In Memorium

'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' The Latin term for that sentiment is Carpe Diem. Now who knows what that means?...Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the writer use these lines?...Because we are food for worms, lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day gonna stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Now I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You've walked past them many times. I don't think you've really looked at them. They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen. Do you hear it? Carpe. Hear it? Carpe. Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Robin Williams

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I'm breaking from my writing pattern for a special occasion, the untimely passing of someone who has, likley unbeknowst to him, been a major role model for most of my life. Dead Poet's Society has remained my favorite movie of Robin Williams. My Captain has gone forth from the land, and not in a way I had hoped he might. His loss, especially as a suicide, has not change my opinion of him. Having faced demons of my own, I feel I can sympathize and understand, at least to a degree, where he has been.

And in the same moment, this event has brought about a mix of emotions. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. I am a big fan, I have had the blessing of meeting my idol in person backstage during one of his stand-up tours. I thought so well of him, that I have an unsent letter sitting in my computer, that was to accompany a copy of my meditation book as a gift of appreciation for the inspiration his career and talent has given me. That letter which has been written for 3 months while I wait for the right moment to send it. And then come the questions, did I wait too long to send it? Would he have received it and read it? Could I somehow have changed his path through that gesture? Then comes the reality of accepting that I will never know as I cannot go back into the past and make things different. Did I miss my chance to seize the day?

We are all worms for food, that is the fate that awaits each of us. Do I have the courage to take the reins in my life, to act with extraordinary courage and fearlessly pursue my dreams? Maybe I have been listening too long, waiting for the perfect moment, and instead need to act more swiftly before I am too late. Life is precious and fragile. Our grasp and understanding of the world and reality is often tenuous at best. Moments like these are a harsh reminder that none of us escapes this mortal coil alive. Therefore every moment is a gift and should be treated with care, and used to the best of its ability. So the unsent letter, although it may be too late to reach the intended recipient, is going in the mail tomorrow. Many other things that have been put aside now seem more important to me. I know for myself, this tragic loss will not be in vain, and it will be another source to fuel my recovery, my giving back to the world for the recovery and serenity I have found. Thank you Robin for being a source of inspiration that will carry on well after you have gone from this life. I know that Heaven is a much happier place now that you are there. God bless you and keep you, thanks for all the tears, all the laughter and for being who you were. Genie, you're free.

November 30

”Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’” Kurt Vonnegut

Some of my greyest days are those when I find myself wishing that things had been different, regretting choices I made or the roads I took. My thoughts can trigger these episodes, or can things around me. Running across some old photos, having someone around me reminisce about a past event, or simply running into someone I haven’t seen in a while. It can be challenging to pull myself back into the present, to stay current. Letting go of the past, in many ways Letting Go and Letting God, is required to leave behind what can no longer be changed. But I do recognize that I need to face some of these issues in order to have some finality with them and move on. There are lessons to be learned. My ability to choose is a much greater gift than I have considered in the past. So many things I do have repercussions days, weeks, months or even years later, and I cannot always appreciate that in the moment. It behooves me to see guidance, to surrender to the will of my Higher Power, to make good choices today that will lay the foundation for a better and brighter future.

Affirmation Coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking will not change the past. Let me focus on what I can do today to make good decisions that support my recovery.

January 15

”I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.” Jonathon Swift

Guilt and shame, and even to some degree remorse, were slow to present themselves as I moved into recovery. I had spent years of living with the sense of entitlement that I could do what I wanted when I wanted as long as it only affected me. Of course I had been completely blind to all the collateral damage my addiction had inflicted on those around me. The best explanation I have for having been able to live and function that way for so many years was that the cost of my addiction was my spirit. There is no way I could live in that fashion and still maintain any real connection to my Higher Power, God, or something greater than myself that was true and pure. My addiction had to squash that and replace it, becoming the false idol that I bowed to every minute of every day. Shame and guilt for my addiction were its sustenance, what kept it alive, well and hungry for more. It has been a challenge to wean my addict off those things, but as I come to accept myself, as my Higher Power accepts me, I stop feeding the destructive force within me. In doing so, I become painfully away of just how much damage I have caused, unknowingly. Thankfully, it is never too late to begin to heal the hurt, starting with how poorly I have treated myself.

Affirmation Shame and regret can be signs I am healing and recognizing my addiction for what it truly is.

December 7 (57)

”Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.” Willa Cather

As I prepare for my first holiday season since my separation, it has been hard not to feel the pull back into the past and the weight of all my regrets hanging over me, threatening to pull me under once again. Adding to that fact is the prospect of spending a good portion of the holidays alone. This is a challenge indeed and one where I have been loath to accept offers of help from friends and family, at least thus far. But then do I really trust that I am sufficiently wilful to resist temptation to succumb to the pressure wholly of my own accord? As most days go, it has become routine to deal with the occasional thought, desire or situation which triggers me. I am gaining confidence in my new coping abilities when confronted in these ways. This holiday season is the first major event that I will have to face and endure. I know there are people who will be able to support, yet I also know I may be less likely to want to interrupt their festivities if I need to reach out. A dilemma indeed! Perhaps I can simply accept those good times from the past without focusing on what is lacking today. Being in recovery is a gift in of itself that I can never show enough appreciation for having been granted. I need some extra faith in my Higher Power that this is going to work as it was meant to be.

Affirmation I can face tougher days and humble myself to admit that maybe I cannot, and need not, do everything on my own.

November 20 (74)

”It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” Chuck Palahniuk

Undertaking the process of recovery has meant starting over in many aspects of my life. I did not lose quite everything, but more than enough to have regrets of what could have been different, what I might have saved if I had found the program sooner. I struggle with letting go of things that are too damaged and beyond my ability to repair. There are many places where I have had to resign myself that, at least for now, there is little more that I can do. It takes two willing parties to make a relationship work and grow and I cannot hold a string in the air all by myself. The other loss I am experiencing is the loss of my addict. I have to grieve the departure of that part of myself. Yet in order to move in a different direction I needed to put that aspect of me to rest. It’s a sign of maturity and of accepting a different way of living. This has happened in writing a good-bye letter. It also has come through exercises of reconciliation with my inner child who was forced to deal with adult issues for too many years. My child-like personality is now freer to simply be and play as I have committed to accept responsibility for all the adult situations I encounter.

Affirmation I am recognizing that in many ways I have to lose things from the past in order to be free to gain new things in the present.

March 7

”To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” Louis B. Smedes

As human beings we have a tendency to hold onto things, good and bad. Often as a result, we focus much of our attention on the past, reminiscing about how things were or might have been. Forgiving ourselves, and others whom we have affected through our addictive behaviour is another step in our process of letting go. We need to let go of the baggage we are carrying within us, most especially those things that are unresolved. In making our amends we move from holding onto the past and into the present by taking responsibility and doing something to make life better. We are humbled by our acts of amendment and gain wisdom in seeing the pain we have caused others. It is important to make amends to ourselves and take measures to establish things that we have neglected or deprived ourselves of during those periods when we were focused on our addiction and not making healthy choices.

Affirmation I hold the key to walk out of my prison, and that key is forgiveness.