October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

August 19

”To rid ourselves of shadows – who we are- we must step into either total light or total darkness.” Jeremy Preston

There have been moments in my life when I have felt that life could only progress to one extreme or the other, either complete and total immersion into my addiction, a transformation into my darkest self, or a trip in the other direction to completely shed me of the evil skin that coated all I did and all I was. In these moments I was often at my worst, in my lowest state, unable to find much hope of a return to normalcy. In recovery I can see more clearly that things are not simply black or white, but most often a variety of shades. Extremes are not usually healthy, for good or for worse, but life is more fluid and its ok that things fluctuate within a spectrum. The trick is to neither succumb to my addictive behaviours nor try to shut them out completely. It is more about learning to accept myself as I am, the black, the white, and the multiple shades of gray in between. My goal is not to rid myself of my shadow – like everything else about me it serves a purpose. While it took a more predominant place in my life than it should have, I am working to put it into perspective. My shadow today reminds me of why I am in recovery, why I work my program, and allows me to reflect on how different things have become. I can accept it as an integral part of me, but do not have to be led by it any longer.

Affirmation In time the power of my shadow of my addiction will diminish as I focus on the 12-Steps and my recovery.

December 21

”We are haunted by an ideal life, and it is because we have within us the beginning and the possibility of it.” Phillip Brooks

It is still challenging to admit that I have moments of weakness and temptation. I still get upset and frustrated with myself when I find that I am being pulled into my middle circle. I think, in my case, that perhaps I am haunted by an ideal recovery, knowing that I have within me the potential for a “textbook” recovery, if such a thing were to exist. The reality is that I am human and I am flawed. I have strengths and weaknesses, talents and imperfections, the potential for good and poor decisions alike. I will take steps backwards as I try to move forwards. Not everything I do will I get right the first time around. Yet there is not much harm in keeping the hope of an ideal recovery in my head. It can be a goal, one that I know I shall never achieve, but that I can strive towards nonetheless. Like wanting to be more like Christ or Buddha is good for some, I, too, can seek to live an ideal life within my imperfect vessel. The importance is to keep trying and to continue using my tools to live better, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation I need to remind myself today that I can do my best, yet that it is alright to make mistakes, to have a slip, to experience a setback. Trying to be perfect in recovery is not a requirement, but can be a goal I reach towards.

December 6 (58)

”Begin each day as if it were on purpose.” Will Smith

One tool that I have seen work well is establishing a plan of recovery for each day. Taking a few moments and considering what activities and tools I can use and schedule into my daily routine to provide reminders and support. Then I can make myself accountable by checking in with my sponsor or a fellow member at the end of the day to see how many of the things I actually incorporated. It is fuel to keep me on the right path be setting up items in advance that will aid me throughout the day. It is a different approach than focusing on my unwanted thoughts and behaviours. Instead, looking at the positive is a way to help reinforce my new way of living, just like affirmations are meant to help me break free from my negative thinking. This affirmative action planning is another guideline to assist in the creation of a new routine and habits that protect my sobriety. Beginning each day with a purpose is a boost to reinforce my recovery and enhance my defenses against the pull of my addiction. I may not always have a terrific day, but the more I work at living my new life, the greater the hope I have of achieving freedom from the dark cloud of my sexual addiction.

Affirmation I will plan ahead for tomorrow to put in place recovery work and outer circle activities to protect my sobriety and to heal my connection to my Higher Power.

October 22

”Try to forget yourself in the service of others.  For when we think too much of ourselves and our own interests, we easily become despondent. But when we work for others, our efforts return to bless us.” Sidney Powell

Most of my focus in my active addiction was on me. Doing things for others was usually just a means to an end, a way to get obligations or people out of my way so that I could do what I really wanted to be doing. Although I may have done a good job, I didn’t usually care much about anything I did or put my heart into the task. My recovery has also been very focused on myself, but at a deeper, more internal level of reflection and introspection as I pull away the layers of deception and falsehood that I used to cover up my emotions. Much of my work had to be done alone, for only I can work on changing my behaviours and attitudes. My really big steps though have come from those times where I have given freely of myself to others. I have taken the role of treasurer for one of my groups, and also helped to establish and lead a step-study group. Not only has this encouraged my own recovery, it has supported the recovery of others. I learn more through the sharing of others that I do by relating my own experiences of strength, hope and courage. It truly is in giving that we receive.

