January 12

”When you take a risk and step out of the norm, you run the risk and sometimes you fail. But you only fail if you give up.” J. Peterman

I sometimes expect that life should be perfect now that I am in recovery, or at least that I should no longer make mistakes. This is rather ridiculous as a concept considering I don’t expect “normal” people who aren’t in a program like this to live up to that standard so why should I subject myself to it? I suppose I feel extra accountable as I should know better. Still I am only human and as such I am flawed. Changing my ways, which is a significant undertaking, means I am certain to make mistakes, to need time and help to get things right, to have make a few attempts and to persevere. Failure would be to give up and let my addict reign once more, but that is a path that only leads to certain self-destruction. It is hard learning to be gentle with myself and to always fully accept myself as I am, flaws and all. The important thing is to keep trying, learn from my mistakes and not repeat them, and to continue pushing forward. Progress and not perfection is always the aim to keep in my sights. By the grace of my Higher Power I have this opportunity to try again.

Affirmation God grant me the humility to acknowledge and accept my mistakes as I move forward on this new path of recovery.

November 30 (64)

”Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” Victor Borge

Realistically my addiction is no laughing matter. It is a damaging aspect of my life that has ruined many relationships and threatened a multitude of others. Yet at the same time I need to be able not to take everything from my past too seriously. I took many dumb risks, found myself in many crazy situations that in retrospect were ridiculous. Laughing about some of my escapades is healthy. It helps diminish the power of fantasy and promise that my addiction offered. It also is humbling and a reminder of my fallibility as a human being. There is often laughter in my meetings and it’s a testament to the bond that forms in our groups. It’s also a reflection of the understanding and compassion that exists for as I believe only and addict truly understands an addict. The ability for me and others to make jokes about our own past behaviours is part of the healing process. One experience as addicts draw us closer to others who suffer in kind. The recognition that I, too, have been there, stretches out my hand for someone else to grab onto, a life line to help pull them onto the path of recovery. Laughter is one of the ropes I can throw to show others that the program does work.

Affirmation My ability to change my perspective of the past, to be able to laugh at myself and my foibles, is a sign of growth and change.

October 5

”If you don’t accept failure as a possibility, you don’t set high goals, and you don’t branch out, you don’t try, you don’t take the risk.” Rosalynn Carter

My life doesn’t change because it is comfortable to do so. Living and acting in ways that I know, which are familiar to me is about keeping things the same. I know I am a creature of habit and don’t usually prefer doing something new. As a result, doing recovery work, learning how to take the Steps and integrate them into my life, means taking risks. It’s about stepping outside my comfort zone to do things in a way that I don’t feel at ease with. It means trusting that somebody else’s ways of handling life might be better than my own. It means there’s a chance I am not going to get things right, that I will make mistakes. It also means that it’s a chance for me to grow. Doing things the way I have always done them does not stimulate improvement in my life. To make a difference, to find a better way of living and interacting with the world around me, means I need to make changes. These changes have happened to my knowledge and awareness, my connections with my emotional centre, and most definitely with my spiritual self. I don’t have to set high goals, simply living without the characteristics of my addiction, for today, is a target worthy of my efforts.

Affirmation I need to be aware of when I do what is comfortable rather than what I need to do to change. May my Higher Power give me the strength to choose the latter.

August 3

”If you let fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient and thin.” Katherine Butler Hemingway

Changing, taking risks is scary business. Opening one’s self to the unknown takes courage, faith and sometimes a little bit of luck. My recovery has not happened because I have played it safe, because I have worked the program and the steps just enough to get by. I have had to plunge in head-first, often without even knowing just what I am diving into. Yet I can attest that I have received as much as I have been willing to put into the program. I still have blocks to being able to listen to my deepest instincts and to know that they are those which my Higher Power desires as well. My ear is not yet fully tuned to distinguish between my inner voices, that of my addict as well as my conscience which I attribute to God. Sometimes I simply have to take the blind step forward and trust in my spiritual guide. I often pray for a sign to show me the way. I know and care enough about myself to realize that I do not want a life that is safe, expedient and thin. I am willing to take risks and learn patience to reap the richness of life. I have missed too much already while consumed by my addiction, why would I ever want to forgo experiencing all the world has to offer now?

Affirmation I will see risks today as the opportunity to explore the richness of life, to seize the day and reap what God has provided.

May 3

”It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen” Herodotus

Early recovery has been difficult…for me it has meant taking a number of risks. I risk being honest with myself and others. I risk trying new ways of coping with life. I risk sharing my past and present with those in my groups. I risk reconnecting my head to my heart and experiencing my emotions. All these risks make me vulnerable and it is far from comforting to expose myself. The other, and maybe largest, risk that I have had to take in recovery is accepting that I cannot do this, not only recovery – but life, on my own. I need to welcome my Higher Power back into my life and accept the guidance that comes my way. Admitting I am not the master of my own destiny is frightening. Yet for me, like many of these risks, my fears and anxiety are often worse than how things actually turn out. Honesty is getting easier and while it still may be hard, it is a lot simpler than having to maintain a web of lies. The new ways of living mean that I need to be responsible and cannot simply run away, but once something has been dealt with I can move on with my life. Reconnecting to my feelings and moving forward with my emotional maturity has been challenging. Letting feelings come and be experienced, however, is not as bad as I had imagined. Turning my will over to my Higher Power actually gives me a new sense of freedom and personal power.

Affirmation I will dare to risk doing something for my recovery today that frightens me; the reward is worth it.