May 5

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."  Terry Pratchett

Some say that change is the only constant. I suppose, from a strict scientific look at the world, this is true. Everything is constantly in motion, constantly under the forces of the universe. But as a rational human being, there are times where I would disagree, where I would feel like I am stagnating, frozen in time. Those feelings of being immutable, unchanging, are more a reflection of my thoughts and feelings, my state of mind. They are not fully based on reality. In fact, it requires a conscious ignorance of my surroundings and noticing that things are indeed changing. I have merely chosen for a period of time to ignore this fact. The world moves on whether or not I decide to be aware of what is occurring. They say you can never come home again. I think the above quote accurately contradicts this idea. You can indeed go home again, but you will not be the same person you where when you left. Nor will the others who remained be the same. We are all constantly changing, adapting, and hopefully growing. Our influence lies in guiding what type of change has happened, has it been positive and nurturing, or has it not? That is the heart of the matter.

Affirmation

I will take time to notice the change around me, and choose to be an active participant rather than a spectator on the sideline.

March 31

"In the struggle between the stone and water, in time, the water wins.” Japanese Proverb

I  have been known to be resistant to change. I have been like the stone, rooted in place, firm, and unmoving. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, these were my shell, my defense, my excuse to avoid change. Or, to even admit that there was a need for change in the first place.    That was then and this is now. The work I am doing in recovery, the path I am taking as I learn about and work the 12 Steps, continues to show me that I need to be open to change. I am spending time unlearning lessons from the past. I need to shed these old beliefs and habits so that I can make new for better, healthier ones.     I am less like the stone and now more fluid like the water. I see change happening around me and to me, and I am more accepting of it. I am learning to accept that life is not rigid, but ever-changing, and this is what is normal. I am no longer inclined to try to freeze things to satisfy the needs of my addiction.

Affirmation

Changes are a natural part of the world; today I shall work at being flexible like water and not rigid as stone.

October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

August 17

”Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” Alexander Graham Bell

Being in recovery requires concentration. This is a new way of living, and in many respects it is quite different from how I lived my life for many years. Therefore it does not come naturally or instinctively to recognize my feelings, to notice triggers, or to stay focused on the present moment. The best I can equate it to is learning a new language, that my head needs to learn to think “in recovery”, that I need to grasp the grammar of the steps so that I can act in ways that support my program. This is no easy task. And it was hardest in the beginning, when everything was new. Yet it has eased over time, gradually I have been able to form new habits, make tools and behaviours feel more normal. But I can still remember those initial moments when most things felt awkward and forced. But that is because they were. Changing fundamental parts of me is not pleasant, it goes against the normal of how things have always been. This is not something I managed to do totally of my own accord. I needed a support network, others in recovery, friends and family, to help encourage me to continue down this new path. The unfamiliar territory was a little scary at first, but I knew the old path was even worse. The risk has been worth it, even though the discomfort was there. Discomfort for me now means change, and change has been a positive in my life in recent years. I am slowly shedding the skin of my addiction and letting my true colours come to light. It’s an effort of concentration and focus well worth the pursuit.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning experience. It requires my time, energy and dedication to become an integral part of me, but the reward is well worth my efforts.

July 23

”Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.” Elizabeth Harrison

Part of my transformation has involved re-evaluating the people who I have stayed close to since finding recovery. It helps to be with good people, those who are positive, who are making progress in their own lives, and who walk the talk. This applies to my “normal” life as much as it does to my recovery life. The more supportive my network of people, the better I set myself up for success. This also means I need to take a hard look at myself. How well am I doing at being gentle with myself?  Or am I putting myself down for my mistakes, past or present? Am I focusing on the negative? Or am I actively seeking to build myself up with my thoughts and self-talk? How am I with others? Am I quick to criticize? Or I am quicker to encourage? Many of the answers to these questions are within my ability to influence. I can choose who I hang around. I can decide the attitude I carry with me I can choose how I see the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror. These are all pieces of being in recovery, of uncovering the better person that lies within. It is about actively participating in the changes that I want to see in the world by starting with me, myself, and I.