Affirmation I know I am no longer alone in the world, in giving back to the community I shall reap rewards I never would have imagined.

October 12

”Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.” Sarah Bernhardt

This is certainly a truth as I have focused not only on recovery in the past year and a half, but on taking better care of myself at all levels, mind, body, and soul. Reincorporating regular exercise is an expenditure of energy that has created more energy for me on a daily basis. I am less fatigued and more motivated than before. Recovery work also breeds recovery work. There have been tools like journaling, prayer, reaching out, meditations, and affirmations that I have had to force myself to practice. Much of it was awkward and unnatural in the beginning. Yet with time and repetition, it has become something that I am more used to and, heaven forbid, even look forward to doing. I still have days when I have trouble getting started, needing to pick up a tool out of habit more than desire because I know it is good for me, and usually, somewhere in the midst of the activity I discover how good I feel and look forward to the reward of accomplishing the task at hand. It is in giving that I receive. When I feel less like doing something for myself, I can gain motivation by helping others, or simply reaching out. I need to remember to set boundaries so as not to put everyone else before myself.

Affirmation I may need to force myself to use my tools of recovery today, but creating new habits will benefit me, and those around me, in time.

October 3

”Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it, so autograph your work with quality.” Robert Elliot

My recovery is my newest work. It is a work in progress, a work of art, a masterpiece in the making. It is likely one of the most important jobs I will ever undertake because it is the basis for the foundation that everything else in my life will be built upon. Therefore it is something that deserves to be done well. My recovery did not start off with this attitude in mind. At first it was the latest attempt to appease those around me, a sign of good faith to get the freedom to go back to my old ways. However, hearing the stories of others, something stuck out and I found the possibility of a different and better way of living. It still took many meetings and months before I fully trusted the program and began to put 110% effort into it. Recovery is no longer a thing I do, but has become an integral piece of my life. It is part of my new self-portrait. The principles and tools have helped to transform me into the healthier person that I am today. SAA has autographed its teachings into my DNA and for that I am truly grateful.

Affirmation My recovery is a job to be taken seriously. It will only produce results equal to the effort I put into it.

September 20

”Happy is he who dares courageously to defend what he loves.” Ovid

My recovery is precious. Because right now it is helping me regain my connection to my Higher Power, it is probably one of the most valuable things in my life and I need to protect it. I have heard people say that working their program is like putting money in the bank, that it is self-guarding some protection for when they need to withdraw it to help combat their triggers and addictive tendencies. I see working my program more like sand I add to an hour glass that has no top or bottom. Picking up my tools and using them helps to keep my addiction at bay, but if I am not consistent and continuously working my recovery that reserve of sand will eventually fall all the way through. It takes daily doses of courage to make being in recovery a priority. It is too easy to fall back into my old routine, to put off my sponsor, prayer, meetings or some other tool when life is going well. Life is good because I am still active in my outer activities, in connecting with others, in reading my recovery literature and meditating. Why on earth would I want to stop these things and jeopardize the sanity and serenity I have found? Now that is just a little crazy thinking on my part!

Affirmation I will choose to defend my sobriety and that means continuing to work my program – life is good today because I am doing the right things.

