January 18

”Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness.” Jean Vanier

My addiction became the largest part of my defense mechanism. I was the wall I built to protect me from my suffering, my defects and my weaknesses. The intentions were good in the beginning, when I was younger and didn’t know a better way. But because it became the primary method of dealing with most anything in life, I didn’t live fully. I spent my time hiding, pushing emotions inside and burying. There was no room to accept how life affected me. What was once a protective barrier had become an all-consuming entity that was destroying me. Recovery has a great deal to do with acceptance. I have to accept me as I am. That means accepting all that has happened to bring me to today. It also means that I need to take time to face all the things I put away in the closet and didn’t give myself permission to feel. It means becoming willing to let go of those aspects of myself that no longer serve their purpose. I am learning to accept my weaknesses, along with my strengths in equal measure. In getting to know myself once again, wholly, I open the path to growth and nurturing.

Affirmation There will come a time when I need to let go of things from my childhood which no longer work for me as an adult. I am willing to take this mature step forward.

October 26

”Just because someone has a lot to teach us doesn't mean we like them.  People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions.  They show us our walls.” Marianne Williamson

I’d actually go a step further, and suggest that the people who have the most to teach me are the ones I like the least. This is mostly due to the fact that they see through me defenses and persist in challenging me to confront myself and my real issues. They are not willing to put up with my BS, they are genuinely interested in helping me get better Maybe I am being a bit too hard on these folks. It’s true in the beginning that I dislike them, but as I face my fears, confront the challenges, and allow myself to hear and respond to their criticism, I have learned to appreciate and respect them. I have certainly needed tough love like this to make it through various stages of my life, and certainly my recovery. The walls of my defenses were built to protect me when I didn’t know how to handle life differently. Now that I am learning new methods of coping with the stresses of life, the pain of emotional conflict, and my addiction, the walls are coming down, brick by brick.

Affirmation I am grateful for those people who are willing to tell me like it is and push me to confront my problems. Recovery is tough, and tough love is required.

March 25

”Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing that separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link.” Simone Weil

We all have our own defense systems. Normally we have gradually built a wall, over the years, to protect ourselves and so we can survive the barrage of things that hurt us. Our wall may be in the attitudes and behaviours we keep, the situations we engage in or avoid, the fact that we become very angry outwardly or suffer in solitude. Our walls often protect us from our shortcomings, feelings we have buried and refused to face and come to terms with. These can be based on anger, resentment, fear, hurt, loneliness, self-pity, jealousy, pride, envy or any number of other emotions. But if we can have the courage to share these through working Steps 7 and 8, by journaling, writing letters about our feelings, sharing with our sponsor or by some other means, we can begin to remove bricks from our walls and become more open to our Higher Power and others.

Affirmation My wall of defenses has served a useful purpose but I can examine it to remove things from the past that I need to let go.