September 14

”A hug is a smile with arms, a laugh with a stronger grip.” Terri Guillemets

There is a special power in a physical and intimate connection with another human being. I used to think this only meant a sexual connection, but I am beginning to see there are many different shades of intimacy. I have been able to establish friendships with members of the opposite sex, without fear of attraction or crossing the line. At the same time, I have also been working on developing closer relationships with people of the same sex, and finally moving behind the casual into deeper connections where we can discuss very personal things. I have many good friends now, and I have more and more opportunities to be hugged. There is a lot involved in a good hug, and I can sense the other person’s authenticity, caring, strength and love. I try to focus on similar things so that they are shared and felt by the person I am hugging. It is a transfer of energy, and a building of closeness. It is another reminder that I am not alone. And even if I am alone, well, I can always hug myself. I experienced a workshop activity where I was given an opportunity to do some reconciliation with my inner child. During the process, because it felt like the right thing to do, I hugged myself and gentle caressed my own face and ran my fingers through my hair. It was a unique experience in taking the time to appreciate myself, and give some much needed self-care in a way I have never done. It was also a reminder that I need to love myself and take care of all my aspects, and that I don’t, and shouldn’t, have to rely on others to meet my needs all the time.

Affirmation

Intimacy is something that can be learned. I need to learn to be intimate with myself, and intimate in other ways than just sexually with others.

July 29

”A mountain is composed of tiny grains of earth. The ocean is made up of tiny drops of water. Even so, life is but an endless series of little details, actions, speeches, and thoughts. And the consequences whether good or bad of even the least of them are far-reaching.” Swami Sivananda

There are some painful consequences to my years of acting out that I am only beginning to recognize. One of them which is fresh and hurtful has to deal with my sex life directly. I’ve only recently notices that my obsession has affected my brain’s ability to store memories related to sex, be the good, bad or indifferent. Thus I face a new challenge as I am in a good, healthy relationship with a loving and caring partner. It’s just now sinking in that my brain is short-circuited in storing the events of our sex life, even really the great moments. This is not something that is helpful in trying to build healthy sexual memories to counteract all the poor ones from the past. Instead, these new memories are treated the same as all the others, lumped into the same group and given little priority as something worth remembering. I find this a sad and discouraging after-effect of my former behaviours. So I am trying something new to teach my head to take note of the positive, extraordinary experiences. After the fact, I am taking a few minutes to consciously recall what has just taken place and how I am feeling to try and coerce my brain that this moment is worth remembering. It kinda sucks that that I have to take this extra effort to engrave these good memories, and that I have to admit that there are things that are broken. Just another consequence yet one I hope with time that it too can be improved.

Affirmation

There will be many challenges to face as I progress in my recovery, and I must be willing to stand up to each one to the best of my ability.

July 17

”Sex is emotion in motion.” Mae West

I am starting to question what sex, or the act of making love, means to me and how it might differ from my partner’s views. There are some obvious answers her, that it’s a means to procreate, it’s an act of intimacy and that it is a physical/emotional/psychological release of energy. But going to a deeper, but maybe simpler view – What purpose does it have in my relationships? So why do I have sex? Part of the answer is that it’s pleasurable, both for me and my partner. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, as I assume my partner does as well. It is a part of intimacy, which for me is about bringing two people closer together. It is an act of vulnerability and a place where we can connect in a deep and personal way with each other, in many different senses. It is sometimes part of reconciliation after a disagreement or argument. And even occasionally a reward or present as part of a special occasion like an anniversary or holiday event. This still doesn’t answer the whole picture of what it does though. It can build trust and strengthen my relationship. It is yet another aspect of my partner where I can learn likes and dislikes, and share my own. It can be a place to heal wounds from the past. It can also be a place of creativity and wonder. When I am in a good place, sex can be a healthy component of my life. It will enhance my connection to my partner and be part of our quality time together. It nurtures the physical, spiritual and emotional portions of our lives.

Affirmation

Sex is an essential part of being a couple, and it is something to be cherished, respected and appreciated.

February 23

”It is strange that those we miss the most are those we take for granted.” Sir John Betjeman

This is one area that I am working on not repeating in my life. It was in taking those closest to me for granted that I was able to so deeply fall into my addiction and ignore the best things in my life. And this lack of attention led to me losing some of the people that I cared deeply about. I know I used to escape my feelings of loss, abandon and rejection. I didn’t want to feel like I was missing people that were important to me, and I sought refuge in my acting out. It’s hard looking back, knowing that this behaviour is w.hat ultimately caused me to lose the people I didn’t want to miss. So recovery is teaching me to experience my feelings. The simple fact that I miss someone doesn’t mean than they are rejecting or abandoning me. It is a sign of them caring for me, and also of how much they mean to me. These are good things, and good reminders that it is great for me to have intimate relationships. I know much better what I risk losing by taking others for granted

Affirmation The one thing I cannot afford to take for granted is the fact that I am today, like yesterday and tomorrow, an addict. Remembering this allows me to focus on being in recovery.

August 29

”To acknowledge love is to increase its capacity to heal us; to ignore love is to let it slip away.” Marianne Williamson

I used to think I knew what love was, that I understood what it meant to connect with someone and to have that someone share in my life. Yet I was not capable of fully comprehending this, not in my addiction when I had so great a secret that I was carrying with me at the same time. To be that intimate with someone requires brutal honesty, and I was certainly not very truthful during that time. I did let love slip away, in many relationships, not just that with my wife, but with my kids, my parents, my sister, everyone who was closest to me. The love I thought I was seeking turned out to be only lust, a base, carnal, physical need without any depth or true intimacy. It consumed me and drove me into myself and away from the people and things that truly mattered in my life. And it certainly distanced me from any kind of healthy Higher Power as well. I am beginning to see what love really is, the unconditional kind. It is not about what I can get in return, but what I have to offer, freely and without expectation. Love is not only an emotion, a connection, but a choice. It is because of the grace of my Higher Power that I have found love to share, not only with those who are important but everyone I meet for we are all cut from the same cloth.

