March 26

”We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon." Franklin D. Roosevelt

When I look back at the years spent in the depths of my addiction, I find it hard to find any worthwhile goals or accomplishments that my addict was striving for. Rather, that period was really on focused on pleasure for pleasure's sake, for feeding the insatiable desires of my addiction. Anything outside of that was merely there to support the ability to continuing acting out.      My horizons have opened now that I am in recovery. My program has granted me the clarity to see through the fog of addiction and realize that the world has so much more to offer. Even better, that there are many better ways for me to participate in this life and to use my skills and talents for the betterment of those around me.      As a child I grew up with the belief that my parents wanted a better life for me than they experienced themselves. And as a parent myself, I believe the same, and that I would like to leave the world a better place than I found it. Through my new-found awareness and sense of responsibility, I have hope that the future will indeed be brighter.

Affirmation

I can look to the future and the improvements that I hope and dream for, that my Higher Power has laid before me.

November 9

”You’re never too small to receive big things, and should never be too big to appreciate the small ones.” Anonymous

More and more I find reasons to be appreciative of the world around me. Recovery has allowed me to be more conscious of all the wonders that life has to offer, big and small. This expanded view of everything, this limitless horizon, has made me want to give thanks for all the beauty, joy and love that I see. This is all a part of my continually improving relationship with my Higher Power, and my opportunity to give praise and thanks for the opportunities and experiences that I have been offered. Life is not always a bed of roses. There are days which are grey, with dark clouds that follow me. Yet even in these moments there are things that I can be grateful for. I know my Higher Power, and many others are with me during those harder times. I have many tools, resources and skills to help me cope and overcome whatever I am facing. There is always hope of the better times to come, and I know that there is a reason for me going through whatever the situation is, even if I don’t realize it at the time. Life is a journey with many colours, flavours, twists and turns along the way. Things rarely happen the way I plan or hope. Yet I am confident that my Higher Power has a good plan for me, that there is a purpose to the path I am following. Therefore I am grateful for all the experiences along the way because the end result will have been worth all that I had to get through to reach the goal.

Affirmation

Today I give thanks for all that has happened, the good, the bad and the ugly. I trust in the divine purpose of my life and that my Higher Power does indeed know what is best for me.

October 22

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Step 3 is about turning our will and our life over the care of the God of our understanding. This is a deliberate act to relinquish control in my life, not to become a puppet, but to be lead because left to my own devices I tend to go astray. It is about faith and hope in a being/entity/source greater than me that frankly has a better understanding of life, the universe and everything. It’s also a sign of trust that my Higher Power, given the chance, will lead me down a better, brighter and more prosperous path. An acronym I quite like for God is Good Orderly Direction. That is what my prayer and meditation tend to focus on, asking for advice, direction, and aide in following God’s will. The complementary component to my prayer is to give thanks, to take the time to show gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have in life, all the ways that my Higher Power is taking care of me. I have had many false “gods” in my life, my addiction the most obvious, but I have become obsessed with others like recognition, fame, and fortune in periods of my life as well. Worshipping things of this world only mires me deeper in the problems of my earthly life. Experience is showing me that worshipping my spiritual source is not only taking away many of my worldly concerns, it is giving me freedom, joy and contentment that I never believed I could enjoy.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power, for His will and intention are good and just. In giving Him praise, I acknowledge all that He has done for me.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

November 8

”Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

My recovery has certainly been about building character. I have done a pretty good job at destroying a lot of the good things in my life. The best gift my addiction has given me has been the suffering, the depths of despair that have driven me to want to change my ways, to seek to have a better life. Having hit bottom has pushed me to preserve, to continue work at my recovery because I know what the alternative is. I fear going back into my addiction, in picking up where I left off, as I know that path leads to my eventual destruction. So this is now motivation for me to pursue the 12 Steps at all costs, because the price of failure is no longer acceptable. But my recovery is not based in fear, even if that is a motivating force. My recovery is based in hope, in the experience and strength that I see in other members at meetings, and even occasionally recognize in myself. I know my character is being rebuilt, and that my suffering and perseverance are propelling me into a closer relationship with my Higher Power.

Affirmation I accept that recovery will expose me to increased suffering, but that this is part of the cycle for me to grow stronger and closer to God.

