April 25

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

I tend to be an organized person, I like to have a plan, to know where I am going and what I intend to do. I am often disrupted by changes, avoid spontaneity, and dislike surprises. I was certainly more rigid in these respects before discovering the 12 Steps. These qualities have their usefulness, but as I have learned in retrospect, can also become obstacles. Trying to plan everything is akin to trying to control everything. My recovery has certainly enlightened me in the fact that I do not, and cannot, control most things. Which leads to the second half of the quote, letting go and see what happens. I'll admit that this often feels foreign to me. But I know that it is also putting my faith into action - my faith in the process of my program of recovery, faith in the will of my Higher Power, trust in the people around me who support me. As the saying goes, faith without works means nothing. I am learning to trust that my faith is sufficient, that the God of my understanding is more than enough to lean on to make it through whatever comes my way.

Affirmation

I will exercise my faith today by letting go, and trusting in the plan of my Higher Power for me.

November 28

”Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.” Anonymous

This is a reoccurring theme that I am hearing around me, in the Serenity Prayer, in the Bible, and in life. Accept what you cannot control, give thanks even in the darkest moments of despair, look for the silver lining. They are wise words, but there are times when it is not easy to see how to do it, how to let go, how to find joy in the pain, or how to dance in the rain. They all boil down to my faith in my Higher Power. How well do I trust that the God of my understanding has a purpose in mind for the situation I find myself in. How is the struggle I am facing going to help me, or help use me, to have His will followed? I simply cannot fathom all He has planned out for this world. So do I balk, do I throw a pity party, do I exclaim to all I meet “Woe is me!”? Or do I go back to surrendering, look back at all the wonderful gifts that I have been provided, the talents that I have, and the fact that I have survived 100% of my worst days so far and find ways to give thanks? It’s my choice to focus on the wall that it blocking my way or to look for the path that goes around it. It is my choice to be a rock on a windy day or the leaf that lets the breeze take it where it is supposed to go. I think I know which one I am supposed to do, God grant me the courage to be blown along the right path.

Affirmation

Today give me the strength to surrender my will and to be glad about it.

October 22

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Step 3 is about turning our will and our life over the care of the God of our understanding. This is a deliberate act to relinquish control in my life, not to become a puppet, but to be lead because left to my own devices I tend to go astray. It is about faith and hope in a being/entity/source greater than me that frankly has a better understanding of life, the universe and everything. It’s also a sign of trust that my Higher Power, given the chance, will lead me down a better, brighter and more prosperous path. An acronym I quite like for God is Good Orderly Direction. That is what my prayer and meditation tend to focus on, asking for advice, direction, and aide in following God’s will. The complementary component to my prayer is to give thanks, to take the time to show gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have in life, all the ways that my Higher Power is taking care of me. I have had many false “gods” in my life, my addiction the most obvious, but I have become obsessed with others like recognition, fame, and fortune in periods of my life as well. Worshipping things of this world only mires me deeper in the problems of my earthly life. Experience is showing me that worshipping my spiritual source is not only taking away many of my worldly concerns, it is giving me freedom, joy and contentment that I never believed I could enjoy.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power, for His will and intention are good and just. In giving Him praise, I acknowledge all that He has done for me.

May 29

”Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have no idea what my Higher Power looks like. It would be quite a chore to try and describe it to someone else. Simply, it’s a power greater than me. It is a being or a force that governs the universe and that has infinite knowledge and power. Yet, however I define it, this is not the most important factor. The critical element is that I believe in this supernatural entity, that I have the faith in all the qualities and characteristics that I believe it encompasses. You can believe in Mother Nature, Buddha, science and technology, God (as you understand Him), love or even a pink and blue polka-dotted dragon named Sven if you wish. It doesn’t matter to me. As long as this is your Source of faith and trust that there is a greater order to life, that something else can hear your prayers and offer guidance, this to me defines a Higher Power that works. Some days it can be hard not to wish that I could pick up the phone and go for a coffee with my Higher Power. It would be nice to have concrete proof of His existence. But the times I feel like this are rare. I have seen too many “coincidences” in my life not to believe that something greater than me exists. I am certainly grateful for this belief as putting my trust in Him has helped me regain my serenity in recovery.

Affirmation

I trust in my Higher Power because I know seeking His will and letting go of what I cannot control lead me to a happier and healthier life.

