December 6

”Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

What does it mean to be myself? Who am I really? I think some days I am still trying to figure that out. The more I look inside myself, look at all the parts of me that have been tucked away to make room for my addiction, the less I think I know about myself. I have a multitude of defense mechanisms, of personas and characters that I have built to handle the various aspects of my life. There is the Work Persona, the Sports Persona, the Volunteer Persona, the Boyfriend, the Father, the Son, and the list goes on. My challenge is to take each of these one at a time and study them. There are good and less healthy characteristics of each. Only by investigating why I have created them can I determine which core parts are worthwhile to keep, and those that I need to let go of. This is a continuation of my inventory work, to better understand and accept myself as I am. In doing so I am learning what types of things fit most naturally in my life, the core structure that I have built to accept and give intangibles like love, joy, sadness, reject, jealousy, or happiness. This structure was developed at an early age and unconsciously is how I tend to react in life. It’s only through exploration that I can see where I need to enhance this fundamental part of me to allow new things to fit into my life. My Higher Power is wise beyond my understanding and I believe that I was given all the tools I need to accomplish the goals laid on the path before me. It is my responsibility to know what those skills and strengths are and to avail myself of them. And of course, to pray and meditate for the direction that I am supposed to take to employ them.

Affirmation

I am the one and only me. My most important challenge is to study myself so that I can be the best me possible.

May 12

”When twisted you’ll be upright; when hollowed out, you’ll be full.” Tao TêChing

I recently read an idea that gave me pause to look at myself from a new perspective. An author was describing how he was once introduced at a speaking event, but by a list of things that he was not. When I saw this it made me reflect on myself and the roles which I typically use to describe myself – child, parent, spouse and so on. I can also name off a variety of activities that I do which help to define how I see myself. Yet I think I have never considered taking the time to list the things that I am not. This also brought back memories of some drawing classes I took. One exercise was to draw some still life objects, but not by focusing on the items themselves but on the negative space, the gaps and voids that surrounded them. Another exercise had us reproduce a drawing by creating it upside down. Both exercises were eye-opening in showing me just how my own preconceptions and perceptions can keep me from seeing things realistically. Another lesson I have learned from these examples is that I need to acknowledge the things that I am good at, that I am capable of and be content, rather than wishing I can be something else. Sometimes taking stock of our qualities is a way to refocus our energies on the skills we possess rather than yearning for others.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on what I am not; those things that I do not do well. It can help me appreciate all that I have and all that I am.