February 27

”Turn your face to the sunshine and all shadows fall behind.” Helen Keller

I have referred to my past as a shadow, a scar, a darkness, a deep pit, an angry wolf and other names in a similar vein. It’s not something that I typically look at from any sort of positive view. It is a stain on my soul, on my being, that I wish I could was away. But it is not so temporary. I have a choice today, a choice to let that murky past overshadow my present, to be the little black cloud over my head that follows everywhere that I go. Or, I can choose to leave the past where it belongs, behind me, and turn towards the sun and the good choices I am making in recovery. This is one of the great freedoms I have found since finding the program, the ability to choose to live in the present and find the positive in the world around me. In my journey so far, there have even been moments where I have looked at my shadow-self and embraced it. Although I may not welcome all that has happened, I am at least grateful that it was part of what brought me here to this moment. It was not perhaps the best way I could have reached where I am, but then again, maybe it was the path I was meant to follow. I would not be the same person without all the experiences that have come my way.

Affirmation I have a good power in being able to decide today, right now, how to view my past, and to let it darken my skies, or to rejoice and give thanks for letting it bring me to this moment.

November 14

”Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brené Brown

My addict, my alter-ego, my dark shadow or dark passenger, however I refer to it, there it is. It is the parts of me that I no longer desire to give control to, the wolf that I no longer wish to feed. It is the core of my shame and guilt, the black centre where my addiction lives and thrives. This is where those powerful, cunning, and baffling urges originate. This is where my ability to rationalize and justify all my bad behaviors resides. This is where my emotions come to be buried, pushed aside, and are ignored. This is where I lose sight of all that is around me, isolating from the world and reality. This is my toxic self. Yet, it is only a part of me, and like most things in this world, can only sustain itself if it is fed and given attention. This is why my focus in recovery is on new behaviours, new tools and methods for dealing with life, new rules and standards for me to follow, new Steps to lead the way. In living by my program, in working all that I put in my outer circle, the power of this shame core will diminish, restoring me to sanity, and freeing me to see and follow the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I can confront my shame, face the darkness within and find my way back into the light. The Steps and my brothers and sisters in the program can help me on this path.

August 26

”Even in the darkness there is something to be learned.” Scott Stewart

Fear. Envy. Anger. Greed. Jealousy. Hatred. Evil. War. These are some of the many shades of darkness. For me as a child, these were aspects of sin, of the failure to live up to the standards of God as written in the Bible. My addiction is certainly my personal heart of darkness. Black as coal. Slick as oil. Dark as night. Life has many tints of light and darkness in it as well. It’s found in the places I go, the people I met, the experiences that I live. The dichotomy of light and dark, good and evil, life and death, exists in almost everything around me. In my journey of recovery, I have had to learn to not only endure the darkness, but to plunge willing into it, to embrace and explore it in an attempt to gain understanding. In short, in order to shed some light on it. It is only in doing so, in learning the truth about my other side, my other self, that I have been able to put things into perspective. This knowledge gives me the power to deflate the ego of my addict, to dispel the lies and exaggerations that held me captive for so many years. It is this understanding of the worst side of me that has given me the promise to bring forth the best into the world.

Affirmation I am not good or evil, light or dark, but a myriad of colors, ever changing. In my willingness to explore all the corners of my being, I will grow and become stronger.