December 15

”The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.” Antisthenes

I once heard a fairly well-known celebrity remark on how his best introduction had been a time when the emcee had made a list of all the things that he was not. It seems a bit counter-intuitive, but then again so is the idea that we need to sometimes spend more time focused on unlearning things than being taught something new. I do see a strong relationship between this concept and Steps 6 and 7. Recognizing my character defects, becoming willing to let them go, and then asking my Higher Power to remove them is really an unlearning process. It is a housekeeping chore of getting rid of my old, unwanted, deteriorated and less useful attitudes, behaviours and beliefs. I need to make space in my life and my world before I can really focus on new ways of living. I am continually seeing how the Steps are a process of learning about myself so that I can get out of the way of my own self-centered ideas and actions. It’s about gaining the awareness that I need to surrender so that I am able to follow the will of my Higher Power. It’s taking the time to slow down, and stop to listen so that I can see the signs and hear the quiet voice of God directing my life His way. This is the power of my program.

Affirmation

Today I will be cognizant of old patterns of thought and behaviours that I need to unlearn in order make space for better ways to be me.

November 21

”The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Albert Schweitzer

Working the steps has made me realize how much of my time in my addiction was spent stagnating. Maybe not to the point where I was spending my days as things inside me were dying, but there were certainly many aspects of my being that were not being nourished and allowed to grow. A big part of my work in recovery has been to revive those parts of me which have lain dormant for months and years, to help them flourish and thrive as they are a vital part of who I am. Obviously one of the most significant aspects was my spiritual self. This is one which definitely had to take a back seat in order for my addiction to maintain power and control in my life. This is also why the steps have been such a boon as they have guided me back to a healthy spirituality. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. I am learning that nothing within me ever really dies; it can be rekindled and nurtured back to life. My addict tried relentlessly to keep the good and moral parts that were at odds with it hidden in the shadows. It’s part of my job to bring them back to the forefront where they belong. This is part of my process of surrendering and living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

I will focus on working the steps today to bring back those parts of me which my addict wanted left under lock and key. These are the things that will help me grow and thrive as I work my program.

November 19

”Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” Yiddish proverb

Steps 6 and 7 are about looking at our character defects, our bad habits, and asking our Higher Power to remove them. I don’t believe that we play no further part in the matter. For one thing, having made the list, the onus falls on me to continual be aware of when my character defects are showing, and to work at lessening their effect on my life and my relationships. I do have to power to diminish my reactions whenever something does not go the way I want or expect. I wish that there was some magically procedure where all my shortcomings could be taken away, one by one. However my experience has been that they disappear gradually, and more due to the fact that I choose not to focus on them. Instead I spend my energy focusing on developing and strengthening my good habits. Just like my addictive behaviours, many of my character defects are tried and true, comfortable practices and attitudes. As I delve into the depths of who I am, and what I truly believe, I can see how those things are no longer match the person who I am today. It is therefore in my own best interest to let them go so that I can focus on all the good things in my life. This is the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation

I will be aware today when my shortcomings come up, and I will breathe through them, rather than letting them run the show.

November 18

”Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state.” Steve Pavlina

I never thought I had an issue with self-discipline. That may be true, I am a creature of habit, and I am very good at sticking to a routine. The problem in recovery was realizing that my routine was unhealthy and that it needed to be amended. Change was, is, uncomfortable. Fully accepting the will of my Higher Power and believing in the program was at odds with my self-disciplinary actions of my past. So how did I get there? By following the Steps. Step 2 is about coming to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity – meaning that there is a different way for me to live. Steps 6 – 9 are my surrendering steps, where I work at getting out of the way of me. It’s about Letting Go and Letting God, a phrase which has a new sense in my life these days. It’s about letting God get to work in my life, to prune and take away all the things that have gotten in the way of letting His light shine through me. Rumour has it that when Michelangelo carved the statue of David, he started with a piece of stone which had been discarded. When asked how he carved, he said that he did not carve, but that he saw David within the stone and simply let him out. I am starting to understand that my Higher Power wants to do the same with me, to remove my defects of character and old, defective behaviours and attitudes so that I can be the person He created me to be and to serve His will.

Affirmation

The Steps are my program to bring me closer to my Higher Power, to make me aware and willing to do His will, His way.

November 18

”Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” Malcom S. Forbes

I am grateful for the Step work that I have done so far. I found the approach that I used was a great tool which focused on balance and that gave equal weight to looking at the negative aspects of my past as well as the positive. The bad stuff was easy to find, there was an ample supply. The good parts were more challenging to find, but these were key components to help me in my recovery. Through these existing and recognizable strengths I was able to focus on parts of me, where I was at in the present, that were wholesome and good, and that became the foundation of redefining who I was as a person. In many ways, through those initial weeks and months of recovery, I overvalued what I thought I was – all those ugly parts that I associated with my addict. I undervalued what had been hidden or pushed aside as a result, or the character traits that I thought were only part of the façade, the public face to the world, which were still (and are) assets and things to be proud of. There was a great deal of soul searching while I worked through sorting out the kind of person I thought I was. I uncovered some strange things. I began to notice how many of my strengths had been subverted to support my addiction rather than healthier choices. Some obvious examples were my ability to write, my concern for others, and my ability to focus on the task at hand. All these are tools, and like any tool, they are not in themselves good or bad, but can be made so by how they are put to use. This awareness gave me building blocks to re-use solid parts of me for my recovery and to give them positive value.

Affirmation

The courage of Step One is the willingness to delve into myself and rediscover who I am. This is the beginning of a journey worth taking.

