April 6

"Learn to pause...or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.” Doug King

Being still and quiet is not a natural thing for me. I am more often an human doing rather than a human being. However, I am grateful that my recovery program is teaching me the necessity and benefits of slowing down. I am learning that I need not fill every moment of every day with some task. Simply being present is an equally important and rewarding thing for me to do. Self-awareness is a gift in and of itself. I believe that my Higher Power is constantly offering me signs of the path I am to take, His Will. But if I never pause, never stop to listen or look for His signals, how can I expect to know what it is? This is one of the key benefits of taking these regular breaks in my day. Another time when these moments of reflection are useful is near the end of the day. Taking a few minutes to review my day, my Step 10 stock-taking, are also a good way to look at my accomplishments, challenges, and blessings. I am starting a routine of generating a list of five to ten things I am grateful for to share with my sponsor to note the positives of my day.

Affirmation

Slow down, breathe, be present in the moment. This is a tool I will practice today to maintain my calm, serenity and find peace in the busyness of the world.

January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.

September 23

”Many people love in themselves what they hate in others.” E. F. Schumacher

It’s become apparent in recovery that often the things that bother me the most about my parents, my kids, my boss, my partner, my friends, etc. are those things that I don’t like about myself but haven’t fully admitted to having as defects of character. When I see others who are impatient, quick to judge, lacking respect or a number of other things, I am well aware of the problems of others. What I often fail to see is the mirror being presented of my own damaging behaviours. I guess part of this is human nature, of not wanting to admit that I am at fault or to blame. But often that is the case, and I just do not want to take the time to own up to my own shortcomings, to take that hard honest look at myself and admit that I was wrong. It’s so much easier to find fault in others then to find it in myself. But, and this is an important lesson for me to remember, there is nothing I can change about someone else’s problems. Mine, however, well, there is a lot that can be done to make things different. Step 6 is about being willing to let my Higher Power remove my shortcomings, to start letting go of the poor behaviours of the past that no longer serve me in a useful fashion. An interesting part of this process is that it gives me the freedom to start seeing the good things in others that I like about myself, instead of only focusing on those aspects I don’t like. This is a positive change of view and just another sign of my personal growth in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation

I will look to see what bothers me about others today and reflect on my own issue with that behaviour or character flaw. Perhaps there is more for me to learn and change.

July 24

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful, than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I cannot say that I have ever considered that there was honour in making mistakes. However, I do see Mr. Shaw’s point that making mistakes is more honorable than doing nothing at all. Life is not about mere existence, simply putting in the time allotted to oneself. Life is about experience, which means doing, and in trying, sometimes failing. There is merit in doing nothing at all sometimes. There are moments when I simply need to disconnect from myself and the world around me. It is important to turn off all the distractions and simply be, just existing in the moment. It is something I don’t do often enough, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday living. Meditation is one aspect of this pause in my program. I get other moments during the sharing portion of my meetings while waiting for others to share their own experience, strength and hope. Sometimes it is simply sitting quietly in a dark room or out in nature, being connected to the natural energies that surround me. Whatever the case, this is a grounding experience that allows me to purge thoughts and desires and reboot. Reflecting in these times let me find wisdom, like the realization that mistakes are not inherently good or bad. They are simply part of the process of being human. I cannot always be right, or say or do the right thing. Errors are simply a point that allows me to evaluate, make corrections and adjust the course of my actions. They are a tool in helping me along my journey, not a roadblock which is trying to derail my plans.

Affirmation

I will not settle for simply existing. I will participate in life, and I accept that this means risking failure, but that does not make me one.

May 31

”The most efficient way to live reasonably is every morning to make a plan of one's day and every night to examine the results obtained.” Alexis Carrel

Daily reflection is an important part of my day. I try to do it in two steps. The first part is when I wake up, to look at what I want to accomplish the day. It also includes asking my Higher Power to be receptive to His will for me during the day, to have the tools I need to do His works. It’s also a reflection on my visualization wall, a reminder of my longer term goals and aspirations. This also includes some affirmations and positive thoughts and quotations to set my attitude on a good path. The second part is the wrap-up at the end of the day. Either during my shower, as I lay in bed relaxing before falling asleep, or sometimes as I enjoy some time in the hot tub, I look back over the course of the day. It’s a chance to see what I have done, things that I can improve on, and time to lay out at least a few items for the next day. I can celebrate my accomplishments, as well as give thanks for the blessings I received throughout the day. This is my ongoing Step 10 work, to keep a daily inventory. It’s part of me working on my awareness, forgiving and seeking amends as I make mistakes, and working at not letting things build and turn into resentments, shame and guilt. This is part of my healthier routine and it is a big component in helping to maintain my sobriety.

Affirmation

The steps are the basis of my program of recovery, and it’s important for me to work as many of them as I can into my day-today living.

