April 16

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

This is the place I keep coming back to, the decision place. My life cannot simply just happen, things do not just automatically occur. There are always choices to be made, paths to be followed, and actions to be taken. In this endeavour, I am somewhat handicapped by my addiction, this disease of choice, which has placed within me a path which takes priority unless I consciously choose otherwise. So it goes, each day a struggle, an ongoing battle against an enemy that lives within me, in my thoughts and deeds. I tried explaining this to someone close to me, and the best example I could come up was to compare it to having a constant craving for chocolate. If this was me, then there are days when it is easier, when I can be at home, at work, or elsewhere and not come across any chocolate, and thus fight back the craving. Other days I might come across it only a few times, and find the strength to resist the temptation. Yet other days are like Valentine’s Day, Halloween or Christmas where chocolate is everywhere I turn, and the fight is very present and real to stay away. Yet most of this war is fought within my thoughts, unbeknownst to those around me. There are little outward signs of my struggle that constantly rages within. I guess maybe that is the reason that I continue to go through periods where I get lay and stop making the right choices. Combatting my disease is at times exhausting and I just want to take a break and get away. But I can never get away, the only thing that happens when I decided to relax my program is that my addiction is given more freedom to influence my life. So it is back to work, to pick up my sword and continue to work against this illness, to fight, fight, fight for my life.

Affirmation

I choose to be in recovery today. I choose to make the sane choices, to move away from those that feed my addiction. I choose to be free!

January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.

December 22

”A constant struggle, a ceaseless battle to bring success from inhospitable surroundings, is the price of all great achievements.” Orison Swett Madison

Dealing with life on life’s terms some days can be a challenge. Having emotions again, well there are moments when the temptation to numb them can feel attractive. Feeling hurt, sad, angry or rejected, this is not a fun place to be. Yet my recovery has taught me that I don’t make things better by wanting to escape from my emotions. The best thing I can do is sit through them and even explore where they are coming from, what needs in me are being unmet, and to learn from the experience. Life is a constant struggle where many things may seem to be against me.  But that isn’t entirely fair either. Life may feel like a battleground, but most of the time it’s pretty close to paradise. The dark clouds are only temporary, and I am learning how to weather the storm. This is the trick, to prepare myself not just to survive the inclement weather, but to brave the howling winds and push through the storm. It is in adversity that I grow, that I must rely on my strengths and my resources to move on. It is also where my faith in my Higher Power helps me to stay grounded and to keep up my hopes that this too shall pass. Yet the growth comes from wading through the challenges more than simply remaining as a bystander.

Affirmation

Life may feel like it is riddled with challenges, but they are opportunities for growth and to build my confidence in handling life in better, healthier ways.

August 26

”Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons.” John Noble

There are days like today where I am really not very proud of myself. After a conversation with someone who I care about where I have to admit, once again, that I have lied, cheated, done or said something to break their trust, have disrespected them in some way, I don’t feel very good about being me. Then there is admitting I’ve done those same things to the relationship with myself, as well as the one with my Higher Power. Living a program of rigorous honest isn’t simple, has many parts that are not enjoyable, and doesn’t come without a lot of hard work and effort. I don’t like having to be reminded that I have to try harder to follow my program of recovery, to respect my rules and boundaries and abide by the things I’ve place in my circles. The pull to just be normal is too strong and attractive sometimes. Yet if I look in the mirror, although it’s not tattooed on my forehead, there is a reflection of an addict. Me, the broken one, struggling to find the way to live a life where my disease is manageable and I am not always out of control. Yes, moments like this can make me question why I continue to bother. Why not just simply give in, go back to the way things used to be. Two good reasons come to mind. The first one is that I can no longer go back to who I was. I no longer have the ignorance of not having identified my disease. Secondly, and more important, I am well aware of all that I stand to lose, all the consequences that await me at the end of the darker path. Given the options, I will pick up the heavy burden today and pray for the strength to carry until tomorrow.

Affirmation

Gray days will happen, and there will be times when I need to clean the slate once again, and share all that is still happening beneath the surface. This is the only way for me to stay sober.

April 17

”Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There are things that happen in my day or week that I don’t enjoy or look forward to. Bad news, a last minute change, or other unexpected event can shake up my routine, at home and at work. This is a part of life, one of the limitless things I can’t control, and this is simply reality. My choice in how to act in these situations is usually the extent of what I am able to control. The best defense I have to working through times like this is consistency. It’s my perseverance in making my program a priority that will help me to cope better. It has felt frustrating at times to feel as though I am trying so hard in recovery, to have hard times continue to fall on me, and wonder why I keep trying. I need to accept that the world isn’t going to pause until I am strong enough to face everything and fully recovered. Life is a struggle. Some days are pretty easy. Many aren’t. Expecting that the path of recovery will be paved in rose petals isn’t necessarily a realistic view. Or maybe it is, if I add all the thorns that are lining the edges of the road that can tangle me up. As long as I continue to work my steps, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way, without adding even more problems into the mix. I will make it to the gate of success.

Affirmation

The slogan “Keep on keeping on” is one for me to recall today when life seems to be working against me. I will keep focused on doing the best things for me and my recovery.

