September 16

”One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.” Arnold Glasow

I can certainly see how the idea of this quote also applies to my recovery, especially in how I deal with stress. My method of the past was to bury it, hide from it, stuff it under the rug or run away. Anything and everything to avoid dealing with it. And the problem was that it simply backed up and backed up until there was no room left to hide or run from it and it washed over me in a deluge. All the little things became so huge that it was an emergency. So stress management is a crucial part of my healing process. Being able to deal with situations as they happen, or shortly thereafter, allows me to live without accumulating all the baggage that I used to carry around with me. This increased awareness of how I am feeling, how I am stressing, allows me to confront problems before they grow into emergencies. My addict thrived on stress. So if I tackle nothing else each day but dealing with life events that occur around me, I am more able to keep my craving and pull to my addiction at bay. Living a simpler life and being present throughout the day are great treasures that also protect my serenity and sobriety.

Affirmation Stress happens - it’s a normal part of being human. Running or hiding does not deal with it though, so today I will work through the events that occur, facing forward.

November 14 (80)

”It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.” Horace

Although at this point I may not have discovered all the reason why I chose to let my addiction be my primary coping addiction for all those years, I do have a much better understanding of the role it played. It was my main "band-aid" in my emotional first aid kit, where I turned when I was hurt, lonely, sad, experiencing loss, or in any other emotional state where I wanted to bury or repress how I was feeling. Now in my recovery I am gradually coming to terms with the wounds of my past. Learning to forgive others, to make amends and to simply let go are all ways that finally let those scars heal and remove their influence from how I live today. So while I can see that it was foolish to live as I did, putting all my faith in something that sought to destroy my life, in all honesty I didn't know a better way. The consequences of all my actions aside, my addiction did carry me to where I am today. Thankfully, I know now there are many better ways to handle my feelings and my first aid kit has multiple remedies for handling emotional situations. As I continue to Live and Let Live, I am less the fool and less driven by shame.

Affirmation Reconciling my wounds from the past will free me from the shame and guilt I have been carrying and allow me to move forward.

September 5

”If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it elsewhere.” Marvin Gaye

My addiction only ever had one goal in mind – escape. To run, hide, avoid or ignore the pain, stress, emotion or whatever negative or seemingly overwhelming situation was before me. The more my addiction took over, the more things I feared and needed to escape from, the more lies and excuses I had  to manufacture to rationalize and justify my behaviour to “normalize” it and make it acceptable for myself.  Taking away this toxic coping mechanism from my life as I discover and use the tools of recovery leads me in a new direction. I am learning to like the person I see in the mirror, to know and feel that I act with more integrity, that I am honest and genuine with myself and others. In short, my life is moving from chaos to serenity. Although many outside factors have assisted and influenced my recovery, the transformation has come from within. My addiction promised happiness, content, joy, pleasure and even peace through many external things. Yet it has been in my recovery, in learning to love, care and nurture myself, that I am finding the peace within me…and it’s a peace that no one can take away from me.

Affirmation I need to work on me from the inside out, to bring forth my qualities that will reflect the authentic person I am becoming.