September 19

”I have no Yesterdays, Time took them away. Tomorrow may not be but I have Today.” Pear Yeardon McGinnis

I used to think I had all the time in the world. Tomorrow I could fill up, and the next week, month, or year with activity and planning. It has taken a significant amount of recovery to realize that all I really have is Today, and even harder to come to terms with is knowing all that I really have is right now. I cannot get back Yesterday or anything that has happened in the past. The moment is gone, lost forever. I can choose to allow it to shape who I am and where I go from there. Regret, anger, and resentment about what has been only distract me from being in the present. The Future is little better. I can worry, but effort into my fears of what may be, yet here too I remove myself from right now. My power in just being, in gaining the awareness of who I truly am, of opening myself to the will of something greater than myself, grants me the freedom to choose how to live each moment. I can squander it on negative thoughts and emotions or parts of my addictive nature, or I can choose life in recovery – to be healthy, clean, sober and sane. Each moment of serenity restores a part of my true self and gives me the ability to serve the purpose of my Higher Power.

Affirmation My focus is to be in the moment, the past is beyond my control and the future may never come to pass. I will do the most I can right now.

August 26

”Why are we surprised when fig trees bear figs.” Margaret Titzel

Being in recovery is both a blessing and a curse. It’s been a blessing because it has shown me the depths of my own sickness and that awareness has motivated me to change my behaviours. It’s a curse because the awareness has also shown me how others in my life have been contaminated by my illness. This is not always a good thing because others are not always open to admitting they are sick as well and need help. I cannot force anyone to seek help for the damage I have caused by bringing my addiction into their lives. This negative side of my awareness leads me too often to expecting to react as though they have the knowledge I am gaining in my recovery. The problem is, many of them are doing little to change their coping mechanisms, so it should not be a surprise when they continue to act as if I am sick, or just in their own unhealthy ways. Yet is takes me aback more often than not. I need to be careful in setting unrealistic expectations in my relations with others. It is me that is in recovery; I am working a program; I am getting help and walking a new path. I can encourage others to do so, but until they make that choice for themselves, they are not likely to treat me any differently nor change their own behaviours. This is something I need to be prepared for and to live through.

Affirmation I will be aware that I am not expecting too much of others and to remember that my recovery changes me first.

August 6

”The wave is not separate from the ocean; oxygen in the water is not separate from the hydrogen; the waves is not separate from the particle; I am not separate from you. In fact nothing is separate from anything. We are one.” Lance Secretan

As much as my spouse and I are one, we are now more apart than ever. Seeing that separation as a permanent result looms ever closer, I am more and more aware of how far the divide between us has grown. I have tried in many ways to keep the bond close, communication open, but my spouse has chosen a different path and one I cannot follow and still maintain my sanity and sobriety. So my decision has to be to protect myself first and foremost so I can continue all my other responsibilities as a parent, friend, employee, etc. There are many people who will appreciate the recovering me. I will probably have some regrets, for a short while, about where our paths have led us, but in retrospect there is a lot to be thankful for as well. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair, and I know that hanging on will simply slow down or stall my own recovery. If I am not taking care of me I am of little use to anyone else. I will face the consequences of my actions, knowing that I have the support of my fellowship, my Higher Power and my family. My spouse will have to do likewise, but I cannot take on or solve their problems. I need to stay on my own path and, God willing, maybe somewhere down the line our paths will cross again when we are both healthy.

Affirmation I can face going it alone, because in reality, with God at my side and my brothers and sisters in SAA supporting me, I shall never be solitary again.

July 13

”There is a past which is gone forever, but there is a future which is still our own.” F. W. Robertson

I think I am starting to understand the concept of not being able to go home again. After 4 months of living on my own, away from my spouse and my family, I know things will never be the way they were before, even if we reconcile. There is no changing the past. Yet I am not completely in despair. I hope that if things do work out, they will be better than before. I know I am no longer the same person I was since having admitted my problems and actively taking the steps to change. Living in recovery today I am aware that the pull of my addiction is not the promise of a bright and happy future, but the attempt to pull me back into the past. My addiction prefers to keep me in stasis, unchanging, isolated and stagnating in the fantasy world that does little to make my life productive. Recovery on the other hand is not so much about the future as it is about the present. Living for the future can be as destructive as dwelling on the past. The program is teaching me to live in and for the moment. This is where the action is, where my energy is best spent to make real changes. I may never go home again, but living in the now helps me to be content with myself, no matter where I may be.