Affirmation

I will do my part in making the world a better place today by being a better person, and portraying the qualities that I wish to see.

July 21

”Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” Jim Rohn

Working my program is, in large part, about discipline. One of the things that I lacked, was a healthy sense of discipline, during my active acting out. All too often my life was controlled by whims and desires, seeking instant gratification whenever and wherever the urge arose. There was little that resembled any self-restraint. My life was more a mix of periods of quiet interspersed with periods of chaos. Therefore one of the tasks in my early recovery was to re-establish a routine, with healthy checks and balances and early warning devices to help keep me on track. It was about taking the steps and my outer circle activities and incorporating them into my life. In order to change my problematic lifestyle, I needed to find better ways to cope with the daily challenges I faced. This was about creating new and better habits to change who I was fundamentally. If I look back now, really this was about going through the junk drawer of habits and behaviours and throwing out the ones that I had been holding onto for too long, but that were expired and not very useful. I had to do that clean-up work in order to make room for the new and improved ways of handling life events. This is all part of the process, and it can be difficult to work through, because all those old ways are comfortable and known, they come with no surprises. But the recognition that they are destructive rather than helpful assisted in my willingness to let them go.

Affirmation

Establishing discipline in my new behaviours is the foundation for allowing me to work towards new goals.

July 19

”Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fall in order to practice being brave.” Mary Tyler Moore

Not much in life is achieved without trying. Trying to do something new means opening myself to the risk of failure. With failure comes rejection, disappointment, pain and even shame. But I also recognize that these negatives are, and should, become the fuel for change, perseverance and another try. Taking chances is a requirement for growth. I like the line from the movie “We Bought A Zoo” that sometimes all it takes in life is 20 seconds of insane courage to experience something wonderful. Getting up the nerve to confront my fears, to be momentarily brave, is usually worth more in the long term than the worry of pain or embarrassment or whatever was holding me back in the first place. Like Nike’s famous slogan, sometimes I have to just “Do It.” Pain and suffering are teachers. I like to think, at least most of the time, that the more I have suffered, the more that there is growth and a better path that awaits me as I learn from my past mistakes. This is simply part of the process as I transform into the new and improved me, scars and all.

Affirmation

I will look at those things that are bothering me today, not as something to worry about, but as a source to move in a better, brighter, saner direction. I am worth it!

May 1

”Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for when you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let that steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Suffering serves a purpose. I have witnessed this in my own recovery, and in that of others. Sometimes we need to face situations of pain and hurt in order to move forward. I have needed to be broken and stripped of my old ways in order to be ready to be rebuilt anew. It is only by shedding my old skin that I can be given a new and different one. I must be willing to let go of the shackles that bind me to the past. Change is a painful process. It is part of the cycle of grieving. I have to say goodbye to something, experience the loss, then grow to embrace the new change and accept it into my life. I need to deal with my feelings through this period of loss, rejection, anger, frustration, acceptance and contentment. It requires faith on my part that something better is awaiting me on the other side. Based on my own experience and beliefs, my Higher Power only wants what is good for me. Therefore anything that needs to be taken away will be replaced with something better. This fact doesn’t always console me or dissolve my initial reluctance to changes, but I am becoming more accepting of new and different things and trusting in my Higher Power to let go of older ones.

Affirmation

The trials I face today are part of the change process to mold me into a better person, and there are good things awaiting me at the end.

April 27

”The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good.” Brian Tracy

Life is full, I am so busy doing things these days I often wonder how I managed to keep up my addictive life. There are so many activities to fill my time, so much I want to experience, that I wonder why I thought putting all my effort into one stream of behaviour would make me happy. There is so much more potential in each day, each hour, and each moment that I am grateful I am no longer wasting them by feeding my addiction. It is wonderful to be connected to the world once again. To be part of the rhythm of nature, connected to the ebb and flow of the seasons, beginnings, endings and the transitions in between. To feel the surge of energy in the spring time, to rejoice in the return of the birds and their songs forgotten through the cold winter. To bask in the sun, feeling its warmth penetrating into my soul. To watch the leaves change to burnt yellow, fire orange and crimson red and fall to the ground as the trees prepare to sleep through the winter. To see the perfect snowflakes floating in the air, each unique like one of us, to build a snow man or fort, go skating or tobogganing, then warm myself around a fire with hot cocoa. Life is filled with thousands of small precious possibilities that I took for granted, tossed aside ungraciously as I slaved to fill the relentless desires of my addictive self. As I rediscover myself, fill my days with my outer circle behaviours and activities, the whole world is once again my playground. And I am like a kid again, just waiting for the next adventure.

