October 22

”Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” Zig Ziglar

One of my personal triggers is travel. Being away from the familiar increases my stress because I feel less secure, more uncomfortable, and do not relish being alone. It is that fear of being along that comes out the strongest. I think that is from years of my acting out where all that activity kept me from spending quiet moments with myself where I could hear my internal thoughts which would have led to me seeing the conflict my actions were creating. I had to keep busy, keep making noise, so that those thoughts of wrongness would not escape the chaos and register in my head. Life is indeed a journey. I cannot go back to those earlier years and take the time to slow down and listen to the turmoil I was creating and choose to instead listen. I can choose, however, to listen to those thoughts and feelings now, to recognize the moments of discomfort when life feels incongruous. These are times where I need to pay closer attention and check if my thoughts, words and actions are aligned.

Affirmation In denying parts of myself, in avoiding listening fully to how I feel, I cut out important parts of my being. I will find time today to sit quietly and pay attention to my inner monologue.

August 30

”If someone is in your life, it is because they have a gift for you, and you have a gift for them.” Robert Holden, Ph.D.

I do believe, as I have always believed, that everything happens for a reason. I may have formerly attributed this to fate, or the will of the universe, but today I believe it to be the will of the God of my understanding. Regardless of what I believe, I do know that the people who are in my life are there because I have something to learn from them, and hopefully something I can share in return. I believe this to be true not only of those people who I would say have a more positive effect in my life, but equally true of the detractors. In some ways I think those that I would rather see in a negative light often have a lot more to offer to me, more that I am expected to experience and grow from while they are part of my life. I am realizing that often, if not always, the people that I seem to struggle having in my life are that way because it reflects my own defaults of character. My life is influenced by everyone around me. In turn, I too influence the lives of those who touch my own. In the past I didn’t recognize this relationship, and frankly would not likely even have cared if I had. Today, however, I am aware and that gives me a certain responsibility to try and be a positive influence in the lives of others. And to be aware when I am someone else’s detractor and work at changing that.

Affirmation We are all connected, each a player in the lives of those around us. As a child of my Higher Power, I will strive to treat all my siblings well.

July 17

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I don’t like making mistakes. And the only thing I like worse than making one, is admitting it. Yet it is the admittance of the mistake, and not the fact that I made it, where the opportunity for growth lays hidden. In owning up for the errors of my ways, my imperfections, I gain insight and valuable experience, and the chance to try again. I cannot imagine a life spent doing nothing. It would be boring, stagnant, and very long. Life is about purpose and exploration, curiosity and discovery, in trial and, yup you guessed it, error. I am part of this imperfect species known as the human race. I don’t know all the answers even if I might say or act as though I do sometimes. I am simply blundering along as best I can, trying not to really foul things up. Being a recovering addict continues to be a humbling experience. Taking the long hard looks in the mirror has forced me to reconcile with myself and my inner demons, to accept myself wholly, strengths and faults alike. It is in this self-awareness that I can seek balance, that I can find serenity within, and find the ways to let my Higher Power guide me.

Affirmation In seeking I will find, and there are no better opportunities to see myself than by looking at my mistakes and growing from them.

June 9

”We teach others how to treat us.” Anonymous

I recall that from my early years I never really felt like I fit in, that I was never one of the crowd. In my teens I wrote a lot of poetry, and most of it was about my teen angst and depression. One poem that still comes easily to mind was titled Nobody, with one of the key lines being, “but who really cares about a nobody like me.” It’s only been in my recovery that I have begun to question how much of that attitude was deserved or received by others, and how much it was exactly what I wanted to project to keep others at a distance. Being alone, consider a loner, was certainly beneficial to my addiction that was laying its foundation in me in those years. Not having anyone that could get too close to me enable me to begin building my double-life. I used to blame it on my academics, but I think it was an aura that I was subconsciously emitting to push people away. This is a character defect that I am asking my Higher Power to help me with, to stop portraying the mask that I would rather be on my own, when the opposite is the truth. I know that I want and need closeness, real intimacy in my relations with my family, my friends and that special someone that I want to share my life with. I want to re-teach others how I want, and now know, that I deserve to be treated.

Affirmation I am gaining awareness of all the ways, obvious and subtle, that I have isolated myself from reality. God help me stay present and connected to life.

November 27 (67)

”The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.” Thomas Szasz

I have had a similar realization in my own recovery. I feel that I am blessed in having lived through my addiction and having faced the worst and darkest parts of myself. Today in recovery I have the opportunity, offered by the grace of God, to choose how I want to live, the kind of person I want to be. It is less about becoming someone new or finding my true self as it is simply in choosing the parts of my life that lift me up, that lead me in following the path that my Higher Power has lain before me, that support my values, beliefs and ethics. My journey of recovery is about recreating the person I want to be, discarding my defects of character with the help of the God of my understanding, seeking forgiveness and making amends – changing the ways I used to live for better ones. I am growing spiritually and emotionally and finding serenity in my recovery. Each day I have the choice to decide who I want to be, the old me that lived under the influence of my sex addiction, or the new me who lives in recovery under the influence of my Higher Power. One is a life of stagnation and repetition, the other of hope and creation. Which will I choose?

Affirmation Each day holds a new choice, a new chance to be the individual I was meant to be, filled with goodness and infinite potential.