May 16

”There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.” James Lee Burke

Rejection – one of my biggest fears, one of my best known triggers. But I think I finally figured something out. Most of the rejection I have experienced has been from actions that weren’t even targeting me. That might seem a little confusing, so I guess I need to explain. I used to think that rejection meant that someone was wilfully pushing me aside, that I was less than, didn’t measure up, or had some other deficiency. In essence, that some part of me was the problem (or all of me as the case may be.) I am starting to see that is not the case at all. I think many times when I have felt rejected, I may not have been someone’s top priority, that they had something more important on the go that meant my needs (or wants) couldn’t be met by them. That’s it. Simply put, there are times when I think I should be everyone’s number 1 priority (a false expectation which cannot always be true) and then I am hurt when someone else does not treat me that way (other people have their own priorities, pretty normal if I think about it.) So what does this mean to me now? Hmm, well giving it some additional brain power, I see that I need to be open to seeing where other people are coming from when I feel rejected. What is it that is important to them at the time I feel this way? And for my own part, how is it I am feeling, what are my needs that I want to be met that seem to be at a shortfall? Looking at things this way, I can see rejection in a new light and with new understanding.

Affirmation

I may be amazed at the insight that comes my way when I stop to look inside myself, examine my feelings, my needs and desires. It is a worthwhile exercise to know myself better.

March 24

”Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I can see that most of my learned behaviours about anger and frustration have been misguided. Primarily I act out of anger or rage when something some when says is too close to the truth, and is something I just don’t want to admit is true. In those moments, I react because I feel threatened, but in reality someone is providing me with the gift of a mirror if I have but the courage to take it and look. I don’t often spend enough time looking at myself and those things “about other people” which bother me. As I grow in my self-awareness, these troublesome traits and behaviours are almost always things I don’t enjoy about myself. And I am not usually open to having someone else point my flaws out to me. Yet in reacting I do a few things that are harmful. I reject the advice and usually constructive criticism of others which should be a catalyst for personal growth. I reject taking a good and serious look at my defects of character. And I often respond with hurtful words and actions that wound others, as well as myself. Anger used in this manner is indeed acidic.

Affirmation I will acknowledge other’s comments which deeply bother me as aspects of myself I need to examine more closely as my own shortcomings.

December 23

”Each day is a loan, spend it wisely.” Anonymous

Time is a precious gift, and something I squandered too easily in the past. It is still something I struggle with, having too much time and trying to make good use of it. Having time on my hands doesn’t mean that I always have to have it planned out; spending free time relaxing, meditation or reflecting is healthy. But there are many ways I can simply waste it. I’ve come to realize that lure of my addiction was the lure to escape. And the result of all that running away is that I kept hiding from myself. This is most apparent in those times when I am alone and when I feel uncomfortable, like having an itch I can’t find to scratch. It’s at those times I wish I was anywhere else, or doing anything else, than being stuck with only myself. These are the times when I need to slow myself down, to reassure myself that I am safe all by my lonesome. I have to remember the simple things, like breathing. Or like focusing on the thoughts that are preoccupying my attention, recognizing they are there, and letting them go. I need to remain grounded and focused on the present to make the best use of my time.

Affirmation Time is a gift, one that I am learning to value. Time with myself is something to treasure, and a healthy part of my sobriety.

May 21

”There’s only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” Aldous Huxley

Certain times of the year are ripe opportunities for reflection. Birthdays, major holidays, and other such anniversaries can be occasions to take a longer look back at where I have been, where I am now, and even where I am headed. It`s good medicine for me to recall how much progress I have made since choosing the path of recovery. It is equally important to temper this by reviewing my circles and looking at where I want to go. My life certainly looks different and a whole lot brighter, than it was a couple years ago. I certainly could not have seen then where I have made it to today, nor all that I have been through along the way. And all this gives me great hope that there are many more wondrous things awaiting me down the road that right now I am completely ignorant about. This prescription of turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power of my understanding started with a shaky foundation. Yet it has proven time and time again to be the better path, and continues to lead me in a direction of happiness and fulfillment, without my addiction taking charge of my life. My new self-care in working the steps is bringing me towards the person I always knew I could be.

Affirmation I will continue to put my trust in my Higher Power to lead me to the right choice, the right path, and doing His will.

December 20

”Experience is what you get when you do not get what you want.” Anonymous

Looking back at the past year, I would have to say that I have gained a lot of experience, but gained a lot of other things as well. If I look carefully, probably the biggest reasons I would say I have gained experience are because I did not truly know what I needed, or more likely that what I wanted was not really in-line with what my Higher Power knew I needed. A year goes by so fast and the road behind me seems much longer than it did as I travelled it. I could not have predicted to be where I am today when this year started. I had many difficult challenges to face with my relationships, especially my family, as a result of my addiction. This year has been rocky to say the least, and there have been some significant endings, like that of my marriage. Yet endings often lead to beginnings, and there have been some of those as well. I do know that I am more aware and appreciative of the ebb and flow of life. I feel more an active participant, taking my place, handling my responsibilities, and focusing on things that really matter. So I guess I am mostly content with the results thus far, and will continue to put faith in the path that God has lain before me.