Affirmation

Each moment is precious, a possibility for a small wonder to be experienced and cherished. May I accept each of these tiny gifts and make them a part of my recovery.

April 7

”Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” Isaac Asimov

Like everyone, I can get stuck in a rut of expecting certain people to act in certain ways because that’s just the way it is. It’s a stereotypical and even a little judgemental for me to do so, that there you have it, it’s one of my fallibilities as a human. Even though I am in recovery, changing myself and expecting that others should see the work and treat me differently, I don’t always afford others the same luxury. How very hypocritical of me indeed! So when someone does something “out of character” it usually takes me by surprise. Hopefully it’s a welcome surprise. In the past, I know I would have been suspicious of the sudden, good change but I can recognize that I am much more tolerant and accepting nowadays. I do believe in second (and third or fourth) chances for people. Things, and people, can and will change. I am grateful for the ability to experience this, and I know part of it has arisen through my growing ability to let o and not worry so much about other’s opinions. Focusing on me and what I need to change takes the pressure off trying to bend the rest of the world to my will. And washing away some of my assumptions certainly helps in making things look brighter.

Affirmation

It’s good for me to challenge my preconceptions and to open my views of the world. This is part of my healthy living.

February 11

”When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Victor Frankl

I find this a different perspective on the Serenity Prayer. So what I find myself in circumstances beyond my control, what am I left with? Me. I can always choose to change myself. Once again, here I discover some great words of wisdom to guide me. So here is yet another reminder to stop being a victim of my surroundings. Most of what happens around me is beyond my control or even my ability to influence. What I have a choice in is how I will decide to be, what attitude I will have, whether I will act or react, and how I choose to handle myself in given the situation life has presented to me. I do like the way the quote puts this, that “we are challenged to change ourselves.” I do think in most cases it is a challenge. I don’t usually welcome and openly embrace change. I’d rather go with the flow and keep things as they are. Change means work, a requirement to exert effort to make things different. It’s not comfortable and safe. But it’s what I need to continue to do in order to work my program and guard my serenity and sobriety.

Affirmation I accept the challenge of change. I accept that when it seems everything is against me, or there is nothing I can control, I always have the choice to change myself – my thoughts, attitude and actions.

December 8

”A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” George Bernard Shaw

Family means a lot of different things for me these days. It’s a reconnection to my parents after years of ignoring them. It’s a loss of family through my separation and divorce, and unfortunately some of my kids. It’s been an increased in time with some the rest of my children, and a relationship that is being nurtured and making up for past neglect. And it’s also newness as I have moved into a new partnership with additional children in the picture. So I suppose that I shouldn’t be too surprised to find my feelings a little mixed up most of the time. There have been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years, and family has been something central to those changes. I am content that in many respects, my family is moving towards a happier and stable aspect. Yet there are still moments it is bittersweet as I cannot forgot what was lost to bring me here. Change still means letting go of things, having the willingness to acknowledge that certain paths in my life have drawn to a close. Dealing with loss can still be a challenge, and relationships are something that have an emotional impact. Yet I know that in my recovery I am moving in a better direction in all my interactions and that I am a better person to share my life with others.

Affirmation Bonds can be strengthened or broken, but the ones that remain as I live my recovery can only benefit by my continuing work.