Affirmation I will not dwell on the past nor worry about the future: the here and now is where I need to be focused.

June 20

”There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” Beverly Sills

Recovery is hard work. It is not easy to confront myself, to revisit the past, my mistakes, and face my shortcomings. Being open and willing to change takes effort and energy. There are many days I wake and feel the burden of my journey as a cross that I need to carry. But I also have faith that I will perservere through this suffering and come out the other side a better person. I know that my journey is not a solitary one. While I need to make the changes myself, I have discovered a new family in the program that is ready and willing to lend their support and experience to help me along the way. As much as I would love for there to be a quick and easy way, a pill to take, a button to push, I know that change is a process that needs the time it will take. I can see in my experience and that of my fellow members that the road to anywhere worth going is often treacherous. I know too well where the easy road led me and I no longer wish to follow that route and lose myself along the way. The adversity I face will help me to rebuild my character and in the end I will be better for the trip.

Affirmation Today I will pursue the difficult path that will lead me to a better place.

May 11

”What the hearts has owned and had, it shall never lose.” Henry Ward Beecher

One of my most difficult challenges in my recovery has been trying to reconcile my relationships, especially my marriage. Realizing how much my addiction has taken away, how much damage it has caused to the love and trust that is supposed to be the foundation, has made it painfully evident how much work needs to be done to begin healing. I am more aware of how much I stand to lose, how much I have tossed aside. I am committed first to my own recovery, and somewhat of a secondary effect is the improvement in my commitment to my spouse. Working my program does not guarantee success in restoring my relationship. I have has lost many opportunities to be a responsible and caring parent. Yet I can be more present today and begin to reintegrate myself in to the lives of my children. My kids will notice my renewed interest and enthusiasm as long as I am consistent. I have stopped hiding my emotions from them and I am trying to be a more genuine person to be a better role model. I am rediscovering what love truly is, not the selfish lust and desire of my past, but the selfless giving and sharing with those I deeply care about. I am becoming comfortable with the idea that no matter what the future holds I will be alright with myself. I will still be the father that my children need. And my love for my spouse will always be a part of me.

Affirmation I can remain true to who I am and try to mend relationships but I need to keep my recovery a priority.

May 7

”Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.” Henry Kaiser

Lately I have become grateful for adversity. I have gained enough serenity and sobriety that I have been able to weather several challenging storms in my recovery, a number of which have had little to do with my addiction but were simply life events. I have not done this on my own, by any stretch of the imagination. I has required a great reliance on my Higher Power and my support network, my fellowship, family and friends. The part I am grateful for is that I am coming to more readily accept the need to surrender in situations where I have little control and to reach out for help. I have jokingly shared with others that I have been able to establish an emergency hotline to my Higher Power. Yet this is a good thing as it shows how I have strengthened my faith. While I have still had many pulls to fall back into my old ways in these times of stress, they have only lasted moments. Through the grace of God, I have had the ability to choose to pick up a tool of recovery or to reach out to multiple people in my fellowship. I am learning to trust and express my feelings instead of bottling them inside me. I shared at a meeting that I feel I have no choice but to continue picking up tools of recovery. One member reminded me that the choice is always there. It humbled me, and at the same time strengthened me to see that I can do things differently by trusting in my Higher Power and the program. Life can be sane even it times of chaos.

Affirmation I will seek opportunity in adversity; challenges are times for me practice what I preach in recovery.

April 24

”You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victim without having victims.” Harriet Woods

My recovery is just that – mine. The fact that I am reaching out for help, that I am seeking new tools and ways of coping with life – all these things change only one person, me. It does not mend broken relationships or fix other people. It does not put a flashing neon sign above my head that will tell people that I am in recovery and getting better. So my recovery is really focused on that phrase from the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can.” There are days that I think my relationships, especially those with my partner and family, should be improving as rapidly as I change myself. But I need to step back and remember that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship. If my foundation is improving, but the other person has not been making changes, then the connection between us will not change a great deal. I need to keep a realistic view of what is occurring in my relationships. All those parts of my life that are external are more likely to change on someone else’s schedule, and not according to my wants and desires. I need to be patient and content with my own progress. Everything else will come in due time.

