May 22

”Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” Richard L. Evans

Certainly one of the areas where I need to make amends is to my children. They have been victims as much as anyone else in the aftermath of my acting out. None of it was directed at them, but they suffer the consequences nonetheless. Many of my decisions have had repercussions that they will only understand later in life, yet must live through now. Separation of their parents, moving, loss of friends, these are but a few of the things that they have had to deal with because of my behaviours. I am so very grateful to be in recovery to have an opportunity to make things different. I now have the chance to be a better role model, to help break any bad habits or other behaviours that could lead my own children into addiction or some sort of dependency that I can pass on what I am learning through the steps to them much earlier. I know I shall not protect them from all harm, but hope that I can at least help build better defenses, and be more aware of danger signs than those who were closest to me in my youth. Most of all, I can simply spend all the time I have to cherish and love them, to help them grow and guide them into being the wonderful people I know they will become. This is such a gift that my Higher Power has offered me and I am truly thankful for it.

Affirmation I will not squander my second chance to leave a better legacy for my children, to raise them and help them overcome the damage I have caused.

December 25

”I am not young enough to know everything.” James Barrie

Christmas for me has always been about children, about seeing their wonder and amazement, their pure innocent joy and laughter. It is my time of the year to try and recapture that purity, that openness of just being in the moment, of believing in magic, of living with hope and without limit. I am no longer young enough to know everything, to be the centre of the universe, invincible and untouchable. My innocence has been jaded by experience, by a loss of the magic that anything can happen, that good always triumphs over evil, or that every cloud has a silver lining. Not necessarily an acceptance of pessimism, but of realism. Yet I still have those fantastical beliefs in me. I have hope in the power and goodness of humanity. I trust deeply in my Higher Power and my spiritual life. I believe in miracles. I believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and all those others dreams that I have taught my own children. With God by my side, I know anything is possible. I can find a way to live through the child within me and keep those fantasies alive.

Affirmation My child within permits me to believe, love and live unconditionally, without prejudice or worry.

December 13 (51)

”The nearest way to glory – a shortcut, as it were – is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.” Socrates

Being an estranged parent is one of the prices and pains I bear for my past behaviour. Attending events like school concerts, sitting alone knowing that my children, whom I still hold dear in my heart, are sitting on the other side of the room, tears me in two. I cry myself to sleep after encounters like this, lost in prayer with my Higher Power that someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself to let my children back into my life. I guard the hopes of a different future than this present I endure, and in the meantime pray for the strength to carry on while shouldering this burden. The pain of this loss is often hard to bear, but I am grateful that I need not manage it alone. I know I can turn to others in the program, my sponsor, friends and family to help me find the courage to continue moving forward. I continue to act as if, as if I will overcome my addiction, as if I will become a better parent, as if all children will have an active part in my life. I have faith that the God of my understanding has a better future in store for me, in His own time and His own way. The pain is a reminder to keep going so I do not make those same mistakes again. I will become what I think I can be.

Affirmation My pain is my teacher and a reminder of the cost of my addiction but it will help to keep focused on being in recovery and changing my ways.