December 16

”Part of being a man is learning to take responsibility for your successes and for your failures. You can’t go blaming others or being jealous. Seeing somebody else’s success as your failure is a cancerous way to live.” Kevin Bacon

I do appreciate the discussion in Step 4 about resentment where we are called to focus on our part, however small, in situations where we are holding something against someone else. This has been helpful for me in two ways. The first, of course, has been in taking responsibility for my own actions. This was certainly something I shrunk away from during my life, especially during my periods of active addiction. The second way, and perhaps more important way, is realizing that I am not responsible for how others have acted or treated me. It is about coming to the realization that I have been holding on to grudges which have had the result of allowing that situation or person to keep power over me for a long time. This awareness leads to the conclusion that only I can let go of those issues from my past to grant me freedom. This is a large component of my work in recovery, to regain power where I have given it away. It is about recognizing where I have made mistakes, seeking forgiveness and making amends. It is about turning over what others have done to my Higher Power with the realization that I am powerless to change them.

Affirmation

I will work on acknowledging my part in situations of the past, and giving back responsibility to those who have wronged me in return.

February 2

”Living well is the best revenge.” George Herbert

Through my in-depth work of my 4th step, one of the patterns that emerged was that of revenge. Recognizing that as a teen I often felt rejected by my peers, by my friends, and even on occasion my parents, I sought retribution through revenge. Yet my revenge in most cases was not direct. In fact, for quite some time, my revenge only happened in my own head, in my dreams and fantasies where I found ways to get back at those by whom I had been hurt. In time, those fantasies could not stay fully confined to my thoughts, so small parts of them moved from the imaginary into possibility – planning and scheming. Eventually even that was insufficient, and some acts then became reality. Gratefully my transition was kept to activities where I was very discreet, and which were not directly targeting people, but their possessions. Yet still, as I have come to understand my motivations, the intent was there to seek some form of retaliation. In fact, in many cases I felt the effect was increased by the fact that the person would likely never know. Gladly, after a good deal of effort in putting the steps into practice, I have a new way to seek revenge for the hurts of the past and the present. The best way I can deal with the times where I feel rejected, ignored, or ridiculed is to continue working my program. By not letting those negative situations derail me, I become a testament to the power of recovery which has taken hold in my heart, my soul, and my mind.

Affirmation

My defects of character do not always have to vanish, but can sometimes be transformed into a healthier way of looking at the world and dealing with life on life’s terms.

November 25

”Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst.” William Penn

I recall one exercise as I did my 4th Step of trying to determine the cost of my addiction. It was a bit of a daunting task, to look back and tally up how much of my time, money, and energy had been put into supporting that part of my life. I have heard others share their own experiences of going through this and the realization of what the price of this double-life can be. As I work through my recovery, this goes beyond how my addiction affected me, but the secondary effects that it had on family, friends, coworkers, neighbours, etc.  My addiction was very costly indeed. The worst thief of all, still today, is the time I lost, most especially with family. I will never regain all those lost minutes, hours, or days spent in fantasy, lost in front of a computer screen, or wherever else my addiction led. And I used to worry about what I would do with all the free time. Fortunately, life seems to fill most of that time up with just regular day-to-day goings-on. I often wonder how I managed to keep both lives going for so long. It is no wonder that some part of my life had to suffer. I am grateful that I have this new lease to spend my time better on the things that truly are important, like my kids.

Affirmation Time is fleeting and precious, and I will be careful not to waste it on things which are not valuable.

October 30

”Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

I think this idea sums up a good portion of the aim of my recovery, the process through which I will restore my character. While I am not so certain that I was obsessed about my reputation during my active addiction, I was definitely not doing much to build my character. If anything I was acting like a bunch of different characters, but they were mainly facades. The 4th and 5th Steps have been key components to the restoration of my integrity, values and morals. Taking my inventory, fearlessly, and putting my life under a microscope has helped me see in clearer detail all my strengths and weaknesses. This introspection helped lay a foundation for me to start laying down the new framework for the person I want to be. Steps 8 and 9 are a continuation of the process. For me it is taking my recovery work beyond myself, and out into the surrounding area where my actions and behaviours harmed others. In humbling myself to face those who I have hurt, to express my regret in having treated them as I did, and seeking to make amends, I also strengthen my character. These are positive steps to reinforcing the person I want to be in recovery, and in life.

Affirmation In following the Steps, I will work towards rebuilding and strengthening my character, one block at a time.

March 18

”To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting” e e cummings

Who am I? I’ve asked myself that question many times, both in my active addiction and in recovery. Usually my answer involves the roles I have in my life, in my family, at work and in the community. But none of these really get to the root of who I am, they are more reflections of how I am perceived by specific groups of people. To honestly answer the question I have to look internally. What is at the core of my being, my likes, dislikes, strengths, faults, morals, values and beliefs. This sounds an awful lot like Step 4, taking a personal inventory. This is not something I have ever really put much thought into until creating my inventory. For most of my life I’ve been content with the idea that I know at a superficial level who I am, which was based more on how I projected myself rather than the reflection of my true inner self. Being in recovery and giving up my double life means being honest with myself and trying to live as the person I see in the mirror as opposed to what I think is expected of me. At the end of the day, I know the opinion of myself that matters most is my own.

Affirmation I will be authentic and genuine today. I will be aware of the ways I behave that are incongruent and unnatural.