May 19

”But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?” James 2:20

Ah, there it is – faith without works is dead, or perhaps better put, nothing. My faith in the program can be without fault, but without action taken to prove it means little. My thoughts of being better, of changing my ways, are a great start, but I need to take steps to show that I am behaving differently. In the program this is often the walking the walk part (and not simply just talking the talk.) My Higher Power, through grace, prayer and meditation, continues to bestow wisdom upon me. If I am simply a sponge and absorb this knowledge, but do nothing with it, the gift is wasted. When I take this wisdom and put it to use, when it works to change my ways or finds its way onto these pages, then I have made it a part of my life and HIS-story. It has become me working His will and taking His guidance. I’ve been quite foolish in my life. I have believed in many things yet done nothing to show what I believed. I have also believed in many of the wrong things, and done too much to show that I had those poor beliefs. Thinking about faith still brings to mind a poster I saw many years ago, with a kitten hanging from a tree branch over a river with the caption “Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to.” I used think that was the only definition, but it’s not. Faith for me is a regular part of my day, the confidence that my Higher Power is steering me in the right direction at all times, not just when I feel I am out on a limb.

Affirmation

There’s a reason I need to “work” my program. Concrete steps are required to show that things are moving in a different and better direction.

May 6

”Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send and who will go for us?’ Then I said, ‘I, Here I am, send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

It’s happened more than once that I have been sitting wondering who should step up to take on a particular role and then the realization has come of, why not me? This is usually followed by a few minutes of inner dialogue while I run through reasons (read excuses) of why I am not available, capable, etc. (more excuses) to be able to take on said task (rationalization and justification.) Thankfully, I am more in tune with my instinct and have strengthened my faith in my Higher Power (spiritual awakening) to step forward and volunteer. This has been apparent in my recovery (working my program) as well as other parts of my life (wholeness). It’s important for me to listen to signs that are challenges for me (meditation) to face and overcome something I needed to work on, even though I don’t usually recognize the opportunity at first (faith in His Will). Yet it has happened enough times that I let out a sigh, look up and send a message to God (let Your will, not mine be done) know that I am listening, and jump into action. This all has a lot to do with serving, with giving of myself and with following the will of the God of my understanding. It’s a sign of growth, of trust and faith, that the path He has laid before me is a good one and that I am willing to walk it. It’s also humility in acknowledging that I may not know the best way to go and that I am ready to serve and face whatever is placed before me as there is a good reason for it.

Affirmation

Today I will work at Letting Go and Letting God, seeking His will for my life, trusting in the route He has chosen for me to follow.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

March 13

”Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” Tryon Edwards

Earning someone’s trust is a long journey. It takes many small acts, continued open and honest communication, and lots of patience. It is very delicate like building an intricate spider web. It is as fragile, easily torn by the smallest negligence, harsh word, or inappropriate act. It is through constant work that extra layers can be added to the web of trust, making it more resilient and less likely to break. Even though I am now in a new relationship with someone who was not with me during my darkest points, the past still leaves a taint. The uncertainty of me slipping back into my old ways creates tension and a hidden stress that I don’t always see in my partner. I need to be sensitive to this aspect of our relationship and to even be forward enough to talk about it first so as not to allow seeds of worry to grow and fester. I have faith in myself and my program of recovery. I am confident in my step work, the progress I continue to make, my sobriety and I have fewer doubts about falling back to my old patterns. But that in of itself doesn’t necessarily transfer to those around me; those are other relationships that require their own time and effort to nurture.

Affirmation I will continue all the small things to keep building my webs of trust and to improve my relations, with myself and others.

March 5

”Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurting or we will never know what is waiting for us around the bend.” Brigitte Nicole

So recovery teaches me to take things a step at a time. To get up each day and work my program. To work through all my issues one by one. To focus on the next day, hour, or minute as the case may be. The importance is the journey, that I continue to focus on Progress Not Perfection. This takes a great deal of trust and faith in my Higher Power. I have to surrender to His will, and accept that He will guide me in the right direction. In following the plans of the God of my understanding, I believe that there are great things waiting for me around the bend. I believe that it is through my suffering that I am encouraged to grow. It is from the pain that I learn to experience greater joy and beauty in the world around me. I know that taking the steps, sometimes blindly, is the right thing to do when I let myself be led by my Source. I will continue my journey no matter what it takes.

Affirmation The path that I have be given to have follow have many surprises along the way. I trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me and has reasons for all that I experience.

