November 14

”Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brené Brown

My addict, my alter-ego, my dark shadow or dark passenger, however I refer to it, there it is. It is the parts of me that I no longer desire to give control to, the wolf that I no longer wish to feed. It is the core of my shame and guilt, the black centre where my addiction lives and thrives. This is where those powerful, cunning, and baffling urges originate. This is where my ability to rationalize and justify all my bad behaviors resides. This is where my emotions come to be buried, pushed aside, and are ignored. This is where I lose sight of all that is around me, isolating from the world and reality. This is my toxic self. Yet, it is only a part of me, and like most things in this world, can only sustain itself if it is fed and given attention. This is why my focus in recovery is on new behaviours, new tools and methods for dealing with life, new rules and standards for me to follow, new Steps to lead the way. In living by my program, in working all that I put in my outer circle, the power of this shame core will diminish, restoring me to sanity, and freeing me to see and follow the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I can confront my shame, face the darkness within and find my way back into the light. The Steps and my brothers and sisters in the program can help me on this path.

August 19

”To rid ourselves of shadows – who we are- we must step into either total light or total darkness.” Jeremy Preston

There have been moments in my life when I have felt that life could only progress to one extreme or the other, either complete and total immersion into my addiction, a transformation into my darkest self, or a trip in the other direction to completely shed me of the evil skin that coated all I did and all I was. In these moments I was often at my worst, in my lowest state, unable to find much hope of a return to normalcy. In recovery I can see more clearly that things are not simply black or white, but most often a variety of shades. Extremes are not usually healthy, for good or for worse, but life is more fluid and its ok that things fluctuate within a spectrum. The trick is to neither succumb to my addictive behaviours nor try to shut them out completely. It is more about learning to accept myself as I am, the black, the white, and the multiple shades of gray in between. My goal is not to rid myself of my shadow – like everything else about me it serves a purpose. While it took a more predominant place in my life than it should have, I am working to put it into perspective. My shadow today reminds me of why I am in recovery, why I work my program, and allows me to reflect on how different things have become. I can accept it as an integral part of me, but do not have to be led by it any longer.

Affirmation In time the power of my shadow of my addiction will diminish as I focus on the 12-Steps and my recovery.

September 26

”It takes a long time to bring excellence to maturity.” Publilius Syrus

It’s a funny way to think about it, but in my own way I perfected being an addict. Getting all my rituals down to a science, planning what to do, what to say, or how to manipulate to get time alone. Things that used to take hours of planning and preparation could take place in a matter of minutes. Wow! Here is a place that in my recovery I can find positives from negatives. All those skills of planning and preparation are useful for my day-to-day life. What an opportunity to put them to better use! It’s hard acknowledging that I have abused myself throughout this process. Skills and abilities meant to help nurture me and grow were twisted to isolate and stunt my maturity. Recovery is in part about finding the healthy ways to use the natural talents that my Higher Power gave to me to have a positive influence on my life and the world around me. I know well that one of mine is writing…the continuing pages of my meditations are a constant reminder and so much healthier than the sexual fantasies I used to write. My path to emotional and spiritual maturity continues. There are constant roadblocks and challenges, but I have faith in the God of my understanding and in the tools He has given me to overcome them, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation By the will of my Higher Power, I can turn anything around, and find better ways to use my skills to promote living in the present.