April 25

”You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Walt Disney

I used to think Hollywood movies only had the purpose to entertain, to fill a screen with mindless pictures and sound for a couple hours to distract us. And while that may be true of some films, certainly some genres more than others, many films do have depth and important messages that I am better able to see. There are many lessons of life, and authors, poets, artists of all kinds use their medium and talent to share those with the rest of the world. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I need to see the same movie or painting a few dozen times before the message comes through. Yet I am aware why certain things have a draw that keeps me going back to them, that there are messages within that resonate to my beliefs and values. One of the many lessons I have learned through literature and movies is that my past, no matter how dark or devastating it may have been at times, can be overcome. My potential to do great things is not limited because of where I came from, or what I have experienced. To the contrary, much of that can serve as motivation to propel me to make the world so much better because of how I suffered. So I can be grateful for that kick in the teeth, today at least.

Affirmation

With growing awareness I will find messages of hope and strength all around me. I need to simply keep looking and there they will be.

June 21

”I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Bill Cosby

I remember the reaction from one counsellor on hearing me divulge that I was a sex addict for the first time. He looked me square in the eyes and said, “So you have boundary issues do you.” In less than 3 seconds he neatly summarized years of behaviour. Of course it took me much longer to apply this against my previous actions. In the end thought, that observation has applied to most of my acting out, and even middle circle behaviours. Many of my downward spirals simply kept pushing my limits, the boundaries of my morals and values. Not only did I breach my own trust, I also brought others along for the ride. I have taken innocent situations and obsessed about them until I was convinced they meant way more than intended. I have taken a harmless glance and turned into an invitation for a one-night stand. My addict has done little to allow me to see clearly, always distorting reality in the attempt to make me fulfill my sexual desires. Some of my motivation was to try and please others, to fit in and be accepted. In recovery today I am establishing healthy boundaries for myself and learning to accept and respect those of others. I know that in my fellowship I am accepted simply as I am, I have no need to pretend to be someone or something else. And that suits me just fine.

Affirmation Today I focus on respecting my boundaries as well as those of others. I need to be clear on where I stand and differentiate my needs from my wants.