February 5

”Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23

My religious background always led me to believe that the cross I had to carry was a burden, a punishment of sorts that was simply part of my life on Earth. It’s probably one of the many reasons that I turned away from the formal institution in my adolescence, that and the sense I had at the time of being brain-washed in ritual. My spirituality has matured a great deal in my recovery. While there is a God, of my understanding, that I value as my Higher Power, it is no longer the same figure I was raised to believe in. This transformation has also started to give me new insight into the cross I bear. I no longer see it as a burden, but as a tool. Perhaps seeing it as a yoke is more appropriate for me in my life today. A yoke gives the impression of work. Now I see all that I carry with me not as something to weigh me down, but as the experience, strength, hope and wisdom I have gained in this world which I can share with others. With this change of perspective also comes a change of attitude. Rather than dreading each day, and the burden I must carry forward, I can start my day joyously glad of all the opportunities that lay before me to share my gifts with others in need.

Affirmation As I strengthen my connection to my Higher Power, I will find strength and hope in places where there used to be only darkness and despair.

December 24

”It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” John Steinbeck

As I spend my first holiday season without my family I certainly can feel the loss of what I destroyed, magnified by this new separation. The potential of what could have been weighs heavy on my thoughts and on my heart. Yet I need to look honestly at where I am today. Even though I may not be with those I love, most especially my children, I know I am with them in spirit as they guard their place in my heart. In truth, my life is much better than it was, and I have the greatest gift I could ever imagine, which is being sexually sober. My sobriety never promised to fix all my problems and to make things right. It is a gift of hope for a better today and the opportunity to continue improving my situation tomorrow. So as I go through these hours and days in a bit of a melancholic funk, I can reflect upon the loss of the past, yet equally rejoice in all that I have gained and all that I still have to be grateful for. There are certainly more blessings in my life than curses and I need not look very far to discover how much better life has become. There are dark places in my life where the lights have been turned off. Yet there are multitudes of other lights that still shine and I know there are others that have yet to be turned on.

Affirmation Being present, being a gift to myself today by being in recovery, this is the best thing that I can hope to receive.

November 11 (83)

”Great hope makes great men.” Thomas Fuller

Hope is still something I struggle with. Having lived with the belief that “if something is too good to be true, it usually is” for so long is challenging to overcome. I am too used to that feeling that when things seem better than what I think I deserve that I need to sabotage them. It takes time and effort to be okay with the good things in my life and to have the self-esteem and self-confidence to accept them. Coming to terms with being in a better place in my life takes time and effort. But here, as in recovery, it is important for me to continue facing life One Day at a Time. Just because I am doing better is not a reason to stop applying the Steps and principles of the program. In fact, it should be the incentive to keep using them to protect this new way of living. It’s pleasant being able to hope and to have moved forward from the place and time where I was reaching out for something else in total desperation. Instead I find I have a healthy yearning for the good and positive things in my life. The program is helping me experience personal renewal as I transform from darkness into light.

Affirmation Hope and dreams will become a way to look forward in anticipation of a happier and healthier life.

October 24

”Courage is the first of all the human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” Sir Winston Churchill

Owning up to the parts of my life that are not as I would like them is challenging. This is because it causes me to look at my defects and weaknesses which in turn is usually a trigger for me to want to return to my old behaviours. Which in a way is a self-fulfilling prophecy as it was my compulsive sexual behaviours that were usually the reason for me having those troubled areas in my life in the first place. The worst part is that when I start to take steps to work at confronting my problems and relationships that little voice in the back of my head is all too quick to point out how hard it’s going to be, that I shouldn’t bother, or any number of other excuses. It takes courage to ignore that voice and not fall into the trap but rather takes some positive action instead. Usually when I do, I find the task is not as a difficult as imagined. It still means finding the will to make that first step. Courage is most common in small doses, to take that simple first act towards something new and different, rather than the heroic displays befitting a Hollywood movie. Yet it is an important part to keep us moving, growing, changing and bettering ourselves.

Affirmation May I find the courage today to continue putting on foot in front of the other.

