regained. So who am I to judge what remains in the realm of possibility? I need not achieve such grandiose dreams in a simple heroic leap…more likely it will take a long journey, and often, if I am focused on the way ahead and less on the goal, I often find I have surpassed the goal rather than recognizing the exact instant I have attained what was once so highly desired. My path in recovery is less about the milestones than it is about each mile and each stone that I look upon or under as I voyage ahead. My focus on the present, staying aware of what I can change, where I can make a difference – this is what enables me to mature and grow.

Affirmation I can reach for the stars while realizing that I still need to take a step at a time to get there.

February 23

”I am larger, better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.” Walt Whitman

What a good feeling it is to look back at my life and realize how different a person I have become. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago when I was at the point of total desperation; when I was so full of doubt, when I felt emotionally numb - pleasure deaf as I called it. Today I can walk with a smile on my face and feel genuinely happy. I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I can listen in quiet solitude and feel the presence of my Higher Power beside me. I can look at my children and feel joy. I can laugh and be happy. Even on the other side of life, I can feel sad, angry or hurt. I no longer need to hide these emotions. I have the courage to face them and experience them for what they are. I still feel lonely but it no longer haunts my thoughts. I have regained the ability to look myself in the mirror and like the person staring back at me. I am mostly at peace with who I am.

Affirmation I know I am a good person and that I am a better person today because of my recovery.

February 15

”Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage comes in many forms. Courage during the process of our recovery often comes in small doses; the courage to go to our first meeting, the first time we say aloud that we are a sex addict, the first time we share in a meeting. Yet like many things, the courage in taking these small steps builds confidence and eventually leads to taking bigger steps like seeking a sponsor, sharing our first step, joining a step study group or taking on a leadership role. There is no magic recipe to our recovery. It is more often the accumulation of many small steps, small acts of recovery that lead to our eventual sexual sobriety. There is power in these tiny movements within the program. Like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, we likely only require following the yellow brick road of our recovery and experiencing small moments that will gradually rebuild our self-confidence.

Affirmation Today I will find the courage to work a small part of my recovery, that step will become a part of my continuing journey.