April 1

"Honest people don't hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte

In discovering that I had an addiction, I turned to honesty as one of the improvements that I needed to make. Not only has this affected my self-awareness when I slip into deceit, but it has attuned my radar to see dishonesty in others. This can be a blessing and a curse. The problem here is how I choose to react, if I react at all, when I notice someone else who is not being fully transparent.    That's quite a dilemma. I need to take a step back and remember the times that I was confronted with my own lies. How did that feel? There were certainly approaches that did not encourage me to disclose and be honest about what secrets I had been keeping. Other moments were more gentle, trusting, and where I felt that the person calling my bluff genuinely wanted to help, rather than accuse and shame me for my actions.     I am still a human being, and I still avoid being completely truthful from time to time. Yet I see the value in being more honest. It might be more difficult in the moment, but it is healthier and more conducive to keeping my relationships healthy with others. My goal is to be an open book, to be transparent, to no longer be secretive and deceitful.

Affirmation

Honesty, in myself and others, may be a challenge today, but I will approach it with kindness and courage.

November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

October 29

”The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is insincerity.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There have been a number of occasions where the consequences of my actions that finally caught up with me, or that I finally had the courage to face. One of the saving graces, a lesson learned from the 12 Steps, has been to be honest. Being frank and open about situations has certainly improved the outcome of many of these encounters. Not that it has been easy. Admitting even parts of my issues and past behaviours can be daunting. However, I thank my groups for having given me a place where each week I can bare my soul, and I attribute the practice of this sharing in such a safe environment for giving me the courage to do so in the real world. Overcoming my past behaviours of lying and insincerity has been a lot of work. But I have many opportunities each day to practice living with integrity and honesty. Telling the truth, being truly sincere, might be harder in the short-term, but it does not require the long-term upkeep that my webs of lies used to. And that in itself is a great freedom.

Affirmation Sincerity and open, honest communications are a required part of the foundation of my recovery, and for rebuilding trust and relationships.

June 7

”Self-respect is the root of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” Abraham Joshua Heschel

I remember when I reached a point in my recovery where part of me wanted to act out, but after a few short seconds I had the sensation that it was too much work, would require too much energy, and I simply stopped. It was totally bizarre, being in a place where my normal inner circle behaviour felt forced and foreign to me. I felt it was a great step forward but never thought that such a moment would have been possible in my life. My ability to say to no to my addict, to send that persona back into the attic in the house in my mind and to “change the channel” when my thoughts fall onto the fantasy station increases as I progress in my recovery. Practicing say “no” is like exercising and I can feel it getting easier the more often I do it. It’s true that I feel a greater sense of self-respect and integrity in maintaining the discipline to deny those urges of my addiction. Recognizing in advance the empty promises and temporary highs to escape the moment is a big step forward. Now that I take this further and choose to do something else that supports my recovery instead is an even bigger step. Picking up my tools is becoming a more natural response in dealing with daily life.

Affirmation I can and will regain the ability to say “no.” In recognizing my triggers today I will seek the strength to choose a healthier path.

May 31

”No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” Alan Watts

My addict cares very little about anything unless it directly supports my addiction. If something I think, do or say is not directly involved with me acting out, or supporting me getting to that point, then it is of little consequence. Therefore all those non-addictive acts are at the same time hollow. Keeping up the front at work, with family and friends when all I really wanted to do was to get away and have some special “me” time was meaningless as I could not and did not want to put any of my heart, soul or passion into those things. My addict has always sapped my strength, energy and other positive parts of me to satisfy its own needs. My addiction did not want change; it wanted more of the same. It was like living in the trance of the lotus from the tale of Odysseus, stuck in a place where everything was bliss while the world went on around me. But I was completely unaware of all damage that was being caused to me in the process, let alone how I was hurting those around me. Life today is completely different. I have once again taken an active role in society and I am conscious of my impact on the lives of those around me. I have energy to put into things and to give more wholly of myself into everything I do. My life is no longer a hollow shell as it once was.

Affirmation As my life comes into balance and I am genuine with myself and others, I will play my part with more integrity.