October 23

”Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather it involves the simple willingness to take the next step.” Stanley Hauerwas

I did not learn to run before I crawled, to write before I could print, or to give a speech before I could say “See spot run.” Like most things in life, I have learned skills gradually and progressively, in a series of small steps as my confidence and ability grew. For many of these abilities my goal was to have an adequate level of proficiency. I have never dreamt of being a marathon runner, a famous author, nor a world class orator. SAA has given me hope for a brighter and saner future, starting with today. Like riding a bike, I have taken gradual steps, attending meetings, sharing my story, gaining a sponsor and working the steps. Each is a stepping stone of progress. I have stumbled along the way, but have had sufficient hope to climb back onto the bicycle and try again. I can happily report that I have a new support network that I frequently rely on, that most days I pick up one or more tool of recovery, and that I still go to my meetings as a fundamental part of my program. SAA continues to give me hope. I am grateful for that gift and even happier to be able to share it and encourage others to keep trying.

Affirmation I will make the small steps I need to in order to continue along my path of recovery.

July 31

”Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” Josephus Daniels

I do believe that as long as I hold onto hope that anything I want still remains a possibility. I just need to be careful that my wants and desires are aligned with my authentic self and reflect the will of my Higher Power. Therefore I can only give in to defeat when I lose faith, give up hope and stop trusting in the guidance of the God of my understanding. There is an opposite view – I will never start to receive help and guidance from my Higher Power until I admit that I need it and ask for it. This is the foundation of the 12 Steps, and more particularly the first three. As one member summarizes them; I have a problem, there is help, and I need to ask for it. Until I was ready to admit I had a problem there was no way anyone could have convinced me that I needed help. Nor was any aid that was offered to me attractive. The decision had to come from within first. What I can appreciate about choosing not to be defeated and choosing to be in recovery is that they are both healthy demonstrations of my willpower. Again, as a fellow member has shared, we don’t have won’t power in terms of our addictive behaviour,; once we start down the path our addiction generally wins the battle. But we do have willpower to do something else and that is the power of the program.

Affirmation I can have hope, I can choose my recovery and I can exercise my willpower to do things to support my program.

July 20

”The world is full of suffering. It is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

It is a difficult thing for me to see someone I care about in pain or in a bad situation when I know I cannot rescue that person from their misery. It is a painful reminder of how those close to me may have felt for all the years I was in my own active addiction. There was nothing anyone could have said or done to have made me seek help; that moment had to wait until I was truly ready for change and a way out of my compulsive and destructive behaviour. I feel blessed each time I partake in a meeting as I always hear a bit of both sides; something about the addict who is still suffering along with the experience, strength and hope from those who are overcoming it. Often members, including myself, share both parts. I am grateful for this constant reminder that there is hope, that my despair can be transformed into faith, my sadness to joy, my shame and guilt to integrity and a renewed sense of self-worth. My eyes have been opened to the power of the program even though I am aware that a long road of recovery that lies before me. I no longer suffer alone, and on the same hand, I have found a common group of men and women who promote faith and hope that will help to see me through the darker times.

Affirmation Today I will recall my suffering and reflect on the hope I have discovered from within the fellowship.

June 30

”Not a day passes over this earth but men and women of note do great deeds, speak great words and suffer noble sorrows.” Charles Reed

While history best remembers the words and works of great men and women, whether for noble or more impure reasons, I think true greatness is displayed best in those who are managing to exist in harmony from day to day. There is something to be said for those who maintain a simple life, who remain connected to family and friends, have a good sense of spirituality and morality, who respect the planet and all its inhabitants. These people will rarely be found in the history books, won’t be taught to our kids in school, are not immortalized in song yet have, in my opinion, likely found the most wisdom. Greatness is surely subjective…and while I can think of many well-known people whom I consider great, I am sure there are thousands more, who if their stories and their ordinary lives were made known, who I find have an equal measure of greatness. This is one of the many things I appreciate when I hear the experience, strength and hope of other members. Their stories of facing insurmountable odds, rising from the depths of pain and despair, the courage they display on a regular basis, all this and more makes me feel they deserve recognition of greatness. We in the fellowship have certainly suffered as noble as any.

Affirmation I will look for the simply greatness in those around me and it is certain to help me find it within myself.