Affirmation I need to be aware and maintain reasonable goals for the changes in my life. It’s important to remind myself that the primary purpose for my recovery is self-improvement.

April 19

”Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” Chinese Proverb

I am a grateful recovering sex addict. At the beginning of my recovery I was simply me. But the first time I named myself a sex addict, I began to acknowledge my powerlessness over my addiction and to accept the unmanageability of my life. It was the beginning of my process through Step One. Eventually I felt it was time to call myself a recovering sex addict. The change was simply the fact that I was comfortable with the first step, aware of where my addiction had led me in life, and cognisant that I could never go back to that state of ignorance. I woke up each morning knowing that my focus for the day was to be in recovery. Now I am a grateful recovering sex addict. That change occurred while I was in a treatment program for codependency. I realized that while I was comfortable admitting I was a sex addict that I also hid behind that label; that somehow it justified my thoughts and actions. Coming to that realization that I am more than the sum of my parts, or in this case labels, gave me the freedom to start to be truly grateful for all the self-awareness I have gained, and continue to gain, in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation I am willing to change, but accept that many changes will happen when it’s the right time, not when I want them to.

April 2

”I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” G. K. Chesterton

I am thankful every time I attend a meeting…maybe not always at the start as I can be reluctant to go, but by the end of every meeting I have heard something that has struck a chord. I know that discovering SAA, the fellowship, my groups and its members have saved my life. I am grateful to the program of recovery that has given me a second chance. The greatest gift I have about living in recovery is that I still have my life to experience. I am able to see that in the height of my addiction I was only barely alive, it was a meager existence. I lived only to serve the needs of my compulsive behaviours. I buried all emotion to remain a slave to the master of my inner circle. Each day of recovery I break the chains that bind me to my former life. I can feel again, I can smile, I can be present in the moment, I have hope. All thanks to the men and women, who like me, have a desire to overcome their addictive sexual behaviour. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Affirmation I will find time to show my thanks to the program that has allowed me a second chance at life.

February 29

”Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius

Many of us aspire to be the perfect recoverer, to make the decision to become sober and to maintain that new state for the rest of our days. We figure there’s a simple switch to turn off our addictive behaviour and move on with a normal life. If only it were so easy. Like our life has been to this point, so is our recovery a journey. It does not take a straight path, but one filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. Our initial time in recovery is much like learning to ride a bike without training wheels. We know the basics of being on the bicycle but are fearful of not having the support of those two small wheels. We likely fell many times before we got the hang of it and ultimately overcame our fears. So too with our recovery, it can be frightening taking those first steps. We might even be excited about the new way of living and jump in with both feet. But those first relapses, our falling back to our old ways, leave us missing the security of our training wheels. It takes courage and support to get back on track.

Affirmation Today I can rise if I fail, the ultimate goal is progress, not perfection in my recovery.

February 25

”The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” Chinese Proverb

Many of life’s challenges are daunting and impossible when we look at the whole picture. Trying to see where we will be at the end without seeing all the steps we can take to get to our goal can weaken our will and desire to move forward. The critical task is to look at the first steps and start taking them to move towards our objective. Picking up those first small stones will lead us towards the task of moving the mountain. The important thing is making that effort and in turn progress. When we reduce a large problem into smaller tasks and figure out a place to begin, the endeavour that seemed insurmountable in the first place often seems achievable and much less daunting. Our journey in our recovery is often like this. Even though we may not always make the right choice all the time, if we keep the end in sight and continue to move towards it, we are making progress.

Affirmation I can take a small step towards resolving a larger problem and be proud that I am taking action.