November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.

February 1

“Do nothing secretly; for Time sees and hears all things, and discloses all.” Sophocles

One of the first harsh realities we have to face as addicts is that we have been dishonest – we have lied to our families, friends, colleagues and most importantly ourselves. Taking that first step in admitting we have a problem, that we are indeed addicts, starts us on the road to living more authentic lives. Our ultimate goal is simply this, to be at a point where what we think, what we say and what we do are all in agreement and harmony with each other. We’ve likely learned from past experience that our secrets eventually catch up with us; we will be found out or slip-up in keeping our addiction hidden. Rather than needing to deal with the shame, regret and all the other negative feelings that accompany being secretive, we can learn to be open about where we are and how we are doing. Sharing in this way with our group and sponsor frees us from the burden of carrying our secrets and covering our tracks and enables us to move into recovery.

Affirmation Today I will be honest with myself, and the truth shall set me free.