June 29

”I praise loudly; I blame softly” Catherine the Second

This is certainly a lesson I still need to work on. For too many years I have done the opposite, blamed loudly and praised softly – if at all. I know part of that comes from my family of origin and always feeling like I had to deliver perfection. My faults and my mistakes have always seemed bigger and more prominent than my achievements. I guess in some ways it comes more naturally for me to treat others in the same fashion as a result. This is certainly a defect of character that I will need to work at turning over to my Higher Power. As I gain awareness of my own positive traits and strengths I also need to take the similar steps in treating others better. Especially with my kids, I know too well ho that treatment affected the impressionable child that I was. I am trying to learn not to blame others at all. First and foremost I need to be honest and take responsibility for my own actions. And rather than laying blame I know look to express my feelings about how the actions of others affect me and then seek to forgive them. There is a power and freedom in this new way of living that I could never have imagined.

Affirmation Today I will seek opportunities to praise, and to forgive rather than blame.

June 20

”There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” Beverly Sills

Recovery is hard work. It is not easy to confront myself, to revisit the past, my mistakes, and face my shortcomings. Being open and willing to change takes effort and energy. There are many days I wake and feel the burden of my journey as a cross that I need to carry. But I also have faith that I will perservere through this suffering and come out the other side a better person. I know that my journey is not a solitary one. While I need to make the changes myself, I have discovered a new family in the program that is ready and willing to lend their support and experience to help me along the way. As much as I would love for there to be a quick and easy way, a pill to take, a button to push, I know that change is a process that needs the time it will take. I can see in my experience and that of my fellow members that the road to anywhere worth going is often treacherous. I know too well where the easy road led me and I no longer wish to follow that route and lose myself along the way. The adversity I face will help me to rebuild my character and in the end I will be better for the trip.

Affirmation Today I will pursue the difficult path that will lead me to a better place.

June 12

”How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment to improve the world.” Anne Frank

The quote above reminds me of another which I really appreciate “Each moment is a gift, that is why it’s called the present” I believe that we truly do have the power to make the world a better place, right here, right this instant. No matter how big or small the impact, I can improve my surroundings. It starts simply with me making changes to be a better person and live a better life. I still struggle in surrendering those things that are not within my power to control. Most days it is easier to let go of things from the distant past than those that have happened to me recently. I guess that is probably normal; recent events are more powerful and do need some time to be processed and to feel their full effect. My primary focus in recovery is always to work on myself. The best place for me to effect change is in my behaviours, attitudes and outlook. As I let go of my defects of character, I become a more useful person to my family, to my workplace, and to my community at large. The power for me to start down that new path exists within me and I can choose to begin right now.

Affirmation Today I will look at the changes I can make to start making a difference in the world.

April 20

”The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials.” Chinese Proverb

It’s not easy facing some of the consequences of our addictive past. Whereas we used to hide from our problems and the realities of life by turning to our addiction, in recover we’re forced to meet things head-on. And I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not the most pleasant nor welcome prospect. However in recovery one of my mains goals is to deal with life on life’s terms. I need to accept the consequences of my actions, past and present. I have done a lot of damage and hurt many people through the things I have done and said, and through what I have neglected to say or do as well. I need to face each situation and potential confrontation with the attitude and belief that I am living as a better person and able to accept my responsibility. I have not been perfect in the past, nor do I expect to be in the future, but I am prepared to do my best to make things work in the present. It’s humbling to admit our faults, to own up to our mistakes and to be willing to correct our errors. Doing so with the knowledge of the support of our High Power builds us up.

Affirmation Today I will face the challenges of life with my Higher Power by my side. My best is good enough.

April 13

”Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.” Arabic Parable

Many of us will be the first to admit that we are our own worst critic. We have become experts in determining our own defects of character, lapses of judgement and mistakes. Yet we struggle to recognize, let alone express gratitude, for all the good in our life, our talents and achievements. There are many tools for us to use to improve our positive thinking: daily meditation and prayer, using affirmations spoken in front of the mirror, reading daily reflections, developing a personal mantra. We need to teach ourselves that it is more than okay to like ourselves, to allow ourselves to receive self-love as for many it is something we have lacked since childhood. In taking care of ourselves we continue in our recovery and develop those traits that we can give freely to those who need them. We will grow spiritually as our love and ability to forgive ourselves and others improves.

Affirmation I will look for the positive in what I say and do today. It is okay for me to accept a well-deserved pat on the back, even if it has to be me who gives it.

April 12

”The brook would lose its song if we removed the rocks.” Anonymous

I used to think that removing my faults, getting rid of old bad feelings and hurt would upset the balance of who I am. I am learning today that this is not the case; in accepting my past I am not condoning the bad things that I have experienced. Rather I am transferring the negative feelings back to the person they belong to, and allowing my Higher Power to deal with the situation and consequences rather than giving away control over myself. The song in the brook is never constant. The flow of water is faster in the spring and dwindles during the heat of summer. Many external influences outside its control will change the shape and the texture of the music. Yet all things are simply accepted and the brook maintains a harmony that can still be enjoyed and cherished. So to with myself, I need to accept these things I cannot change. Yet doing so does not diminish my ability to maintain harmony and serenity.

Affirmation Today I can let go of the past, accept things for the way they are and still rejoice in the strength of my song.

March 25

”Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing that separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link.” Simone Weil

We all have our own defense systems. Normally we have gradually built a wall, over the years, to protect ourselves and so we can survive the barrage of things that hurt us. Our wall may be in the attitudes and behaviours we keep, the situations we engage in or avoid, the fact that we become very angry outwardly or suffer in solitude. Our walls often protect us from our shortcomings, feelings we have buried and refused to face and come to terms with. These can be based on anger, resentment, fear, hurt, loneliness, self-pity, jealousy, pride, envy or any number of other emotions. But if we can have the courage to share these through working Steps 7 and 8, by journaling, writing letters about our feelings, sharing with our sponsor or by some other means, we can begin to remove bricks from our walls and become more open to our Higher Power and others.

Affirmation My wall of defenses has served a useful purpose but I can examine it to remove things from the past that I need to let go.