April 14

"The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.” Robert Jordan

In this new normal, I am still learning, learning how to adapt, cope, survive and even thrive. I am learning things like the fact that resilience is a choice. It's not an innate talent, but something that can be and is learned, strengthened, improved. There are many things that help me to be more resilient, more effective when faced with change. The recipe isn't all that complicated nor magical. It involves taking care of the basics, proper eating, sleeping, exercise. It also involves gratitude, recognizing my blessings. It is also balance, being ok when I am not ok, recognizing that this is an acceptable state. As is often touted in the program, this too shall pass. It is about re-focusing and finding purpose and things to accomplish. In other words, resiliency boils down to making the best of whatever situation life presents to me. It is about knowing my strengths and weaknesses, seeing limitations, setting goals, and finding the places where I can turn impossible into I'm possible. This is how I can thrive, no matter what comes my way.

Affirmation

I have the ability to be resilient in the face of change, to use the skills and knowledge I possess to make it through to the other side.

November 21

”The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Albert Schweitzer

Working the steps has made me realize how much of my time in my addiction was spent stagnating. Maybe not to the point where I was spending my days as things inside me were dying, but there were certainly many aspects of my being that were not being nourished and allowed to grow. A big part of my work in recovery has been to revive those parts of me which have lain dormant for months and years, to help them flourish and thrive as they are a vital part of who I am. Obviously one of the most significant aspects was my spiritual self. This is one which definitely had to take a back seat in order for my addiction to maintain power and control in my life. This is also why the steps have been such a boon as they have guided me back to a healthy spirituality. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. I am learning that nothing within me ever really dies; it can be rekindled and nurtured back to life. My addict tried relentlessly to keep the good and moral parts that were at odds with it hidden in the shadows. It’s part of my job to bring them back to the forefront where they belong. This is part of my process of surrendering and living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

I will focus on working the steps today to bring back those parts of me which my addict wanted left under lock and key. These are the things that will help me grow and thrive as I work my program.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

October 25 (100)

”Purity of soul cannot be lost without consent.” St. Augustine

It was a hard fact to face in a treatment session that I had given my power away. Learning about the destructive power of resentment, I began to see how blaming others, holding grudges, and seeking revenge were all acts that kept me tied to the past and allowed others to continue to influence my life years after the fact. Worst of all, I had done this to myself, allowed a part of me to take a stranglehold of my emotions, to deny a very core part of my being in order to further my harmful and compulsive behaviours. The core of who I am still remained beneath all the garbage, lies, cheating and other negative stuff I piled on top of it over the years. I had neglected my emotional and spiritual selves, yet could not destroy them, only hid them out of sight, out of mind. As I had chosen to bury those parts of me, I also regained the ability to dig them out and reintegrate them into my whole being through working my program. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient.  I have heard stories from people that have amazed me in seeing how far they have fallen only to rise back into a healthy state of living. The program is nothing short of a miracle for providing a framework to allow us to rediscover ourselves and return to society as a whole person.

Affirmation I have not lost who I am or who I was meant to be. I simply need to continue to work at rediscovering myself.