September 12

”Our only security is our ability to change.” John Lilly

I’ve never really equated change to a sense of security. I think I feel more insecure in periods of change, more apt to uncertainty of what will come to pass. I know the stress of change was one of my triggers of the past. I do see that this perception has been changing though. I realize that I am becoming a living model of the Serenity Prayer, and more accepting of the things I cannot change. One of those is certainly the fact that things are always changing around me. So in a way, realizing there is change is a good thing. Because, in comparison, living in addiction was a life of stagnation. There was no real change – it was the same thing, day in, day out. Maybe the flavour, or the amount of time spent, or some other factor was a little different, but there wasn’t any real diversity in my life. I guess that means that I can now see security in my ability to change, that it reflects the fact that I am healthier and more actively participating in life, rather than trying to freeze-frame moments as I used to do. Change is good, I don’t have to look back to far to see the proof of that in my own life.

Affirmation Life is a cycle of changes, and I am a part of that process. Being involved is healthy and normal.

January 23

”The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.” Corra Harris

God grant me...the courage to change the things I can. I continue to be amazed by the power and wisdom in that simple phrase. Somebody somewhere had a lot of insight to distil all the meaning that those few words imply. As I move through my journey of recovery and face change on a daily basis I am constantly reminded of how challenging it can be to do things differently. I know for a fact that I cannot do this on my own and that it is only by God’s grace, by His gift of courage that I can find sufficient bravery to step into the unknown time and time again. This is one of my biggest hurdles in my program, forcing myself a most every opportunity to stop doing what is comfortable, what I have grown accustomed to, and to try something completely different. I have more than enough experience and proof that my old ways, while they sufficed to some degree, have a list of side-effects that are way more detrimental than I can afford. My Higher Power is my new medicine and promises to restore me to sanity if I but surrender and trust in the process of the 12 Steps.

Affirmation Let me pray for courage, strength, love and patience today in case my own reserves are not enough. With my Higher Power’s help I can overcome any obstacles in my way.

January 14

”Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.” Erica Jong

I think we all have moments like this, where we know what it is we are supposed to do, but because it is a hard decision and it makes us uncomfortable, we ask someone else’s opinion, hoping for an easier way out. I find myself in spots like this all the time, certainly in trying to deal with the repercussions of my acting out behaviour. Repairing bridges and broken relationships is hard, unpleasant work most of the time. It is not easy accepting my part in what went wrong, even if I wasn’t really myself at the time. But part of the healing process requires that I accept the consequences of my behaviours, that I start becoming a living amends for the way things used to be and accept the responsibilities that are part of the life I lead right now. Taking the easy road might work, in the short term, but I have usually found that it just delays me until I come back to the same tough choice. Eventually, if I really want to make things different and move in a new direction, I have to find the courage to jump through the burning hoop of fire, and pray that I don’t get burned too badly. While it is a good idea to double-check my decisions with someone else, hoping for the easy way out is not something that usually is in my best interest. The goal is most often worth the struggle and effort that I need to exert to attain it.

Affirmation I am learning to accept the hard choices which are the right ones and to not to shy away because they require work. My Higher Power is always there to support me.

December 31

”In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

As another year draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on all that has happened. It has been a year of turmoil, challenge and adversity. But in the midst of all that, I have learned an enormous amount about myself. I have reconnected to my spiritual centre and I have changed and grown. As another member recently shared, it is through all those difficulties that my life has improved and so in truth I am grateful, although most of those times were not pleasant while I was right in the middle of them. The dawning of a new year holds 365 days of promise and hope for my life to continue in its current and better direction of recovery. I don’t know all that awaits me this year, but having survived the challenges of the present year with the aide of the tools of my recovery that I have learned, I know I am much better prepared to step into the coming year. I am learning to seek the opportunity in the challenges that life presents me. Rather than cowering and hiding from difficulties, I am opening myself to embrace them and to see the potential for growth and change. Look out world, here I come!

Affirmation I am learning to live and cope with life on life’s terms. The program is teaching me how to deal better with all life’s challenges.