June 16

”He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.” Arabian proverb

My new found hope may come from within, but it is strengthened and maintained through faith in my Higher Power. I am learning in my humility that I will only achieve truly great and profound things through the love, faith and patience that the God of my understanding can provide. Turning over my life and my will, surrendering myself to this unseen force is the only way for me to live the life I was meant to have. By God’s grace I am on this planet and I believe there is a specific purpose for my life even if I have not yet recognized it. But I have confidence that through His wisdom I can achieve all that serves His purpose. I am working through the steps of the program to remove the obstacles to my connection with my Higher Power. In doing so I am transforming myself to be able to better serve Him. I am open in my prayer and meditation to the instruction of where to put forth my energies. I am being reborn into the person I was meant to be as I gradually give away my defects of character.

Affirmation I can feel the change from within. I am open to the guidance of my Higher Power and the true path I am meant to follow.

May 28

”Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Japanese Proverb

I have slipped and had relapses in my recovery. In those early days after I first admitted that I was a sex addict, the pull of my addictions was still strong and usually won in a contest of wills. What has made the difference is the fact that I have picked myself up out of the dirt after each fall. My persistence has paid off as I gradually accumulated longer periods of sobriety and the temptation to fall back on old behaviours began to diminish in kind. I am certain that I did not stand up of my own accord, at least fully, many of those first times. I felt accountable to my group pretty well from my first meeting. Over time I have gained accountability to my family, my Higher Power, and finally to myself. I no longer desire to be that person I had been in my addiction. I like the changes I have, and feel more and more that I am once again a whole person. I have gained strength and hope each time I have risen anew. My self-esteem and self-worth are improving as I take back my power of decision and move towards having my thoughts, actions and feelings working in harmony. Life has once again become worth living.

Affirmation If I slip or fall, the best thing I can do is pick myself up and find the courage to take that next step forward.

May 13

”Hope means to keep living amid desperation and to keep humming in the darkness.” Henri J. M. Nouwen

I believe in starting each day anew. I try my best to begin with a positive outlook in the possibility that awaits me. I truly believe in living a day at a time and in trying to focus on the hours that lay before me. I may lose sight of this as I fall into the routine of my day, but at least having started from a clean slate improves my chances of living in the moment. Dark times still confront me and give me cause to work, despair and fear. I am not immune to the “darker” side of life. But I am gaining more confidence in who I am, my resolve and faith in my Higher Power are increasing. As a result I am weathering storms of varying intensity without having to spiral back into my addiction. I am becoming capable of keeping my spirits up in those trying times, and continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can maintain the hope that I will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Hope is another aspect of my life that I can strengthen through use. I know life will have both good times and bad, but I am also aware that I am capable of surviving through the hard times.

Affirmation Today I retain hope in knowing that I can make it through the struggles. I can gain strength from others who have gone before me.

April 27

”Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” Golda Meir

In a moment of wisdom I had the thought that it is the pain of recovery that propels us through the door, but it is the promise of hope that keeps us coming back. I truly believe this principle applies to my own journey and I have witnessed it in my own experiences at meetings. I take Step One on a daily basis, and admitting that I have a problem is the catalyst for me to reach for my tools of recovery. I am hopeful that I can learn to love more deeply, laugh more fully and experience joy more purely in contrast to the depths of despair and burden of guilt and shame that I have lived through in my acting out. Yet even if I only achieve some level of balance, of positive and negative emotions in reasonable measure but not to extremes, I will certainly be content. My life is about achieving equilibrium and living in moderation. I no longer want to hide parts of who I am or how I feel. I deserve to be a whole person and to be accepted as I am. I have as much right to weep when I am sad or laugh when I am glad as the next person. I am allowed to be okay with me.

Affirmation I know that pain and hope are parts of my journey. I will recognize my feelings and allow myself to feel them today.

April 10

”Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.” Anonymous

SAA is a program and fellowship of hope. The 12 Steps give us hope that there is another way to live our lives; a way that does not leave us under the control of our addiction. In our fellowship we find hope knowing we are not alone, that others have and are experiencing the same struggles, and even more promising, that some have surmounted them. We learn that surrender is not failing but the only way to move forward. We are not in control, not the master of our destiny, but it does not mean we are puppets either. By living in the meaning of the Serenity Prayer we practice working on those things we can control, namely ourselves, our thoughts, attitude, behaviour and actions. In time we gain confidence in ourselves and are able to share our hope, experience, strength and tolls we’ve learned with our new found brothers and sisters in recovery. We become part of the circle of recovery, spreading our ever increasing hope and belief of our Higher Power with others who suffer.

Affirmation I will rejoice in the hope that SAA has brought into my life and recovery.