September 23

”Many people love in themselves what they hate in others.” E. F. Schumacher

It’s become apparent in recovery that often the things that bother me the most about my parents, my kids, my boss, my partner, my friends, etc. are those things that I don’t like about myself but haven’t fully admitted to having as defects of character. When I see others who are impatient, quick to judge, lacking respect or a number of other things, I am well aware of the problems of others. What I often fail to see is the mirror being presented of my own damaging behaviours. I guess part of this is human nature, of not wanting to admit that I am at fault or to blame. But often that is the case, and I just do not want to take the time to own up to my own shortcomings, to take that hard honest look at myself and admit that I was wrong. It’s so much easier to find fault in others then to find it in myself. But, and this is an important lesson for me to remember, there is nothing I can change about someone else’s problems. Mine, however, well, there is a lot that can be done to make things different. Step 6 is about being willing to let my Higher Power remove my shortcomings, to start letting go of the poor behaviours of the past that no longer serve me in a useful fashion. An interesting part of this process is that it gives me the freedom to start seeing the good things in others that I like about myself, instead of only focusing on those aspects I don’t like. This is a positive change of view and just another sign of my personal growth in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation

I will look to see what bothers me about others today and reflect on my own issue with that behaviour or character flaw. Perhaps there is more for me to learn and change.

March 24

”Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I can see that most of my learned behaviours about anger and frustration have been misguided. Primarily I act out of anger or rage when something some when says is too close to the truth, and is something I just don’t want to admit is true. In those moments, I react because I feel threatened, but in reality someone is providing me with the gift of a mirror if I have but the courage to take it and look. I don’t often spend enough time looking at myself and those things “about other people” which bother me. As I grow in my self-awareness, these troublesome traits and behaviours are almost always things I don’t enjoy about myself. And I am not usually open to having someone else point my flaws out to me. Yet in reacting I do a few things that are harmful. I reject the advice and usually constructive criticism of others which should be a catalyst for personal growth. I reject taking a good and serious look at my defects of character. And I often respond with hurtful words and actions that wound others, as well as myself. Anger used in this manner is indeed acidic.

Affirmation I will acknowledge other’s comments which deeply bother me as aspects of myself I need to examine more closely as my own shortcomings.

March 21

”One of the marks of excellent people is that they never compare themselves with others. They only compare themselves with themselves and with their past accomplishments and future potential.” Brian Tracy

Comparing myself to others was a tool used by my addict. It was the self-measuring stick that showed my deficiencies, how I was never as smart, good-looking, athletic, etc. as someone or everyone else. It has never served any good purpose in my life in helping me strive to be better, to perform better, or to work harder. Comparison is also a defect in my recovery. When I listen to others share their experience, their accomplishments, if I feel a tang of jealousy for in hearing their story, then this is a warning sign. The jealousy comes, not because I think I deserve to reach the same goal of sobriety or whatever the situation entails, but because it’s easier to blame someone else than admit that maybe I am not working hard enough for my own recovery. My recovery process is my own, because my trail of addiction is also my own. It’s not the same as anyone else’s, so trying to compare is a waste of time. Comparing to my own story, however, is a good guide in seeing how well I am doing against my past behaviours, to see how much or little things are really changing. The best guide to see is looking at how much better I am surrendering to my Higher Power’s will, as opposed to still following my own.

Affirmation When I compare myself to someone else, it is a reflection of where I have a shortcoming. I will be aware and turn this thought inwards to drive change rather than envy.

March 6

”The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them.” John Seely Brown

I beginning to understand that many of my decisions and paths in my life have stemmed from false beliefs learned in childhood. Things like kids should be seen and not heard. That boys don’t cry or show emotion. That yelling is acceptable when someone doesn’t listen. There are many things I am beginning to realize had more of an impact on my life than I suspected. In analyzing my past I can see patterns emerging that make it evident why my life went the way it did. I was programmed to react in these ways without my knowledge. It’s a matter of me being a product of my environment, and having learned the lessons I did, good or bad, from my parents and others who influence me at a young age. So the next step after identifying these incorrect assumptions that I have lived by is to replace them with proper ones. So kids have the right to be heard and I teach my own children this rule. Boys can cry and have emotions, and therefore so can I as an adult. Yelling at someone who doesn’t listen does not encourage them to be more attentive but the opposite. Keeping my calm is much more effective. This is the work of the 7th Step, letting go of my defects of character. And it is teaching me a better way to live.

Affirmation In recognizing those parts of me that are built on an improper understanding, I can choose to replace them with better ideals and improve my own character.

February 6

”Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes I wonder why it seems that the people whom I love the most are also the ones who seem most able to drive me crazy. It strikes me that this does not compute logically. Yet, from an emotional view for certain, it does tend to be the case. The people I let closest to me, to my heart, to my desires, to my weaknesses and fears, also gain an ability to frankly, bug the heck out of me at times. There’s a lesson here for me though. The fact that this closeness creates conflict is often more a reflection of something in myself that is bothered, than what is being said or done by the other person. In letting my guard down, I open myself to let my defects of character spring forth. I need to be willing to recognize this and then look to work at turning them over to my Higher Power. Love is indeed humble. True love seeks to offer compassion, caring, nurturing. It is about giving and sharing. It is selfless, free, and without boundary. It has the power to bring out the best, and sometimes worst, in me, but this is only to help me become more aware and to allow me to continue to grow.

Affirmation I will learn to cherish my close relationships that will shed a light on my defects. This is another catalyst and opportunity for change.