November 18 (76)

”I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me.  But it tracks me as a I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” Rosamund Lupton

If I really want to move forward with my life, I need to be able to truly forgive the most important person in my life – myself. As long as I continue to drag the ugly shadow of my past, all my guilt and shame, with me, I will not make significant progress. Starting new things – moving to a new place, getting a new job, or making new friends – all these will give me a temporary reprieve from the burden of my past but I need to forgive myself and surrender what I cannot change to my Higher Power in order to progress in my recovery. Another aspect is that I am the sole cause of any guilt and shame I continue to carry. I am the one who has given the power to past situations to continue to haunt and detriment my present condition. Therefore it is only I who can decide to take back what I have given away and choose to focus on the better parts of my situation. Letting go of those negative aspects of my past and present gives me the opportunity to change and improve my character. Asking the God of my understanding to take away my character defects is a step in the right direction to a better way of living. Becoming an example of the changes I want to see in the world is a large part of my amends for all the damage I’ve done in the past and diminishes the power of my ugly shadow.

Affirmation My guilt and shame can only maintain power in my life as long as I choose to let them. I will let go of some today with the help of my Higher Power.

October 13

”After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” Samuel Rutherford

The bad thing about life is that it is always changing. As much as I would like things to stay still, to freeze time at those points where I am happy and content, it simply doesn’t happen. Life keeps marching merrily along to its own beat, fulfilling some unseen design. The good thing about life is that it is always changing. I will get stuck in ruts and go through rough patches. There will be times when I am sad, feel blue, get ill or I am simply in a foul mood. These things will pass as life continues its journey all around me. My choice in the matter is how I want to travel along the river of life.  I can choose today to struggle against the current, to refuse to accept and acknowledge the events in my surroundings and to try to go in the opposite direction. I can choose to do very little, and simply float, letting the current take me where it wills. Or, I can decide to participate, to swim with the flow of events as I embrace the world as it unfolds. What will be your choice today? Me, I think my decision is to jump in and ride the waves, trusting in my Higher Power’s will.

Affirmation Change is all around me, a constant part of being alive. Today I will join it rather than fight it and see where I end up.

October 5

”If you don’t accept failure as a possibility, you don’t set high goals, and you don’t branch out, you don’t try, you don’t take the risk.” Rosalynn Carter

My life doesn’t change because it is comfortable to do so. Living and acting in ways that I know, which are familiar to me is about keeping things the same. I know I am a creature of habit and don’t usually prefer doing something new. As a result, doing recovery work, learning how to take the Steps and integrate them into my life, means taking risks. It’s about stepping outside my comfort zone to do things in a way that I don’t feel at ease with. It means trusting that somebody else’s ways of handling life might be better than my own. It means there’s a chance I am not going to get things right, that I will make mistakes. It also means that it’s a chance for me to grow. Doing things the way I have always done them does not stimulate improvement in my life. To make a difference, to find a better way of living and interacting with the world around me, means I need to make changes. These changes have happened to my knowledge and awareness, my connections with my emotional centre, and most definitely with my spiritual self. I don’t have to set high goals, simply living without the characteristics of my addiction, for today, is a target worthy of my efforts.

Affirmation I need to be aware of when I do what is comfortable rather than what I need to do to change. May my Higher Power give me the strength to choose the latter.

August 29

”We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make.” Marian Wright Edelman

There are many days where I want big changes to occur in my recovery, even miraculous. The truth is, I don’t think I have had anything like that happen to me yet. And even though there have been no super-inspirational events, all the many small steps that I continue to make add up to where I am now, with several months of sobriety, a strong outer circle routine, great connection in the fellowship and decent rapport with my Higher Power. Honestly I think I prefer it this way, any big changes in my life, positive or negative, tend to disrupt my life more. Taking things as they come in smaller pieces is easier to manage, digest, and cope with on a daily basis. I shouldn’t be surprised by this…my trip into addiction was a long and slow process. So I expect my return voyage to sobriety to be a similar endeavour. I need to remind myself that each small correction I make is a victory. It is something worth recognizing, worth celebrating and being proud of. Progress, progress, progress is the name of the game, and persistence and patience are what will help keep me pointed in the right direction.

Affirmation I can celebrate the small differences I make - if the change is genuine and moves me forward in recovery then it has  been worthwhile.