November 18

”If you're having a string of failures, find a way to find the 'bless in the mess'.  Embedded in the problems might be a way to find future successes.” Loretta Laroche

Life in addiction was wading through chaos. The worst part was that when there wasn’t enough going on to keep the cycle going, I found ways to create more chaos to keep the machine going. Life only made sense when there was a big mess to deal with, and my acting out was the best way to survive. My blessing of that mess has certainly being finding my way to the 12-Steps. Nothing has helped me more to start finding gems from my troubles to move towards some small successes. I think the best gift has been becoming a wounded healer. This is the place where I can find the best from the worst of my life. It is from my lowest points that I find connection points with others who suffer like I have and can help shine a light for them to find the start of their own path to recovery. My struggles, challenges, and failures that pushed me to the edge of my own destruction are now part of a life-line I can offer to others to offer them safety.

Affirmation In the worst there is something to learn, something that can be turned into a positive. I will look for ways to turn things around today.

July 4

”Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.” Aristotle

There are days in recovery that I find it challenging to be happy, to feel true contentment for being here. These are days when I find myself at risk of hearing the voice of my addiction, the empty promises that seek to fill an unnamed void. It’s still frightening how a small seed of a thought, an act, or a hint of middle circle behaviour can float in and out of my day, distracting me and tugging at me, risking to pull me towards action inch by inch. I need to get through days like this however I can. One trick is simply delaying taking a thought and making it a reality. Telling myself it has to wait until later can give me time for the power of the suggestion to fade. It also gives me the chance to do something else, like reach out, pray, or meditate to strengthen my resolve. Even still, there are days like this that are a rollercoaster ride, a constant tugging up and down of my recovering self and the addict. I need to keep fighting the good fight. I also need to be willing, should I succumb to the pull and slip into old behaviours, to forgive myself and climb right back onto the path of recovery. I am only human after all.

Affirmation In recovery there will be days that are harder than others, but I will continue to struggle against the current of my addiction which continues to lose its power over me.

August 7

”The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.” Lao-tse

Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? What does my Higher Power want with me? I have struggled with many questions like this in my first year of recovery. In fact they still come up from time to time. Usually the trigger is when something significant changes in my life, a relationship starts or ends, new work, a move…but usually it is something external. I need to be reminded that the only opinion of who I am that matters is the one shared between myself and my Higher Power. That is the only person whose judgement really matters, that is objective and unbiased. The Steps are not only a path to reconnecting with the God of my understanding; they are also a recipe to help me find myself. Taking stock of who I am , who I want to be, letting go of the past, turning over my shortcomings and make amends all lead me to my authentic self. I am not changing any fundamental part of me, but choosing to start using those good and real parts to cope with life rather than relying on false idols.

Affirmation I am the one and only me, always have been and always will be. The only approval I need to seek is from my Higher Power who accepts me just as I am.

June 24

”Confidence on the outside begins by living with integrity on the inside.” Brian Tracy

A fellow member was recently sharing about how they have been discovering their Higher Power while working Steps Two and Three. A phrase that they used really struck me, the fact that this person now felt comfortable to “lean into the struggle.” It was a great visual that made me reflect on my own story and how I used to recoil from confrontation. Complete avoidance or running away used to be the way I would escape, and then I would have bury the shame of feeling less than by acting out. These days, while I do not openly seek out conflict, I have regained confidence in myself to face up to situations that are worthwhile, where my character, values or morals are jeopardized. I am aware that this new strength and courage is a direct result of living a life that has a strong base of integrity and honesty. This change has only been possible because I too have reconnected to my Higher Power and have found the will to surrender. I do not fully comprehend what God’s plans are for me or what path lies before me. But I am learning to trust that his plan is a good one and that He means me no harm. I am open, ready and willing to follow His Good Orderly Direction, to be receptive to His will and not my own.

Affirmation I am grateful for discovering the power of surrendering each day to the God of my understanding. May His will, not mine, be done.

June 11

”Man cannot remake himself without suffering.” Alexis Carrel

I believe nothing is free in this life and those things that we have to suffer for the most are usually those that we most appreciate. Things that come easy are too simply forgotten or taken for granted. I look back on my life and choices, and I can see that those times where I had to make the hard decisions, to face my responsibility and to confront situations rather than turning away are the times that have meant the most to me in the long term. It’s never fun to have to fumble through life, but I think life is meant to be a struggle. I don’t think we are here to enjoy it as much as to learn. We seem to learn best in adversity. This train of thought reminds me of the movie The Matrix, where one of the computer avatars is explaining that the first version of the matrix was utopian, but it did not sufficiently stimulate the humans, which is why the second version was filled with pain, strife, struggle and the pursuit of happiness. We need to suffer before we can grow.

Affirmation I may not relish the strife in my life today, but there is a positive aspect in that it is an opportunity for growth.

February 21

”He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.” Marcus Aurelius

As an addict we may often feel that we are living at odds with ourselves. Our wants and desires to feed our addiction normally conflict with the wants and desires of our healthy self. It can be a struggle in knowing which set of needs we are satisfying by our actions. This conflict has been compared to by some as having two wolves inside us. Each act we perform, each choice we make feeds one wolf or the other. The challenge can be in knowing which wolf we are feeding. The ideal state we seek is to be able to decide which wolf gets fed, and preferably we choose not to feed the wolf of addiction. This constant internal struggle takes place unbeknownst to most people around us. It can sap our energy to perform normal daily activities and cause us to be irritable and short on patience. Finding a place to share our state of mind, with our Higher Power, sponsor or someone in the fellowship can help us to free ourselves from the struggle and remind us that we are not alone. It is a difficult task to be ever vigilant with our internal struggle but we can have faith in the support of our program.

Affirmation I know that I must be every watchful for the motivations of my actions, and try to chose those that do not feed my addiction.