Affirmation True love is a gift meant to be shared freely, without the condition of receiving anything in return. I choose to share my love because I have it to give.

3 June

”It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. LeGuin

Starting a new relationship has been the start of a new leg of my journey. This is a path where I could not imagine what the future would or could hold as it began. But as time goes on I am beginning to be able to see things I would like to see happen in the future. Yet I have to be cautious about focusing too much on the future as it can take me away from the present. A new romantic relationship is a complicated endeavour of its own accord. Add in children on both sides of the equation, and it quickly can seem overwhelming. It is taking a good deal of effort on my own part to continue living day by day, and keeping my awareness of all the people involved, not only my own selfish interests. I am grateful to be developing a relationship with a person who I am totally honest with, who supports me in my recovery and especially in my spirituality. I am thankful that my Higher Power has brought this person into my life and that I am working at growing a healthy connection with another person. All this change within from the steps has crossed boundaries in how I can tackle this new intimacy. The adventure awaits!

Affirmation There is much for me to learn in all that is new, and I will be willing to move slowly and enjoy the ride, rather than wanting to fast-forward to the ending.

March 3

”For a few hours we call night it seems to be gone, but it is still shiningly there and will reappear on the morrow. Storms may darken the sky at noonday, but the sun is still there and will soon break through.” Neal A. Maxwell

My current partner asked me recently how my sex life was now compared to when I was in my addiction. My first reaction was that it was like night and day. I reflected on this and began to see that my comparison was more accurate than I first imagined. Sex from my compulsive acting out is like looking around at night in the darkness. Colors were muted, details were lost, and things were but a shadow of their real form. This describes many of my sexual encounters that were shallow, with no deeper connection or meaning to them. Although my addict knew the true shape and substance of everything, what I experienced was but a ghostly image of what was really there. My healthier sexual relations today are much more like the daytime. Colors are vibrant, details are sharp and clear, and I am able to see and appreciate things for what they are. I am able to viewthe many nuances of life, and connect with all my senses to the world around me. All this has helped me discover a new level of intimacy that I can share with my special someone.

Affirmation I will embrace true intimacy and develop healthy sexual relationships as I learn to connect with all my senses.

December 2 (62)

”When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personalities over character.” W. Somerset Maugham

Letting go of past relationships as I move forward in my recovery has been challenging to say the least. Nowhere has this been more apparent than in my marriage, which unfortunately did not survive my exploits from my acting out. The more I have learned about myself, the more I have realized how much I neglected my former spouse, how much the addiction replaced the love and intimacy and broke apart a relationship that part of me truly wanted to work. Moving forward into life being single after more than a decade of being half a couple has been a transition that I face with mixed emotions. Letting go of someone I love is not as easy nor quick journey. Nor have I fully prepared myself to find someone else. Matters of the heart have never integrated well with my addiction, but I have hopes that my new awareness will carry me far as long as I am working to be in recovery today. I do have an opportunity to learn from my past and I am certainly better prepared to look for people of character to become a part of my life. I may have short-changed others in the past, but in doing so I also short-changed myself. I am worth more and deserve to find true friends to share in my life.

Affirmation I can move forward from the most broken relationships. I am capable and deserving of ones that are real, honest and loving.

September 10

”All the water in the world cannot drown you – unless it gets inside.” Mary Manin Boggs

Determining the sexual activities that I can keep in my life that are healthy has been a challenging endeavour. Working with my sponsor and filling out my circles has certainly helped to put things into perspective. All that groundwork has been useful in looking at sexual activities as I enter into a new relationship. I am able to recognize pitfalls and old behaviours, and be open and honest with my new partner. My sexual intimacy is deeper because of the knowledge and awareness I have gained through reading and internal reflection over the past months. It no longer has a stranglehold grip on my life, the compulsion has greatly diminished. I am able to let my partner set the tone and pace. I am able to set my own boundaries and respect those of my partner. This part of my life is being reintegrated in the whole me, rather than being the predominant aspect of my double life. I never expected to be able to experience a healthy sexual relationship again, not with myself and certainly not with someone else. The miracle of being where I am today has not escaped me and I am grateful to SAA for having guided me back to my Higher Power and this new life.

Affirmation I will find a healthy sexuality and be able to express it and share it with someone else.

July 24

”All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lovely action.” James Russell Lowell

Through my separation with my spouse one of the challenges has been not only staying connected physically, emotionally and spiritually, but also in reconnecting to those aspects which were damaged by my acting out. This has probably been most apparent in our intimate connections, communication, sharing of feelings and of course physical intimacy. I have never been a great communicator, especially when I need to share my feelings. I have always been better at writing things down in a letter or email…but it is less personal and can easily be misinterpreted. A new method I am trying is to still write down what I need to share, but to read it aloud, in person or over the phone, so I can get and give feedback. While living apart, physical intimacy has certainly been more difficult to incorporate into our relationship. Yet this time has helped me gain awareness of the things that I truly miss. In being absent I know all the little routine things that I find lacking like hugs, cuddling, back rubs, sitting together in front of the TV…and all the small idiosyncrasies that remind me of my spouse and why I cherish them.

Affirmation I believe that absence can make the heart grow fonder and I know my actions in treating my spouse with love and respect will speak volumes.