December 29

”In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” Thomas Jefferson

Working through separation and divorce has been a challenge against my principles, values and morals. It has been a constant conflict of defending what I believe is right and just as my former spouse has attacked me as a person and as a parent. I have also been treated with a distinct lack of respect in both roles. This has shaken me to the core at times, and made me more than once question whether or not I was doing the right thing or if indeed I knew who I was or what I really stood for. I have and continue to survive mostly through prayer and faith in my Higher Power. The hardest thing I continue to do is to pray for this person who used to hold such a special place in my life that now seems determined to punish me for all that has happened. I now feel like I am asking God on a regular basis to help this person find the help they need and to find their way back into His arms. I am grateful that I am aware of how little I can control about other people. I am thankful that I can turn situations like this over to the care of the God of my understanding. I give thanks for the ability to pray and let go, while continuing to fight for what I believe in and for what I feel is best for my children. I praise my power greater than me for the capacity to stand like a rock.

Affirmation With faith in my Higher Power, I can weather the roughest storm, brave the highest seas and rise to soar amongst the stars.

November 26 (68)

”Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement.” Thomas N. Carruther

I am grateful that I have found a healthy, if somewhat contradictory, way to cross boundaries in my recovery. Whereas my addiction led me to break moral, ethical and other boundaries through my behaviours, my recovery is balancing that equation. I have come across several events where I have found myself thinking, “This is too much, I cannot possibly get through this” only to find sometime later that I have made it to the other side.  And not only have I survived the ordeal, but grown stronger and strengthened my faith and recovery in the process. How does this happen? Well, by putting my trust in my Higher Power and by surrendering my will to His own. This has been no easy task. Going from living from fix to fix in pleasing my addiction to throwing my problems to the universe and saying “Help, please deal with this, as I cannot, it is too much” takes a huge leap of faith. It is the support of others in the program; hearing and seeing fellow members overcome equally challenging situations that has given me the willingness to try putting my hopes in the God of my understanding. Trust in a power greater than myself is leading me to a saner life.

Affirmation I will trust in my Higher Power today and believe that His plan is good and is leading me in a better direction.

August 12

”Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side – to take us around the unknown curve.” Lillian Smith

Faith in my Higher Power, in myself, in my support network – all these help me to push forward and to face new challenges. Yet on the same hand doubt can force me to keep hold of the reins, to not charge blindly ahead but to proceed with some caution and well-reasoned intent. In this aspect I quite agree that they work hand-in-hand to help me seek the unknown in a more controlled and deliberate fashion. Recklessness and chaos were characteristics of my addiction. Acting with no regard for the consequences, simply succumbing to the lure of the promised “high” at the end of the journey was all that mattered. No consideration was given for the aftermath. Nor was there any worry about those I may hurt along the way, including myself, to reach the goal of my obsession. My goals today have returned to have a valuable meaning. Just as important, if not more so, are all the steps that I must take to reach the summit. They now need to be steps of integrity, honesty, respect and responsibility, for no longer does the end justified by the means. I need to be my authentic, recovering self each step of the way.

Affirmation I am returning balance to my life and acting more in ways that are congruent with my values and ethics.

June 9

”The man who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.” Alan Ashley-Pitt

It’s not easy to follow the path less travelled by…many people ask me why I am going the way I am, or simply don’t understand. It’s hard not to question why I am following the path that feels right by my own morals and values and by my Higher Power when so many people disagree. Yet I know deep down that I still believe in marriage after all the lies, hurt, infidelity and deceit. I have not lost hope; I still have the desire and the will to work to make it better. My life has changed and me along with it since I discovered the program. I am becoming a better person, better parent, and hope for the chance to show I am a better spouse. The person I was in the past is but a memory and I like the new me that greets me in the mirror each morning. The path I walk today is my own and has the goal of my living as my Higher Power intended. It is not about me doing whatever everyone else expects or can deal with. I have no regrets for the decisions I am taking because I truly feel that I am once again walking beside the God of my understanding rather than being carried.

Affirmation I will walk my own path today even if those around me are not in agreement. If it is the will of my Higher Power it will be alright.

March 19

”Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” Henry David Thoreau

Life is full of choices, and we can struggle as easily with the simple ones as we can with the hard ones. Early in  our recovery when we question the motivation behind everything we do we may feel overwhelmed and pushed to do nothing lest it lead us in the direction of our addictive behaviour. It can be challenging to do the little things like deciding what to wear or what to eat. We need to make these tiny leaps of faith in ourselves and our instinct to keep moving forward. Staying still is not an option if we want to recover. Facing these smaller challenges gradually rekindles our confidence in our ability to take action. Making healthy and conscious decisions helps build momentum as we work towards establishing a more normal routine of living. All the small success will help us find the courage to act when presented with more difficult choices. We will continue to advance into action and active living.

Affirmation I will make the small choices today and rebuild my confidence in myself, one decision at a time.