December 31

”Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.” Henri Nouwen

Spending holidays without my kids puts some of my past into perspective. It’s a reminder of the cost my addiction. But it was also a time for reflection, and where I noticed that I am better able to be alone. As my group’s promises state, “reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness.” This is something that I have begun to notice in my life, that my loneliness is indeed transforming into solitude. My addiction was lonely, and being alone was indeed painful, which led to my wanting to find some way to soothe the suffering. My medication was to act out, and I can see how so much of that past behaviour stemmed from desperation. Solitude comes from the serenity I experience in recovery. The fact that I no longer feel driven by my addiction, but that I know I can rely on my Higher Power, my group, friends, family, and even myself, has shown me the power of community. I have finally come to find peace within, and that is the best gift I could ever hope for.

Affirmation I will enjoy the tranquility of life, the quiet moments to simply sit and just be. I do not need external things to distract me from being alone.

August 28

”Meditation means going into your loneliness wholeheartedly, to discover it, to investigate into it, to inquire into it.” OSHO

Being alone used to frighten me. Knowing what I know about myself now, I am not really that surprised. I don’t think I could have faced being alone and the possibility of getting to know myself, as sick as I was, and been able to be ok with all that. I really didn’t like who I was and I was certainly too afraid to stop and look at myself. It’s taken time to get comfortable being on my own. It is still not the easiest thing to do, I often find myself pulled to any number of distractions to take me away from those moments of internal reflection. But I am starting to have those dialogues with myself, to delve into who I am and explore the loneliness. This too is a part of my recovery and one I know I need to overcome to remain healthy. It is strange to feel like there are parts of myself I have to avoid, or that are difficult to know how to handle. Yet I need to remember that I have applied one solution to all my problems, at least the emotional stressful ones, for so many years, that I haven’t needed to learn other ways of dealing with life. I spent too many years not allowing myself to be lonely, creating a belief that it was a bad thing. Loneliness, sadness, and even grief are not bad things in of themselves. It’s how I used them to isolate, to justify my choices, or other negative actions that was the problem. Today I can handle them differently as I learn new tools in recovery.

Affirmation If I remove the “L” from loneliness, it makes oneliness, which for me is a study of myself. I will take time to get to know myself better today.

January 6

”Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” Sir John Lubbock

I used to think I had to keep myself busy all the time to be productive. Even as I moved into recovery, I was frightened by periods of having nothing to do and being faced with the prospect of having to spend quiet time with all the thoughts in my head. I didn’t trust myself to confront what was running around up there, nor did I really want to admit all that was happening to keep my addict running. It has taken time and effort of working the steps to quell these fears in my head so that I can truly enjoy being idle. Meditation, just practicing being still and trying to remove all my thoughts, has helped tremendously in transforming my loneliness into solitude. Relaxing in nature, during any season, allows me time to calm my mind and take a mental break. Just as my body needs rest and relaxation, so too does my head. I no longer have that drive to fill every waking moment, nor the fear of spending time alone with my ponderings as I once did. I am much better at acknowledging thoughts, even triggers, yet simply letting them be, exist and disappear, without spending any more time or energy on them. Then I can simply be.

Affirmation I will learn to find comfort in solitude as I gain the confidence to be at peace with who I am.

August 8

”We have no need to find courage. It is already within all of us. We simply need to reclaim it.” Lance Secretan

The transition from loneliness to solitude for me is about stopping my tendency to escape and avoid what I am thinking and especially what I am feeling. Being alone is ok and being in a crowd is alright, but in either case or anywhere in between my head can be on its way out the door into the past, into fantasy, into planning, into regretting, into worry or any other number of places to get away from the here and now as fast as possible. It is all too easy for me to zone out in front of the TV, computer, a book, video game or whatever. It takes energy, effort and courage to stay focused in the present, to let my thoughts and feelings be experienced and then allowed to pass. But the reward is that I have less baggage to carry with me and it makes it easier to live just for today. As I have often written, my life in recovery is a lot less about learning new things as it is in rediscovering my positive traits and abilities that have lain dormant. I am finding my source of courage, hope, strength and resolve that reside at the core of my being and making better use of them. I am reclaiming my body, my mind, my heart and my soul.

Affirmation I will seek out the strengths that lie within me, my Higher Power has given me the tools to use I just need to pick them up.

February 14

”Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

I am alone, I am lonely. These ideas are often a core aspect of many of our fears and triggers. In one group they have a set of promises about working the program, one of which talks about eventually turning loneliness into solitude. This is a hard concept for many of us, we have spent so long hiding in our addiction to avoid confronting ourselves that we are very afraid of the prospect. Working the steps of recovery gives us a gentle path to reconnect to our inner selves and rediscover and regenerate our self esteem. Eventually through our efforts, with the help of our Higher Power we will succeed in transforming our loneliness into solitude and learn to be at peace with ourselves.

Affirmation Today I will take some time to be by myself, to take an honest look in the mirror and to be alright with what I see.

February 12

”Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” Mary Sarton

Most sex addicts struggle with the idea of being alone. We have come to believe that without someone else in our life, someone who meets our needs, that we are not whole, not complete. It is challenging to come to terms with the concept that we must learn to be comfortable in our own skin, to be happy with ourselves by ourselves. It is not a prospect that many of us relish. One of the keys in progressing to this stage of transforming loneliness into solitude is the faith and understanding that our Higher Power is with us and will take care of our needs. Putting our trust in the God of our understanding removes the burden of ever having to be truly alone. We can instead be accompanied by our Higher Power and in those moments truly focus on strengthening our spiritual connection. Like many things we have come to discover in our journey to recovery, our ability to be comfortable with ourselves, alone and tranquil, is something that we have forgotten along the way. We don’t have to learn it brand new, we simply need to find out how to reintegrate it into our positive behaviours to help in restoring our sanity.

Affirmation I can be alone with the knowledge that my Higher Power is holding my hand.