October 30

”Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

I think this idea sums up a good portion of the aim of my recovery, the process through which I will restore my character. While I am not so certain that I was obsessed about my reputation during my active addiction, I was definitely not doing much to build my character. If anything I was acting like a bunch of different characters, but they were mainly facades. The 4th and 5th Steps have been key components to the restoration of my integrity, values and morals. Taking my inventory, fearlessly, and putting my life under a microscope has helped me see in clearer detail all my strengths and weaknesses. This introspection helped lay a foundation for me to start laying down the new framework for the person I want to be. Steps 8 and 9 are a continuation of the process. For me it is taking my recovery work beyond myself, and out into the surrounding area where my actions and behaviours harmed others. In humbling myself to face those who I have hurt, to express my regret in having treated them as I did, and seeking to make amends, I also strengthen my character. These are positive steps to reinforcing the person I want to be in recovery, and in life.

Affirmation In following the Steps, I will work towards rebuilding and strengthening my character, one block at a time.

August 16

”No man can reveal to you ought, but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.” Khalil Gibran

I recently took a huge leap in my recovery and shared my 5th step with a fellow member. I was trepidatious, knowing I was opening myself to bare my soul in a way that I had never done. Working my fourth and putting down on paper all my resentments, fears, loneliness, hurt and pain, somewhat balanced by my healthy behaviours and achievements had been challenging enough. I am grateful for the support of my step study group and the strength from my Higher Power to get me through those few weeks of intensive introspection as I worked my 4th. My continuing recovery is showing me what I am capable of doing. My desire to live as a better person is motivating me to work the program and the continuous display of hope and the promise of a new way of living fuels my attitude to do it right. The challenges of working the steps have been tempered by the support of my fellowship. I will not deny that this has been difficult, some of the hardest work I have ever had to do to face my inner demons and my faults. It has been harder to find the good in those dark times, to discover reasons to love myself, to celebrate achievements, to find worthiness within me, and to accept myself as whole. Yet I am who I am and my Higher Power accepts me as I am, so I shall do no less.

Affirmation The hardest steps can be overcome when I trust the process and accept the support of others.

March 10

”We cannot be right with God when we are wrong with others.” Lehman Strauss

Step Five is all about forgiveness. One of the more difficult challenges we may face in this step is admitting the exact nature of our wrongs. We fear going into the past, reliving our mistakes and wondering if doing such activity will pull us back into our addictive patterns. The reality is that we need to express our faults, release our resentments and fears in order to be free of them. Only by doing so can we gain the freedom to will allow us to move forward in our recovery. Holding onto our negative past, especially those parts related directly to our addiction, keeps us trapped and more prone to relapse. In forgiving ourselves it can be helpful to remember that our Higher Power has already done likewise, even without us asking. We’ve been supported, and carried when required, through the worst times by the God of our understanding. The act of forgiving ourselves is powerful, liberating so much of our energy that has kept our faults under lock and key. The pain of the process comes with great satisfaction and hope of a brighter tomorrow.

Affirmation I will find the courage to forgive myself and open myself to my Higher Power in the process