Affirmation My journey sometimes needs to be seen in retrospect to be truly appreciated and put into perspective. I am on the right track if I stay in recovery.

October 1

”When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on - and then swing.” Barbara Johnson

Finishing each day and leaving it finished is a good principle that I can and need to apply more generally. There are many aspects of my life, and certainly in recovery places where I want to repair damage that I have caused, but where I can only go so far. My part may only be opening the door to start the healing, but the other person has to be willing to pursue that route. It is not an avenue that I can force someone else to embark upon. Tomorrow is a new day and will be full of new challenges and opportunities. I can let go of the failures and successes of yesterday and start each day anew. This is why it is important for me to close each day in gratitude and prayer to prepare myself for a fresh start. I can make it easier to sense the hope and prospect that tomorrow holds by doing a proper job of settling today’s affairs. The God of my understanding is a boon to help keep me on the right track, facing forward. All the small steps of letting go free me from the weight of the past and allow me to focus on today.

Affirmation Reflection on today is my Step 10 work, and gives me an immediate indication of the adjustments I want to make…and to move onto the next day better prepared.

June 4

”The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do.” John Holt

In the past when faced with a situation when I did not know what to do, my usual reaction would have been to say “<insert your favourite expletive here> it” and seek escape in my addictive behaviours. It still happens frequently in my recovery that I find myself in these types of situations. But I have found new ways to handle them. Usually I start with a Serenity Prayer (or 3) to help calm me down as well as providing me the time to evaluate how much (little) control I have. Then I try turning over everything (almost) that is out of my power to my Higher Power (here you go, it’s all yours!) At this point I usually feel relief and a decrease in the pressure and stress of the situation. Finally I can take a realistic look at what is within my power to deal with (lil ol me) and can start formulating some ways to handle the problem. I know I can always ask for help or simple reach out to others to vent. Life in recovery is about making different choices (see definition of insanity.) My tendency now is to evaluate and act rather than immediately reacting to the world around me. I know that as a result that I am rebuilding my character in the process.

Affirmation Today I will try not to escape from life’s challenges, but pause and focus on the things I can change.

May 20

”We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.” Herman Melville

I recently watched the movie Shame. In my opinion, although it is somewhat explicit, it portrays the life of a sex addict without glamourizing it. As a recovering addict it fell like watching periods of my life as an outside observer. While I could relate to the pain, the seemingly irrational pull into acting out and the eventual downward out-of-control spiral, it also felt comforting to recognize that I am no longer in that space. I was aware of the opportunities that were missed to seek help; I know from my own past how long it took to reach a bottom that pushed me to find a different way out. Finding the SAA program and taking the risk of admitting I had a problem has been at the same time one of the most difficult and health decisions I have made. I continue to see more and more the places in my life where help was right in front of me but I was too blinded by my addiction to care. My life in recovery has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only do I have to face the consequences of my past, but life continues on and new challenges await me all the time. For the most part I have faced them from a place of sobriety and serenity. The rediscovery of my Higher Power and the support of my caring friends in the program continue to keep me afloat.

Affirmation Today I can be grateful that I am not in my active addiction. I will thank my Higher Power for the gift of sobriety.

April 9

”We hear voices in solitude that we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts that we get under no other condition.” Amelia Barr

Meditation is part of Step 11 and in many ways it is our chance to take time to listen to our Higher Power. It is really important that we take moments every day to slow down, to sit with our own thoughts, allow ourselves to experience the emotions we are feeling and clear our minds. Many of us fear being alone in our own heads with our thoughts and fantasies. What we may find frightens us and we don’t think we have the courage to face what we come across within the recesses of our mind. We know from past experience that we have prayed for things to stop, for our life to change yet if we never pause to listen and look for the signs and direction that are given to us, we will struggle to find the path to follow. We all too often turn to distractions so that we do not need to face our thoughts and feelings. We can always find something else to do. The difficulty is to look within and accept what we discover and just let it be.

Affirmation I need to take the time today to let the messages of my Higher Power into my life.

February 11

”I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience.” William Shakespeare

There is a lost power inside ourselves that we can rediscover in silence. We can find our calm centre through meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, walks in nature or in prayer with our Higher Power. Connecting to our inner serenity, finding our place of tranquility and reflection, allows us to truly hear ourselves and digest our thoughts and feelings without distraction. It is important for us to take time on a regular basis to slow down and remove ourselves from our hectic lives. Focusing on ourselves in a peaceful space allows us the opportunity to heal and increase our self-awareness. The more we take the time to get in touch with our inner self, the better we are able to function in normal day-to-day life. We can move into action rather than reaction when confronted with stressful situations. Being in touch with ourselves allows us once again to hear the voice of our conscience, which in time helps us make better, more responsible choices. We can learn to appreciate the great force that comes to us from silence.

Affirmation I will find myself in silence and not be afraid; there is power in the void of thought and action.